Travel log… Saturday September 18, 2010…
Lately it’s occurred to me what a long strange trip my life continues to be…
The last two weeks have afforded me some long hours alone in my car driving through some beautiful country… Idaho, Montana, Nevada and Washington State… Snow covered mountains and sagebrush high deserts… Windy river canyons and winding mountain roads…
Big sky country and the smell of pine trees in the clean Montana mountain air…
Time to be alone with my thoughts… A new job 2000 miles from home and at 54 yrs old… I’m back doing algebra and trigonometry… Next week we’ll throw some chemistry and reactor physics in there for good measure… It’s interesting and challenging…
It’s also given me an opportunity to perform in some interesting and historic places… Elko, NV this past Thursday… It’s roots to the Gold Rush days of the old west… The town was built by prospectors looking for an opportunity to work hard and make their fortune… Not people looking for a bailout, stimulus or free government healthcare… People there still work the mines…
Sagebrush covered high desert plains turned to fertile farmland during the homesteading days… Not by government intervention, but by hard working people wanting nothing more than to be given a chance to work hard and enjoy the fruits of their labor…
Yes, the argument can be made… The Homestead Act was a government program… A stimulus program if you will… It was a stimulus of opportunity for common people looking for the opportunity to work hard and enjoy the fruits of their labor…
The government gave 160 acres to each person over 21yrs of age requiring they farm at least 10 acres of the land… It wasn’t all wonderfully fertile and well-watered land… It was a hard life farmed with a horse drawn plow and watered with the sweat of a farmer’s brow…
It wasn’t a welfare program that doesn’t even require drug tests for those watering themselves at the government thorough… They were required to carve their existence out of that land…
No one was guaranteed success because they were too big to fail… And many, many of them did fail… It wasn’t a stimulus of fat cat bailouts and crony union buddies…
They lived in homes made of sod… Common God-fearing men and women yearning to work hard and live free… To raise their families as they saw fit…
But many of them also succeeded through their hard work in turning this land into land that feeds a good portion of the world now…
The people here are still strong, hard-working, independent-minded people… I am happy to be living and working among them and I’m looking forward to more opportunities to make them laugh…
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
How I Spent My Summer Vacation...
With the battle against writers block at least temporarily won… I sit at my keyboard… Fingertips hunting and pecking away… I’m pickin’ ‘em up and puttin’ ‘em down as fast as I can…
As Labor Day weekend draws to a close and American school children all across this wonderful country return to the classroom… I also have returned to the classroom… So in a show of solidarity with students everywhere and for those who fondly or not so fondly remember giving these reports… I have affectionately titled this column…
“How I Spent My Summer Vacation”
How I spent my summer vacation… On the first day of my summer vacation… I hung out… On the second day of my summer vacation… I hung out… Etc, etc, etc…
I’m not really sure what day of my summer vacation my wife finally said… “Hey, Einstein why don’t you look for a job!!!”
