YOU BECHTEL EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOLL…

Some time ago in my quest to find passage out of the self-imposed exile to the Siberia of Idaho…

Yes, it was my mistake to move to Idaho Falls, ID… Though had I taken the time to research life here first maybe I could have avoided it… I’m here… Wasting no time looking for the road out of town…

I applied on line and sent my resume to Bechtel Marine Propulsion Corporation for a position at Knolls Atomic Power Laboratory in Upstate NY…

Herein to be known for the remainder of this discussion as BMPC… It may not be PC to refer to this company as a Bowel Movement… But those that know me… Well, yeah… You know… I will just call BM… SHIT!!!

It was so long ago I had forgotten I applied and for what job I had applied for… Approximately two weeks ago I received a phone call from the department manager connected with that position and following the phone interview he informed me the HR department would be in touch with me to arrange my travel from Idaho Falls, ID to Albany, NY for an in person interview…

Early this week I received that phone call and agreed to travel to Albany next week on May 29th for an interview May30th, returning to Idaho Falls the same day… An email was received confirming this… Instructing me to call the travel agency BMPC does “their business” with to schedule my flight…

Of course, on short notice and only a week out the flight was going to be expensive, but they said they wanted me there… Oh, but wait… Not at more than $1000.00 for a round trip ticket…  So the decision was made to reschedule the interview…

Yesterday I received a call from the BMPC HR Department… Would it be PC to now refer to them as the Head Rectal Department??? Yeah, well these people have their heads so far up their collective asses, I am happy this story ends the way it does…

Agreeing to reschedule the interview for Mid-June I expected today to here from the travel agency BMPC does “their business” with to schedule my flight… BUT wait…

Today I received a phone call from the Head Rectal Department informing me that travel for the interview wasn’t authorized… But since I had stated I had family in Upstate NY they would be happy to interview me when I travelled to visit family this summer…

I promptly informed the woman from the Head Rectal Department that if she could remove her head from her ass… She’d have room to stick the interview up there… Interview this, sweetheart… If you talk into this microphone I have in my pants… I’ll make you a star…    

Have a nice day… Mine sucked… But I’m better now…

Big League Dreams

Big League Dreams

A gangly adolescent with Big League Dreams, dressed in standard Catholic High School garb… Dress shoes, pants, collared dress shirt and tie and sport jacket… His shoulder length hair, that everyone else also seemed to be wearing at the time, more than ironically his only claim to individuality… Boarded a school bus on a warm October morning in the early 1970s, lost in his typical teenage thoughts…

Homework and good grades, balanced of course against being a nerd and not fitting in with the popular crowd… More than occasionally seeking the approval he didn’t always get at home in ways the authority of the day (Parents, Priests and Nuns) didn’t always appreciate… Speaking his mind, acting out against authority, usually quite loudly and social commentary on the events of the day or times… While garnering him attention, often had him in hot water with the said authorities of a typical teenager’s life…

Many years later, those same “endearing” qualities… Speaking his mind, often quite loudly… Acting out against authority and social commentary would lead him finally to the stage… Where the safety it provides him to say whatever was on his mind… While garnering the same immediate feedback and acceptance from complete strangers, that he had sought from family and friends his whole life…

But returning now, to our hero’s teenage thoughts as he finds a seat on the bus… Of course Catholic High School girls, pressing the short skirt limit as far up their thighs as the authorities of their day would let them, always had a place somewhere in his mind… Though his attempts at the social skills needed to interact with them were often met with rejection…

Sports were his refuge and warm October days in the early 1970s were a special time indeed… Weekday World Series games were still played on sunlit afternoons back then… A gangly, adolescent boy with Big League Dreams needed to take the necessary steps not to miss the action…  

And low and behold the authorities of the day help provide the means… A transistor radio with and ear piece tucked neatly in the inside breast pocket of his sport coat provided the rest…

Earpiece cord running inside the arm of his coat to the palm of his hand, he could sit head in hand during class… Feigning interest in geography and social studies class while his mind’s eye pictured the descriptions offered by the games announcers… And his teenage Big League Dreams still alive he wondered if he’d ever get the chance to perform on as big a stage…

Many years later… The realities of life having caused the Big League Dream to be long since forgotten… Much to his surprise after 9 years of military service, many years of a successful commercial nuclear power career and numerous crappy relationships… The Big League Dream was suddenly back from the dead and alive again!!!

