Manifesting My Destiny

Having given the contents of today’s blog much thought… It may read as more of a stream of consciousness… A stream with several beginnings… Maybe more than one middle and definitely an ending waiting to be written somewhere out on the comedy road…

I am exactly three weeks from beginning the biggest adventure of my life… I have made the commitment to “Manifest My Destiny” on the comedy road full time… Thursday November 21^st will be my last day at the Idaho National Laboratory…

I am 57 years old… I don’t intend to die sitting alone in a facility control room or while riding the bus an hour each way… While wishing I had given this an honest shot…

As a member of the Idaho Falls Elks Club #1087… I have booked a Retirement Party/Going Away show there for Friday November 22^nd…

I expect to be on the road by Sunday November 24^th, headed east… I have three open weeks… I am asking for “a little help from my comedy friends” to fill with some comedy work on my drive east…  

I am booked to feature at the new Joke Factory in my home town of Rochester, NY December 20 – 21… Except for a funeral I haven’t been there in more than 3yrs… 

Returning now for something much happier… I am looking forward to laughing with many family and friends at the shows and over the Christmas holiday… Many thanks to Artie Fletcher for the opportunity to perform close to home this holiday season…

Leaving Rochester… I again asking for “a little help from my comedy friends” to fill in the three weeks after Christmas as I head to St. Croix, WI and Shakopee, MN for my first gigs as part of the Entertainment Max roster… January 9 – 11...

I am excited to be working for Entertainment Max… Though disappointed it falls the same weekend of the Idaho Laugh Fest… Maybe it’s professional progress to have to turn down an invitation to a comedy festival because of previously scheduled paid work…

Heading west from there back towards Idaho Falls… The calendar is need of even more “help from my comedy friends” until I head to California the end of February again for this year’s SLO Festival… You can see video of my performance at last year’s SLO Festival here… Steve 'The Nuclear Guy' from Entertainers Worldwide Ltd

As I ask for “a little help from my comedy friends” in filling my calendar and making the chasing of this dream possible… Please my friends… Read Part II of this blog and realize the sacrifice I am making to chase this… Please don’t let this sacrifice be made in vain…

PART II

The hardest part of writing this blog… And a big request for “a little help from my Idaho friends”… Some of you may already know what I need to ask… I think all of you know it is breaking my heart to have to ask this… You all know what they mean to me… But if I am going to chase this crazy dream…

I need to find a home or homes for my boys… Temporary or permanent… I would love to keep them together, but realize that might not be possible… They are the most amazing animals… Smart, affectionate and loving to everyone… Always looking for playmates… They get along well with all other animals…

Riley, the chocolate lab is the oldest at 11.5 years old… He turns 12 in June… Still spry for his age… He needs a safe and loving place to live out his years…

JJ, the black lab/beagle mix is 9.5 years old… He’ll be 10 in August… Probably the smartest of the three… He is also the most energetic during our trips to the dog park… He’s quiet, patient and loves to give hugs to everyone he meets…

Simon, the yellow lab is 8.5 years old… He’ll be 9 the end of July… The baby of the three… He truly is a big baby and needs a place where he’ll be babied and loved…

I am running short on time to find them a home or homes… Please Idaho I need someone to step up… If you or anyone you know who may be willing to adopt or foster (maybe indefinitely) please let me know as soon as possible…  

Desert Nights

Originally planning to work on editing old blogs and short stories for my book while on last weekend’s adventure into the Idaho desert… It was immediately obvious that rehashing old stories while living a new adventure just wasn’t going to happen…

While the laptop containing all the old stories had been brought along… The desert dust convinced me it might be a better idea not to take it from the back pack… A pen and paper it would be… Sometimes old ideas are the better ideas…

Though testing fine the night before we left… RV generator problems also meant I would have been limited by laptop battery life… Luckily I had plenty of ice to keep food and beer cold since the RV fridge wasn’t running correctly without the generator, either…

Riley had reminded me earlier that Lewis and Clark crossed the country with no generators, refrigerators or propane stoves… I could still cook food so our adventure continued…

While two solar powered spot lights lit up the area outside the RV… It was eerily quiet each night… The boys breathing and the sound of my pen scratching across the paper in the lantern light the only sounds…