So this Beach Boy caught a wave and on August 30th of this seemingly Endless Summer found himself sitting in a classroom in Idaho Falls, ID… Not quite the top of the world, but at almost a mile above sea level, surrounded by even higher mountain ranges and fairly far north… Pretty damn close…
Not quite the Beverly Hillbillies… We had loaded up the car a week earlier and driven cross-country from Pultneyville, NY to Idaho Falls, ID… Including a stretch across Canada on the first leg of our trip… Intent, of course, to minimize our drive time through the scenic and aromatic wonder of Indiana…
Continuing west through South Dakota… And the South Dakota Badlands… Stopping for dinner the third day of our trip in Wall, SD and discovering… The right front wheel bearing shot and needing to be replaced… Necessitating a more than 2 day lay over in scenic Wall… Including missing a scheduled gig in Great Falls, MT on the way to Idaho Falls… One more day and I would have needed some Wall Drugs…
Not that our time in Wall was uneventful as we awaited repairs… Ever the city girl… My Long Island wife decided she would walk the three blocks from the hotel to the restaurant and back our last night in Wall, in high heels… Ever the fashion statement she is… They offered her little to no protection against the rattlesnake sunning himself in the afternoon sun in the middle of the sidewalk on our return to the hotel…
Grabbing her right arm and steering her across the street… We avoided a trip to Wall Drug for a snakebite kit…
After short stops for pictures at Mt. Rushmore and Devils Tower, Wyoming we put the pedal to the medal… Racing across Wyoming in time to brave the gravel pass through the Tetons in the dark and in the rain… Lest we need to spend another night short of our intended destination…
Arriving in Idaho Falls 1am Saturday morning we were up early enough to drive through town, do a drive by of the home we hope to purchase and to drop her off at the Idaho Falls Regional Airport to continue her well documented travel adventure…
Now at 54years old, I find myself sitting in a classroom for three months at the Idaho National Laboratory… Learning the basics for a new job at the Materials and fuels Complex of the INL… I am looking forward to the challenge…
An hour bus ride west from Idaho Falls… Idaho National Laboratory is a place of much nuclear energy history and my only regret is I wasn’t here more than twenty years ago to have been a part of some of it… But as they say on the history channel… “History is made everyday…”
Unfortunately, algebra and trigonometry is ancient history to me… Nutritionists have shown that if you eat Big Macs you’ll wake up one day with a McTumor… Math class at my age… Made my head feel like I was growing a mathtumor… The only equation I solved was Algebra + Trigonometry = Migraine…
And I hadn’t even figured out the calculator yet… This long weekend was a great way to end my first week back into this world… A Friday night stop for a sixpack helped heal some over worked brain cells…
Tuesday night after work I move into my studio apartment… It’ll be my home while waiting for my house in San Diego, California to sell and we purchase one here in Idaho Falls… So Eileen and my boys can join me here… Referring to herself as bi-coastal now… I’m just trying not to go bi-postal…
Until then, in a scene right out of The Jetson’s we stay in touch using “Skype” video phone… It’s pretty entertaining to watch the dogs try to figure out where I am when they hear my voice… But unfortunately, it’s against the rules to show some “ta-ta” using Skype…
My two long weekends a month I am filling with as much comedy work as possible… Especially while travel through the mountains is still snow free… We’ll see what the winter brings to this part of the country…
I will be home the last two weeks of December for Christmas and New Years and hope to secure a few shows while I'm there... Are you reading this Dan Liberto???
Next Saturday on 9/11 I’ll be doing a show at the VFW in Ft. Benton, Montana… About 6.5hrs north of Idaho Falls… I can’t wait… The Ft. Benton militia will love what I have to say…
As Labor Day weekend draws to a close and American school children all across this wonderful country return to the classroom… I also have returned to the classroom… So in a show of solidarity with students everywhere and for those who fondly or not so fondly remember giving these reports… I have affectionately titled this column…
“How I Spent My Summer Vacation”
How I spent my summer vacation… On the first day of my summer vacation… I hung out… On the second day of my summer vacation… I hung out… Etc, etc, etc…
I’m not really sure what day of my summer vacation my wife finally said… “Hey, Einstein why don’t you look for a job!!!”