No, he wouldn’t be hitting home runs or pitching no hitters in the seventh game of the World Series… Our hero had seen a feature story in the local paper about a comedy open mic… Where anyone could come in step on stage be handed the microphone and try their hand at being funny…

Many years later, using those same “endearing” qualities… Speaking his mind, often quite loudly… Acting out against authority and social commentary that always seemed to get him in trouble, (sometimes it still does) with a lifetime of experiences to talk about, our hero had found his home…

Of course he would have to spend his time in the minor leagues honing his skills… Eventually, his Big League Dream became a reality with opportunities to perform on Big League stages all across the country… Where the safety it provides him to say whatever was on his mind… Garnered him the same immediate feedback and acceptance from complete strangers, that he had sought from family and friends his whole life…

Life’s twists and turns weren’t done with our hero, though and last Friday night he stood at a bus stop in Idaho Falls… Listening to a ballgame, not on a transistor radio, but his cell phone… Broadcast live over the internet…  

Choosing his seat as he boarded the bus… The immortal words of “Crash Davis”, the veteran catcher in the movie “Bull Durham” echoed in his ears… “What the hell am I doing in ‘A’ ball???

The twists of life having taken our hero back to the minor league cities and minor league stages… He longed for one last shot at the Big League Dream and Big League Stages… One last shot before he has to hang up his microphone and settling for a “manager’s spot in Visalia” in his attempt to get back to “The Show”…

Fates twists and turns have some good things left for our hero… A chance to perform at the St. Charles, IL Zanies in June, the Twin Cities, Joke Joint in July and Las Vegas in September as part of this year’s World Series of Comedy are as good an ending as to this story as our hero could have ever dreamed on those warm October afternoons many, many years ago…

One last chance to up step to plate and quoting Roy Hobbs in “The Natural”… “To Swing Away”…

More Than Air!!!

18 months into the self-imposed exile to comedy Siberia…

Things are slowly starting to change… Recent successes in Burley and Idaho Falls are buoying my hope that there are people here unafraid of the truth… People fed up with milk and cookies… People starved for big people entertainment and an open window of fresh air to blow away the stale church air that hangs heavy over this city and its surrounding communities…

It’s been a battle to find them… Allies… Brothers in arms… And it’s been an honor to entertain them…

Building on the successful opening night in Burley… We’ve booked a 2^nd comedy night the end of the month in the same venue… I’m currently looking for the right two comics to do the show…

Behind the scenes there have been moments of intense frustration… Unreturned phone calls, unanswered emails and worst of all… Time wasted, at least two out of the last 3-4 weekends, battling computer problems which could have been spent running down new venues or working on material… A constant challenge for every comic…

I’ve heard that the closer one is to victory the harder the battles can become… Maybe it’s the universe testing our resolve… Questioning how bad we really want to win… How bad do I want to win??? How bad do I want this comedy dream to become reality???

I ain’t wasting any more time… I want it more than I want my next breath fresh of air!!! I’ll have it or die trying…

UPDATE… UPDATE… READ ALL ABOUT IT…

Two months into the new year and 6 weeks since breaking the comedy cherry of JJs Saloon… Two additional SE Idaho venues (BJs 19^th Hole Sports Tavern in Burley, ID and Db’s Bar in Idaho Falls) have had their comedy cherries broken with sold out rockin’ shows…

It was my mistake not to get video clips of the show at BJs in Burley… But if there’s any doubt about the DB’s show… See the clips posted on my page or speak those who were there…

But as the up and coming “Godfather of Southeastern Idaho Comedy” continues his search for new venues to build comedy runs in all directions to and from Idaho Falls…