We were alone in the wilderness… Back east the wilderness always meant forest… Here there are no trees to be seen for as far as the eyes can see… 

The smell of sage brush crushed by the tires of the RV is one of the most awesome smells in the world… 

Beautiful desert flowers I have dug up to plant in a pot at home… Are safer than some of my poisonous relationships… Looked nice… But should never have touched…

Sitting outside in a camping chair darkness surrounding me… It’s a different kind of stage… But just like stand-up comedy… I was on it alone… The light of the lantern acting as the stage spotlight… Desert moths dancing in the light are the only hecklers at these shows…

The magnificent night sky fills with stars in the darkness… Like candles on show room tables they are the only thing I can see staring into the sky… The place is packed every night…

The road comic adventure is beginning again in earnest…

My last day at the Idaho National Lab is November 21^st… My notice has been given… The decision immediately questioned... Tragically confirmed in my own mind by the sudden death at 52 of a Facebook friend I had never met… I’m 57 and I’m going to go out doing what I want…

It requires no more discussion…

A keg in the corner and a two drink minimum… My DVD on loop on a big screen TV at my wake…  Play Dennis Leary’s “I’m an Asshole” at my funeral… And fill my pockets with fireworks before you send me to the crematorium… I’ll go out with a bang…

All that’s left is to manifest a full calendar of work…

Booked to feature at the new Joke Factory in Rochester, NY December 20 & 21… I look forward to some much needed laughing with family and friends for the holidays…  

The triumphant return home of a prodigal son… My comedy once lost has now been found…

Eventually the old blogs and short stories may be edited into a book… But the important stories are the ones to come… The ones that will tell a love story… With the stage… The road and the people who encouraged me and helped me to find my comedy again… I travelled 2000 miles to meet them…

Wherever the comedy winds take me… They will travel in gratefulness with me in my heart… 

Blackjack Riley

Your name was Blackjack, but everyone just called you Jack. A black lab retriever and my fabulously, faithful, floppy eared, furry, friend. I'm just remembering you today as I often do my friend.

Remembering how you loved to head to the water on the hot summer days and your daily visits to the neighbors for treats. Which often led me there for a visit also, only to find you on their sofa in front of the TV. "Can my dog come home now?" I'd say.

You never seemed to think you were a dog and I guess you were right. You certainly were more than just a dog. You, who were always there with a willing ear and a sloppy kiss as you'd climb up onto the sofa and put your head in my lap. Just an ear scratch and a belly rub was all you would ask.

"Jack the Licker" we'd call you or of course "Jack Riley", since you certainly had the life. You still are such an example my friend, never an unkind word (or bark) for anyone. Not even for the neighbor’s cats, who took over your doghouse and made it the neighborhood "cat house".

Remembering how you willingly tolerated (you actually loved the attention) having to wear your doggy antlers at Christmas. And how you proudly wore your fire helmet and rode in a fire truck during the parades. And your Halloween bandana as you "trick-or-treated" to the neighbors again for bacon strips.

You were never judgmental and so full of life and love, love given unconditionally to all. But especially me, for 16yrs my friend you always seemed to know when I needed it most.

I remember now the games of "biscuitball" and walks in the park with your lease in your mouth. "He's taking himself for a walk" I'd tell everyone.

"He's died and went to heaven", everyone said the day you came to live at the lake with me. No, my friend you brought heaven to me.

It's 15 years years now, since you've been gone. I remember that day so clear, the most difficult day of my life. The day I repaid you for all of your unconditional love. Barely able to walk, but with a heart so brave, I lifted you into the truck and stopped to buy you donuts on the way. Proud to the end, you would not be carried into the vets that day. Silently you walked in and lay on the floor, three grown adults cried as they watched.

That heart so strong, it almost refused to stop. But finally you rested, a rest so deserved. Now you're in doggie heaven, I'm sure and chasing slow rabbits is your reward.

We miss you, my friend and Zeekee, the cat who runs with you now, too. She slept in your spot until it was her turn to join you.  Riley was your namesake, chocolate he was though and bigger too, plus the little black lab, JJ (Jack Junior)... Simon, the yellow lab. They sat together with Zeekee to keep her warm and say goodbye on her last day... 