So this Beach Boy caught a wave and on August 30th of this seemingly Endless Summer found himself sitting in a classroom in Idaho Falls, ID… Not quite the top of the world, but at almost a mile above sea level, surrounded by even higher mountain ranges and fairly far north… Pretty damn close…
Not quite the Beverly Hillbillies… We had loaded up the car a week earlier and driven cross-country from Pultneyville, NY to Idaho Falls, ID… Including a stretch across Canada on the first leg of our trip… Intent, of course, to minimize our drive time through the scenic and aromatic wonder of Indiana…
Continuing west through South Dakota… And the South Dakota Badlands… Stopping for dinner the third day of our trip in Wall, SD and discovering… The right front wheel bearing shot and needing to be replaced… Necessitating a more than 2 day lay over in scenic Wall… Including missing a scheduled gig in Great Falls, MT on the way to Idaho Falls… One more day and I would have needed some Wall Drugs…
Not that our time in Wall was uneventful as we awaited repairs… Ever the city girl… My Long Island wife decided she would walk the three blocks from the hotel to the restaurant and back our last night in Wall, in high heels… Ever the fashion statement she is… They offered her little to no protection against the rattlesnake sunning himself in the afternoon sun in the middle of the sidewalk on our return to the hotel…
Grabbing her right arm and steering her across the street… We avoided a trip to Wall Drug for a snakebite kit…
After short stops for pictures at Mt. Rushmore and Devils Tower, Wyoming we put the pedal to the medal… Racing across Wyoming in time to brave the gravel pass through the Tetons in the dark and in the rain… Lest we need to spend another night short of our intended destination…
Arriving in Idaho Falls 1am Saturday morning we were up early enough to drive through town, do a drive by of the home we hope to purchase and to drop her off at the Idaho Falls Regional Airport to continue her well documented travel adventure…
Now at 54years old, I find myself sitting in a classroom for three months at the Idaho National Laboratory… Learning the basics for a new job at the Materials and fuels Complex of the INL… I am looking forward to the challenge…
An hour bus ride west from Idaho Falls… Idaho National Laboratory is a place of much nuclear energy history and my only regret is I wasn’t here more than twenty years ago to have been a part of some of it… But as they say on the history channel… “History is made everyday…”
Unfortunately, algebra and trigonometry is ancient history to me… Nutritionists have shown that if you eat Big Macs you’ll wake up one day with a McTumor… Math class at my age… Made my head feel like I was growing a mathtumor… The only equation I solved was Algebra + Trigonometry = Migraine…
And I hadn’t even figured out the calculator yet… This long weekend was a great way to end my first week back into this world… A Friday night stop for a sixpack helped heal some over worked brain cells…
Tuesday night after work I move into my studio apartment… It’ll be my home while waiting for my house in San Diego, California to sell and we purchase one here in Idaho Falls… So Eileen and my boys can join me here… Referring to herself as bi-coastal now… I’m just trying not to go bi-postal…
Until then, in a scene right out of The Jetson’s we stay in touch using “Skype” video phone… It’s pretty entertaining to watch the dogs try to figure out where I am when they hear my voice… But unfortunately, it’s against the rules to show some “ta-ta” using Skype…
My two long weekends a month I am filling with as much comedy work as possible… Especially while travel through the mountains is still snow free… We’ll see what the winter brings to this part of the country…
I will be home the last two weeks of December for Christmas and New Years and hope to secure a few shows while I'm there... Are you reading this Dan Liberto???
Next Saturday on 9/11 I’ll be doing a show at the VFW in Ft. Benton, Montana… About 6.5hrs north of Idaho Falls… I can’t wait… The Ft. Benton militia will love what I have to say…
Labor Pains...
Contractions started about 2am… Finally waking me from my slumber at 230am this morning… I am proud to announce I gave birth shortly there after and after cleaning up the after birth I offered a quiet God Bless America… Someday my child will rise from the depths of the Idaho Falls sewer system, where I’m sure he is now diligently pursuing a career as a union/community organizer…
He will attend a prominent law school and spend time teaching communism in a university classroom… Thereby never spending a day of his adult life holding a real job or doing an honest day of labor… Until one day he grows up to be President of the United States of America…
Disappointed though by never realizing his dream of becoming a sewer system witch doctor he will he will re-write the health care laws to ensure everyone gets sewer system healthcare while paying even more for it…
Having never worked a real day in his life he will ensure that even more Americans lose their jobs… He doesn’t work why should they… And while he asks them to ration shit paper… He and his wife will vacation at Martha’s Vineyard… As he flaps his jaws eating shrimp…
He will criss-cross the globe apologizing to every asshole in the shit holes of the world because America has softer toilet paper than they do… But never suggesting that maybe they should use the towels on their heads instead… Lest he offend their rag head covered ass’s…
God Bless America… I’ll have a hot dog and a beer today while I watch the ballgame... Maybe mixing in some pretzels for fiber... Before giving birth later tonight to his twin... I'm a goddamn proud American papa today...