Rumors have come to our attention that a certain booker or bookers may be perusing our Facebook page for information on rooms Three Dog Comedy Productions has already done the leg work on… Then trying to steal our rooms and we'd like to not make it easy for them…

While nothing has been ascertained yet as to whom it may be or if anyone at all… Steps are being taken to protect our efforts… All people and booking agencies have been removed from our friends list and blocked from seeing our home pages… To the people/bookers not involved in unethical behavior I apologize… But ALL BASES NEED TO BE COVERED…

While unnamed now… REST ASSURED… I’LL MAKE YOU A DEAL THAT CAN’T BE REFUSED… IF AND WHEN THE IDENTITIES OF ANYONE TRYING TO UNDERMINE OUR EFFORTS COME TO LIGHT THEY WILL BE SHARED HERE AND WITH THE WHOLE OF THE COMEDY WORLD…

The comedy business is hard enough… Comics and bookers undermining the efforts of others only make this business harder…

As a good friend of my shared with me today “Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.” Consider this a bit of birth control…

And a warning… When we find out… YOU WILL BE FUCKED AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW ABOUT IT!!!

I moved to Idaho to drive a cement truck... The company I worked for back east called them shoe mobiles...

Steve "The Nuclear Guy" Natarelli

www.facebook.com/threedogcomedyproductions

www.facebook.com/stevethenuclearguy

As Time Goes By...

"Losers try their best.... Winners Fuck the Prom Queen!" Sean Connery-"The Rock"

16 months into a self-imposed exile to what amounts to the Comedy Siberia of Southeastern Idaho… Time for this comic having cut his comedy teeth up and down the east coast of America and across the mid-west to do some reality checks, assessments and make some course adjustments…

The comedy road work secured upon first arriving here for all intents and purposed has dried up now due to long distances between gigs, high gas prices and false hope in the promises of bookers dangling quality gigs for a willingness to take the shitty ones, too…

More than a year’s worth of additional writing and polishing of material that has yet to see the stage needs to find an outlet other than while standing in line at Wal-Mart… Thinking out loud like an asylum escapee…

A non-existent local comedy scene… Except for what is known among road comics who’ve been there as one of the shittiest places ever to perform… No love of the art form to be found or practiced there… A “Do your time… Get your check, then leave”, waste of your time venue… It’s only quality being 15minutes from my home… Last setting foot upon its stage this past September… I’ve promised myself… “Never again…”

If a real as we know it comedy scene is going to happen here… It’s going to be up to me to build it… Build it from a populace un-schooled in how to “enjoy” almost any kind of live performances from comedy to live music...

There is no concept that talking through it… Talking over it… Or shouting incoherent BS in the middle of it… Doesn’t make it easy for the few in the room trying to enjoy the performance to have a quality experience and it certainly doesn’t endear the audience to the performers working hard to practice their craft…

The search for venues willing to take a chance on a comedy night running a fowl of the language/indecency police of church people is a constant battle in a city almost devoid of nightlife… In what would be considered the Happy Hour time slot anywhere else in the country… Live music is featured most places from 7-9pm… Live music that plays later than 11pm even on the weekends can be difficult to find… After all people need to get up early for church…

Why are there so many families with 5-6kids here??? FUCK!!! There ain’t anything else to do!!!

But the battle continues and small victories are celebrated… And hopefully built upon… Saturday, January 14th @9pm Three Dog Comedy Productions will break the comedy cherry of a new venue JJs Saloon in “Historic” Downtown Idaho Falls… Just don’t ask me why Downtown Idaho Falls is “Historic”… I don’t have a clue… And I doubt many others do, either… I have some theories… But you’ll have to come to the show to hear them…

I’m happy to have finally found a venue willing to take a chance… Willing to listen and learn how to make a show successful… Quality shows don’t just happen, folks… The dynamics going into a great show are things the audience never sees… But overlooked bring failure… Sound, lighting, room set up… And numerous simple but important other things…

