Shine on Halloween Moon

Pultneyville, NY 2107… Sitting on Lake Road just west of the Hamlet of Pultneyville in the Town of Williamson, NY, Lakeside Cemetery is the final resting place of many interesting and colorful characters, from 18th and19th century Pultneyville Mariners, Civil War heroes, and hard working regular folks who forged a living from the land at a time when Pultneyville was still considered the western edge of the American frontier, to some of the newer residents including the famous author Eileen Loveman, who past away at the ripe old age of one hundred and twenty.

The spare parts she gleaned from her four children added many years to her life. Several of Eileen’s many books had even become the basis of some Hollywood movies. Eileen is buried beside her husband, Steve ”The Nuclear Guy” Natarelli, a well known nationally, touring comedian.

While fulfilling his life long dream of filming a live TV special for HBO, Steve’s life had been tragically ended onstage, while telling jokes about his ex-wife’s fat ass.

Shot by his ex-wife… “As she screamed, RUINED YOUR LIFE??? RUINED YOUR LIFE???? You think my fat ass is funny??? You want a blowjob??? How about if I just blow you away, Asshole!!!”

Taken away kicking and screaming she was sent to a gulag in Siberia, sentenced to becoming a vegetarian, she didn’t eat meat, but had no limit on Oreos. She was never heard from again.

The comedy world mourned the loss of Steve “The Nuclear Guy” and each year since his death they have held an Annual Ex-Wife Bash in his honor on the anniversary of his death.

The Pultneyville Historical Society Annual Halloween evening tours had grown through the years into a time when the locals could come to learn some history and visit a long gone relative or two, with many people through the years, even traveling from the nearby city of Rochester to partake of the festivities.

Guided through the cemetery by a member of the Historical Society, the visitors are met along the path by some of the Lakeside Cemetery’s more colorful inhabitants, played of course by other members of the Historical society.

Never a frightful Halloween event, the evening tours through the cemetery had always been considered a wholesome and safe family event and though the candles used to light the path had long ago been replaced by flashlights, the tradition of the evening tours that has continued strong all these years now seems threatened to finally becoming to an end... Not an end to the Halloween tradition of visiting the cemetery... But no longer are the crowds satisfied with seeing someone in costume playing a ghost.

For some strange and unexplainable things have begun to happen as the now huge crowds have filed in. Several witnesses have reported seeing the gravestone of Steve “The Nuclear Guy” Natarelli begin to glow an eerie, radioactive green against the pitch, black darkness of the late October evening sky.

Drawn to the light, the large crowds approach eagerly, but it’s not a member of the Pultneyville Historical Society they find there. Soon they are consumed by uncontrollable laughter and an inability to breath, for it’s truly the ghost of Steve “The Nuclear Guy” Natarelli!!!

Awakened from his slumber by the gathering of people, the numbers of which he had never seen while on stage... He never could resist an audience...

Well, summer’s over... It’s kind of depressing isn’t it??? It’s not all bad, though… How many people have kids away at college??? How many of you at least THOUGHT about doing it on the kitchen table the day they left???

How many Italians do we have here tonight??? You know a lot of people ask me if doing comedy is hard... I tell 'em... Minga, my last name is Natarelli... I grew up thinking it was normal to talk loud and draw attention to myself.

I really loved my grandmother... I think I'm going to grow a moustache... So I look just like her. (She told me when I got here, she never really liked that one.)

The whole time we'd be waiting in line ...SISTER MARY MISERABLE would be marching up and down telling us, if we talked in church we'd go to hell ...I always wanted to ask her ...Then why don't you SHUT THE FUCK UP??? You haven't stopped talking since we got here!!! (She’s still talking and guess what??? SHE AIN’T UP HERE!!!)

YEAH, I GOT SOME FUCKIN’ ISSUES... But talking in church ain’t one of ‘em... I've spent my time in hell ...I was in the nuclear power business for 30 years.

Elections are coming so health care is back in the news… We better hope laughter really is the best medicine… If we expect the politicians to do anything about it… Hell, the Democrats are letting Nurse Nancy Ratchet write the healthcare bill…

Do you think the Democrats really care whether you live or die??? Hell, dead people vote for the Democrats every election!!! What’s that tell ya???

Guys, you want your wife to get up early and fix breakfast before you leave for work in the morning??? Write a will... I’ve had bacon & eggs with a side of chest pains every morning, after I wrote mine...

How many people here tonight… Are from Wayne County??? You know sometimes all I have to do is SAY Wayne County to get a laugh... I wish comedy was always that easy...

Consider the irony of building a nuclear power plant in… Wayne County… Where the only thing anybody understands about the theory of relativity is... Everybody’s a FUCKIN’ RELATIVE!!!

I wanted to diversify the gene pool... So my wife was from Long Island… Her mother didn’t appreciate it when I offered to put in-law accommodations in our barn... What, sleeping on straw with smelly animals was… Ok, for the Baby Jesus... But was NOT OK for my mother in-law???

But the Mormons have this Bigamy thing going for them, too... Talk about hell on earth... I MEAN COME ON GUYS HOW MANY WIVES DO WE REALLY NEED TO TELL US HOW TO CHANGE A FUCKIN' LIGHT BULB??? It ain’t nuclear physics, btw!!!

I'm drinkin' tonite, because my wife is driving... Drivin’ me FUCKIN’ CRAZY!!!

When I was younger I never wanted kids... But now that I’m dead I can appreciate the importance of having a house full of them... ‘Cuz ya never know when you gonna need a spare part... NO!!! Not that part!!! I mean a kidney... Or a lung... Have enough kids... You might live forever...

I was screwed... All my kids were step kids… Their organs didn’t match... My wife got the kidney, the lung AND ALL THE MONEY!!!

So I told him I had three dogs... He said, “Do you breed dogs???” I said not unless you count when I was doing my ex-wife... She was a bitch!!!

I remember one Saturday morning I got up... The house was a madhouse... Dog barkin’, kid screamin’... All I wanted was the milk for my cheerios... But when my ex-wife bent over to get something from the refrigerator... I said, “YOU FAT ASS, YOU RUINED MY FUCKIN' LIFE!!!”

Slaying them with jokes… He kills them with laughter from the grave, as his ghost dances with his light sabre in hand like a hologram across the evening sky.

Laughing loud enough to wake the rest of the dead, the crowd roars in approval as Steve wonders aloud, who says you can’t do a gig outside??? If you’re gonna die laughing... Ya might as well do it here!!!

As the show draws to a close Steve thanks them for coming... Never one to over play an audience, he invites them back next year...

'Cuz you know what they say... Once you've had BLACK LAB... YOU ALWAYS COME BACK!!!