He will attend a prominent law school and spend time teaching communism in a university classroom… Thereby never spending a day of his adult life holding a real job or doing an honest day of labor… Until one day he grows up to be President of the United States of America…
Disappointed though by never realizing his dream of becoming a sewer system witch doctor he will he will re-write the health care laws to ensure everyone gets sewer system healthcare while paying even more for it…
Having never worked a real day in his life he will ensure that even more Americans lose their jobs… He doesn’t work why should they… And while he asks them to ration shit paper… He and his wife will vacation at Martha’s Vineyard… As he flaps his jaws eating shrimp…
He will criss-cross the globe apologizing to every asshole in the shit holes of the world because America has softer toilet paper than they do… But never suggesting that maybe they should use the towels on their heads instead… Lest he offend their rag head covered ass’s…
God Bless America… I’ll have a hot dog and a beer today while I watch the ballgame... Maybe mixing in some pretzels for fiber... Before giving birth later tonight to his twin... I'm a goddamn proud American papa today...
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Shit Hole Stink Indiana
In another episode of Road Comic vs The Road... I’ll be the first to admit The Road won this last round... I was tired, hot, confused and ornery most of the trip... But losing a round, isn’t the same as losing the war...
Some of you may know that I am in the process of relocating to Idaho Falls, for a nuclear job at the Idaho National Laboratory... While I have some mixed feelings about such a distant move... I realized one benefit this past weekend...
Never again will I need to drive through the shit hole I-90 corridor of northern Indiana... I cannot believe they have the balls to charge people tolls to drive through there...
Though there may be some positives about the drive... ie… You can pay tolls using a credit or debit card... The machine is so slow the traffic gets backed up when only one lane is open... While a good idea... Could it be possible that the people smart enough to make change have already gotten the hell out of northern Indiana??? Thus necessitating the need for said machine???
And what are the tolls being used for??? Most of the road is in shit hole condition... Yes, there are numerous rest stops not very far apart... A seeming convience... But the tolls don't seem to be used to hire anyone to empty the overflowing trash barrels outside each rest stop or to pick up the trash blowing through the parking areas...
And they certainly aren't being used to hire anyone to clean the shit hole, filthy, smelly rest rooms at each and every stop...
Instead they are staffed with oversexed hormonal teenagers who are too busy trying to convince their pimple faced teenage girlfriends to “take a load ‘cuz it's good for their complexion" than trying to do their job...
Note to the McDonald's and Hardy's workers at said rest stops... Do you think the condition of those rest rooms doesn't affect your sales???
When I stop, I like most people, use the rest room first... I certainly wasn't headed your way for food after visiting your rest rooms...
Yes, I’m not even there yet and the fresh air of the great northwest never smelled so sweet... Now that I'll never again have to visit the shit hole stink of I-90 Indiana...
Some of you may know that I am in the process of relocating to Idaho Falls, for a nuclear job at the Idaho National Laboratory... While I have some mixed feelings about such a distant move... I realized one benefit this past weekend...
Never again will I need to drive through the shit hole I-90 corridor of northern Indiana... I cannot believe they have the balls to charge people tolls to drive through there...
Though there may be some positives about the drive... ie… You can pay tolls using a credit or debit card... The machine is so slow the traffic gets backed up when only one lane is open... While a good idea... Could it be possible that the people smart enough to make change have already gotten the hell out of northern Indiana??? Thus necessitating the need for said machine???
And what are the tolls being used for??? Most of the road is in shit hole condition... Yes, there are numerous rest stops not very far apart... A seeming convience... But the tolls don't seem to be used to hire anyone to empty the overflowing trash barrels outside each rest stop or to pick up the trash blowing through the parking areas...
And they certainly aren't being used to hire anyone to clean the shit hole, filthy, smelly rest rooms at each and every stop...
Instead they are staffed with oversexed hormonal teenagers who are too busy trying to convince their pimple faced teenage girlfriends to “take a load ‘cuz it's good for their complexion" than trying to do their job...