Promotion being an all-important facet also… I’m happy they have embraced it and I’m doing my best to assist via Facebook and email… Remembering of course one of the last shows I produced in Upstate NY to a more than half empty room…

Not a poster, sign or anything appearing on the walls, doors or rest room stalls… The venue, a marina and restaurant/bar, whose owner, shortly after his divorce for an affair with a 17yr old waitress, wanted to cut my pay due to the low turnout… No, that’s why we had a contract, dummy…

But that’s water under the marina dock as they say…

With JJs Saloon already asking about monthly and possibly weekly shows… Things are hopefully looking up… Though I may run some of them as open mics… My personal preference of instruction being a “Boot Camp” scenario… I’ll do my best to tame it down… No pushups for shitty jokes…

I think the best way to teach people how to act as an audience during a live performance just might be to give them a chance to be the performance…

Who knows it could be a small start to something big and who knows someday I just might be known as the “Godfather of Southeastern Idaho Comedy”…

The search for additional venues continues as my thirst for comedy road work remains unquenched… The search is expanding to reasonable driving distances in all directions… The hope being to build a run or two of one and two nighters back to back… Then maybe parlay a piece of that into additional road work from other bookers… Then again maybe not… I’m a GOPer… Elephants never forget…

I’m not sure I’ve said all the things I planned when I sat down to write this…. I’m sure I’ve said some things I hadn’t planned on saying… Though if I’ve said them, they were probably hidden in my not so sub-conscious, conscious and they needed to be said…

Things are looking up as we await the start of 2012 and hopefully more shows to be produced are on the horizon… It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, but I resolve now to do a better job of that as the New Year unfolds…

Hopefully you’ll all come along for the ride with me as… The 2012 Witness Protection – Comedy Breakout Tour causes Southeast Idaho and the surrounding area to soil their garments…

It’s time to “Fuck the Prom Queen!!!”

Random Thoughts of and During My Recent Hospital Stays…

Random Thoughts of and During My Recent Hospital Stays…

Written in no particular order… But guided by my own stream of unconsciousness…

Lots of old people at hospitals…

25yrs ago I was struck by the fact that all the doctors at the VA were old Korean War doctors who spoke bad English and was not impressed with the level of care…

Happy to report that it’s not your father’s VA any longer… The facilities, at least in Salt Lake City, are modern… The level of care is superb... The doctors and nurses are young…

Though that might just be ‘cuz I’m the old guy there now…

Heard the BS life story of an old, fat, hard of hearing, war hero in the room across the hall as he recounted it to the fellow sharing his room… I don’t think that guy was thrilled to having it yelled at him…

Didn’t have to share a room there or might have had to yell “SHUT the FUCK UP!!!”… Probably would have had to yell it more than once…

Shared my room only with my wife who faithfully spent long boring hours at my bedside, helping me in and out of bed and taking slow walks around the hallways with me…

I don’t know yet where this adventure ends… But when it does… I will go… Knowing that I’ve been honored with the true love of a wonderful woman… I’ll be the first to admit I may not have always appreciated it and certainly took it for granted at times… I’m sorry Sweetheart… Thank You…

Though sore and tired came home feeling pretty good for almost two weeks and looking forward to heading back to work, though with restrictions June 2…

That date is now in question as an emergency trip back to a local Idaho Falls hospital last Thursday night may not have totally resolved the problems that brought me there in the first place…

Released Friday night at midnight with explicit instructions, that upon any return of similar symptoms that I was to get my ass back there immediately… I have a strong feeling I may be back before the holiday weekend is over… Hell, maybe as soon as I finish this blog… Certainly by the time most of you read it… More on that later…

My first trip to the local hospital Thursday night…

Lots of old people at hospitals…

Looks like all private rooms… Damn near hotel stay level… WiFi… Nice…

Disappointed with the level of training the student nurses are receiving these days… Two ventured into my room and neither could explain to me the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer…

I’m not a doctor, but my guess is they don’t taste the same…

A reality check #1… Offered by a veteran nurse in the room at the time… “Think your job sucks??? Be glad you aren’t a rectal thermometer tester…”

Point taken…

Experienced the joy of alert and conscious placement of an NG Tube* to empty my stomach while in the Emergency Room Thursday night/Friday morning…

* Wikipedia…Nasogastric aspiration (suction) is the process of draining the stomach's contents via the tube. Nasogastric aspiration is mainly used to remove gastric secretions and swallowed air in patients with gastrointestinal obstructions… It can also be appended to a suction system however this method is often restricted to emergency situations…

Wear clean underwear... I can't guarantee it... With what's bothering me these last few days...