Friends you would have been, playmates I'm sure. They've all joined you now... And there's a new kitty in the house... I miss you my friend... XXX

Midnight on the Water

With annual job performance reviews out this week... I thought I would use last night's midnight shift to drop my sails and take some time for reflection and an annual self assessment...

It's been a turbulent personal year... Finally admitting last year, about this same time, that making believe I was happy aboard a rudderless ship had to come to an end... I had heard the siren calls to a lonely sailor and steered the ship way off course... I was getting nowhere fast, rudderless, bow turned into a strong head wind... The sails needed to be adjusted and quick the ship was taking on water fast and headed for the rocks...

I've sailed some rough seas in the process of turning the ship around and I'm sure there may be a few more storms to sail through, but in finally determining where I wanted to go, a course has been charted towards the fair and now not as distant shores of the stage lights on the horizon...

I'm not there yet... But last night’s self-assessment has helped adjust the sails... And will help keep me from again steering too far off course... I know what I want and I am happy for the opportunity to pursue those dreams... Sometimes though there's a need to zoom out and look at the whole map... Not just the zoomed in "you are here" gps screen to realize… “Hey, I don’t need any detours…”

Feeling a bit depressed last night over some current events and not having something I felt I needed or maybe have been wanting... I realized... “Hey, that wasn't on the list of things I asked for last year...”

I realized I am right smack dab in the middle of what I asked for... There isn’t time to take the scenic route… I tried it… It doesn’t take me where I want to go…

All I need to do is keep my eyes on the horizon, adjust the sails and keep steering towards the fair winds and following seas... There are some buoy markers to sail past and around yet and some additional course corrections will have to be made as I sail past them... Some will bring choices on which way to steer the ship... Thought and reflection will be needed to pick the right course... But staying alert, to the process of reaching those markers will easily help determine the course to steer when those decisions need to be made...

The current goal is to book as much comedy road as possible and to attend every comedy festival between now and this year’s World Series of Comedy this September in Vegas… After which other decisions can be made… Full time road comic… Or open my own club smack dab in this hot bed of assholes who can’t take a joke… Idaho Falls… Thanks Chris Speyrer of Mason City Limits for planting that seed…

I'm refreshed and ready to set the sails for the course I'm determined to steer... Straight into the bright comedy stage lights...

 

http://youtu.be/PuFZVVrZtyk

Steve “The Nuclear Guy” Past Present and Future… An End of the Year (World) Look Back and Ahead…

2012 has been a year of constant change personally and professionally… Nuclear-ly and comically… Whether the Mayans are right or wrong… I am ready for this year to end…

I’ve lamented here numerous times the comedy Siberia that Southeast Idaho seems to be… Not needing to do that again I purposely chose the words “seems to be”… 2013 will be a year I am committed to changing that perception…

It’s still a lot of miles from here to anywhere to perform so rather than continuing to lament that… I have been thinking outside the usual comedy box… SE Idaho may be miles from everywhere comedy is normally performed… But by the power of the internet I can bring “everywhere” to SE Idaho…

I had hoped to launch my Internet talk show “Expecting Criticality at Any Time” this past November, but a series of dramatic events (some previously discussed here and some purposely left out of the discussion) has pushed the launch into the New Year… Using the delay to my favor… It has given me more time to brainstorm additional ideas for the show…

Planning to broadcast from a bunker DEEP beneath the SE Idaho desert…  ‘Cuz just like the... Mormons... Deep down... I’m really a nice guy... I am now planning on a live studio audience as an interactive part of the show…

Occasionally even including a game show format I am developing as an idea to bring to venues on the road… It may eventually become a separate show all its own, if sufficient sponsorship can be lined up for it…

The regular show will feature live in studio guests (maybe we’ll even get the Bishop to visit), as well as call in segments from some of my favorite road comics, other than myself... Discussion of current events... Musical guests... Skits... Comedy... My social and irregardless religious commentary...

And will also feature the debut of the “Mormon Girls Gone Bad”, ‘cuz when you’re Expecting Criticality at Any Time… “Bad” be “Good!!!”