Note to the McDonald's and Hardy's workers at said rest stops... Do you think the condition of those rest rooms doesn't affect your sales???
When I stop, I like most people, use the rest room first... I certainly wasn't headed your way for food after visiting your rest rooms...
Yes, I’m not even there yet and the fresh air of the great northwest never smelled so sweet... Now that I'll never again have to visit the shit hole stink of I-90 Indiana...
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The Anointing...
When we last left this story...
After finally attributing Eileen’s premonition of being meant to follow Route 21 north through Palmyra, NY for a reason to the “Anal Bong” jokes (If that’s what some people insisted on calling them) that we had been subjected to early that stormy night...
There in the middle of a deserted road, illuminated by a great flash of lightening Steve and Eileen now stood in the pouring rain holding strange tablets of ancient text...
A bright shaft of light like a spotlight from heaven shined upon three spirits now facing them in the road... Great torrents of rain continued to fall as the spirits of comedy gods Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison and George Carlin appeared to the weary and wet travelers...
Explaining that they held in their hands... The (Comedy) Book of (for) Moron(s)
They were to spread the “gospel” of good comedy... To comedy morons across the country... Told by the spirit of Carlin they were chosen by the anointing they had received by his High Priest of Comedy Ralph Tetta...
As graduates of the Tetta School of Comedy they had been anointed in strict Old Testament fashion... Just as the Old Testament High Priests dipped Hyssop into Holy Water to sprinkle those worshipping in the Temple...
Graduates of the Tetta School of Comedy, were anointed by the High Priest himself... As High Priest Tetta dipped Basil leaves into Holy Marinara Sauce to sprinkle upon his students the "Red Badge of Stage Courage" and pronounce them ready to follow their comedic dreams...
Next Opening The Ancient Text...
...To be continued
After finally attributing Eileen’s premonition of being meant to follow Route 21 north through Palmyra, NY for a reason to the “Anal Bong” jokes (If that’s what some people insisted on calling them) that we had been subjected to early that stormy night...
There in the middle of a deserted road, illuminated by a great flash of lightening Steve and Eileen now stood in the pouring rain holding strange tablets of ancient text...
A bright shaft of light like a spotlight from heaven shined upon three spirits now facing them in the road... Great torrents of rain continued to fall as the spirits of comedy gods Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison and George Carlin appeared to the weary and wet travelers...
Explaining that they held in their hands... The (Comedy) Book of (for) Moron(s)
They were to spread the “gospel” of good comedy... To comedy morons across the country... Told by the spirit of Carlin they were chosen by the anointing they had received by his High Priest of Comedy Ralph Tetta...
As graduates of the Tetta School of Comedy they had been anointed in strict Old Testament fashion... Just as the Old Testament High Priests dipped Hyssop into Holy Water to sprinkle those worshipping in the Temple...
Graduates of the Tetta School of Comedy, were anointed by the High Priest himself... As High Priest Tetta dipped Basil leaves into Holy Marinara Sauce to sprinkle upon his students the "Red Badge of Stage Courage" and pronounce them ready to follow their comedic dreams...
Next Opening The Ancient Text...
...To be continued
Saturday, July 24, 2010
'Twas a Dark and Stormy Night
Missing our NYS Thruway exit at Route 14 in last night’s rain storm... I angrily continued on to the Route 21 exit...
As Eileen made a seemingly inane comment about things happening for a reason and that we must be meant to take Route 21 north home to Pultneyville... I chalked it up to various reasons... The late hour... The long and harrowing drive home through the storm… The humidity... The fried bar food we had called dinner... Take your pick...
Leaving the toll booth and turning north onto Route 21 and following the signs towards Palmyra, NY... The sense of the inevitable filled the car... Rain continued to pour down, hydro-blasting the windshield of bugs and road tar as the wind buffeted the car I struggled to keep it on the dark road... Illuminated only by the great bolts of lightening crashing all around us...
Rounding a bend in perfect sequence with a lightening strike... We saw the reason we were meant to take Route 21 north home through Palmyra through the rain driven glare of our headlights...