So never, never trust a fart... Especially an old one like me...

Much of my stomach contents I involuntarily emptied onto myself before suction could be applied to the tube… Not a pleasant experience…

Another veteran nurse shared that during his training they practiced placement of the tubes on each other…

Reality Check #2… Offered by yours truly… “Well, at least you weren’t practicing Prostrate Exams on each other.”

Point taken…

There are a lot of old people at hospitals…

The raisin in the next room made a naked breakout attempt… I fear I glimpsed my wife’s future…

I wonder now as I contemplate what may be another return trip to the hospital is this how it will end??? Tubes running in and out of various orifices… Just trying to be comfortable and catch some of the ballgame on mlb.com while slipping in and out of consciousness…

It doesn’t sound like the heroic and ball of flame exit I had planned to me… And I still need to record the DVD I want played on a loop on a flat screen above my casket… The keg will be in the corner and there’ll be a two drink minimum, of course… Maybe some of those attending will die laughing and come along on the journey with me…

Morbid???

I don’t think so… It’s just…

Reality Check #3… It is gonna happen to all of us… It is times like these that certainly drive the reality home… Only the real lucky ones get to pick the when and how…

We need to be ready…

I’m not sure how this current adventure of mine will end, but just in case God Bless all of you who have enjoyed the ride with me, the laughs, and the tears…

I’ve ridden submarines from both coasts to points all across the globe… And count many past shipmates as current friends… Performed standup all across the country and had a blast doing it… Performed in more than my share of po-dunks and big city “A” rooms, too… I’ve found the people in the po-dunks the most genuine and appreciative of the laughs… They are my people… I’ve made many more friends and unfortunately a few enemies also along the way… The “I only work ‘A’ rooms” attitude never sitting well with me… Those people weren't famous before, they aren't famous now... So listening to their bullshit wasn't going to make me famous any quicker...They aren’t the ones who are important now… They never were… The people in the po-dunks deserve to laugh, too…

To those I’ve pissed off… Well… Fuck Off you probably had it coming anyway… You’re not important enough now to warrant more than these few lines… Know that I will go with a part of me still laughing in derision at you and your self-importance… See you in hell…

My only thoughts now constantly returning to those I love the most… My wife, my dogs and the F-in’ cat… Yes, even the cat…

My thoughts and concerns now only on their provision and care… Getting things in order and hoping there proves to still be many more years… To make more friends and hopefully not to many more enemies… To get that DVD recorded and before I really need to worry about it playing above my casket…

Mornin' Wood, you like to come in???

'Twas the day after midnights, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, the cat caught the mouse;

The clothes were all hung on a chair,
In hopes that laundry day soon would be there;

Nestled we were, all snug in our bed,
While visions of cool breezes danced in our heads;

Me in my skivies,
but holy they weren't,
since Wal-Mart had a sale 3 pair for a five,
and Jack in his collar,
I awoke with a holler,
When out on the porch there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what the FUCK was the matter.

Away to the door I stumbled slowly,
Totally unready for the sight before me,
As I opened the door, what should appear,
But a miniature old lady with big blue hair,
With a sales pitch so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment see was looking at my "Rick",

So I said with a grin,
Mornin' Wood, you like to come in?

She said If you're sleeping, you should put up a sign.
I asked Are you blind?
It seems plain to me,
and says Private Property!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!
And don't come back in the fall,
Jehovah she witnessed,
But the wrath of God they'll see,
If they come back here at all,
I shut the door tightly,
and said DAMN I've got to pee.