Coming to a stop on the now dark and deserted road... Jumping from the car and we both ran ahead in the road... There in there middle of the road were several tablets...
...To be continued
As Eileen made a seemingly inane comment about things happening for a reason and that we must be meant to take Route 21 north home to Pultneyville... I chalked it up to various reasons... The late hour... The long and harrowing drive home through the storm… The humidity... The fried bar food we had called dinner... Take your pick...
Leaving the toll booth and turning north onto Route 21 and following the signs towards Palmyra, NY... The sense of the inevitable filled the car... Rain continued to pour down, hydro-blasting the windshield of bugs and road tar as the wind buffeted the car I struggled to keep it on the dark road... Illuminated only by the great bolts of lightening crashing all around us...
Rounding a bend in perfect sequence with a lightening strike... We saw the reason we were meant to take Route 21 north home through Palmyra through the rain driven glare of our headlights...
Coming to a stop on the now dark and deserted road... Jumping from the car and we both ran ahead in the road... There in there middle of the road were several tablets...
...To be continued
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Road Rash...
Leaving the house Tuesday evening for my drive west and another leg of my mid-west tour… Pulled into a rest stop on the western edge of Ohio approximately 1am intent on using the facilities and “resting my eyes” for an hour or so… Waking up in the front seat of my car 6hrs later with no clue where the fuck I was… I guess I needed to do just a little more than “rest my eyes…
I really like performing in the Midwest… It would be even better if I didn’t have to drive through Indiana to get there and back… I need to get some Sirius Radio… Locating nothing but country music on my way west…
As Alabama sang, “Play me some mountain music”… I thought sure… First tell me where the fuck, there are any mountains in INDIANA!!! Come to think of it where the fuck, are there mountains in Ala-fucking-bama… But I digress… I think the highway on and off ramps qualify as ski slopes in Indiana…
Best of all they charge you to drive through that state… What are they charging for, the scenery??? Although I will say the farms in eastern Indiana certainly looked like a safer place to be than Gary…
The license plates in Indiana say “In God We Trust”… You get off the highway in Gary… You better be prepared to trust a Colt ‘45 and I ain’t talkin’ about malt liquor…
The farms smelled a little bit better than Gary, too…
Saw a billboard in Illinois… “Report Corruption”… TO WHO??? IT’S ILLINOIS!!!!
I think they just want to know who the complainers are so they can show up to burn their fuckin’ house down… “Report Corruption”… Yeah, right…
Had a good show last night… Heading to LaCrosse, Wisconsin this morning with a stop to do a radio interview for the Friday and Saturday shows in Dubuque, Iowa…
Ok, that’s all for now folks… The Road Rash has been itched…
I really like performing in the Midwest… It would be even better if I didn’t have to drive through Indiana to get there and back… I need to get some Sirius Radio… Locating nothing but country music on my way west…
As Alabama sang, “Play me some mountain music”… I thought sure… First tell me where the fuck, there are any mountains in INDIANA!!! Come to think of it where the fuck, are there mountains in Ala-fucking-bama… But I digress… I think the highway on and off ramps qualify as ski slopes in Indiana…
Best of all they charge you to drive through that state… What are they charging for, the scenery??? Although I will say the farms in eastern Indiana certainly looked like a safer place to be than Gary…
The license plates in Indiana say “In God We Trust”… You get off the highway in Gary… You better be prepared to trust a Colt ‘45 and I ain’t talkin’ about malt liquor…
The farms smelled a little bit better than Gary, too…
Saw a billboard in Illinois… “Report Corruption”… TO WHO??? IT’S ILLINOIS!!!!
I think they just want to know who the complainers are so they can show up to burn their fuckin’ house down… “Report Corruption”… Yeah, right…
Had a good show last night… Heading to LaCrosse, Wisconsin this morning with a stop to do a radio interview for the Friday and Saturday shows in Dubuque, Iowa…
Ok, that’s all for now folks… The Road Rash has been itched…
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