Occasional "On the Road with Steve" shows as my comedy calendar allows… ‘Cuz when you are on the road from SE Idaho… You are really on the road!!!

And of course, what will be one of my favorite parts to the show... My "Dear Nuclear Guy" relationship advice for the lovelorn...

So stay tuned… I hope to see many of my local friends, followers, stalkers and those wondering “What the fuck is he up to now???” in the studio audience…

I hope the many friends I have made across the country tune in and who knows maybe this is the road that leads everywhere to SE Idaho and gets me the hell out…

Shine on Halloween Moon...

Pultneyville, NY 2107… Sitting on Lake Road just west of the Hamlet of Pultneyville in the Town of Williamson, NY, Lakeside Cemetery is the final resting place of many interesting and colorful characters, from 18th and19th century Pultneyville Mariners, Civil War heroes, and hard working regular folks who forged a living from the land at a time when Pultneyville was still considered the western edge of the American frontier, to some of the newer residents including Steve ”The Nuclear Guy” Natarelli, a well known nationally, touring comedian. While fulfilling his life long dream of filming a live TV special for HBO, Steve’s life had been tragically ended onstage, while telling jokes about his ex-wife’s fat ass.

Shot by his ex-wife… “As she screamed, RUINED YOUR LIFE??? RUINED YOUR LIFE???? You think my fat ass is funny??? You want a blowjob??? How about if I just blow you away, Asshole!!!”

Taken away kicking and screaming she was sent to a gulag in Siberia, sentenced to becoming a vegetarian, she didn’t eat meat, but had no limit on Oreos. She was never heard from again.

The comedy world mourned the loss of Steve “The Nuclear Guy” and each year since his death they have held an Annual Ex-Wife Bash in his honor on the anniversary of his death.

The Pultneyville Historical Society Annual Halloween evening tours had grown through the years into a time when the locals could come to learn some history and visit a long gone relative or two, with many people through the years, even traveling from the nearby city of Rochester to partake of the festivities.

Guided through the cemetery by a member of the Historical Society, the visitors are met along the path by some of the Lakeside Cemetery’s more colorful inhabitants, played of course by other members of the Historical society.

Never a frightful Halloween event, the evening tours through the cemetery had always been considered a wholesome and safe family event and though the candles used to light the path had long ago been replaced by flashlights, the tradition of the evening tours that has continued strong all these years now seems threatened to finally becoming to an end... Not an end to the Halloween tradition of visiting the cemetery... But no longer are the crowds satisfied with seeing someone in costume playing a ghost.

For some strange and unexplainable things have begun to happen as the now huge crowds have filed in. Several witnesses have reported seeing the gravestone of Steve “The Nuclear Guy” Natarelli begin to glow an eerie, radioactive green against the pitch, black darkness of the late October evening sky.

Drawn to the light, the large crowds approach eagerly, but it’s not a member of the Pultneyville Historical Society they find there. Soon they are consumed by uncontrollable laughter and an inability to breath, for it’s truly the ghost of Steve “The Nuclear Guy” Natarelli!!!

Awakened from his slumber by the gathering of people, the numbers of which he had never seen while on stage... He never could resist an audience...

Well, summer’s over... It’s kind of depressing isn’t it??? It’s not all bad, though… How many people have kids away at college??? How many of you at least THOUGHT about doing it on the kitchen table the day they left???

How many Italians do we have here tonight??? You know a lot of people ask me if doing comedy is hard... I tell 'em... Minga, my last name is Natarelli... I grew up thinking it was normal to talk loud and draw attention to myself.

I really loved my grandmother... I think I'm going to grow a moustache... So I look just like her. (She told me when I got here, she never really liked that one.)

The whole time we'd be waiting in line ...SISTER MARY MISERABLE would be marching up and down telling us, if we talked in church we'd go to hell ...I always wanted to ask her ...Then why don't you SHUT THE FUCK UP??? You haven't stopped talking since we got here!!! (She’s still talking and guess what??? SHE AIN’T UP HERE!!!)

YEAH, I GOT SOME FUCKIN’ ISSUES... But talking in church ain’t one of ‘em... I've spent my time in hell ...I was in the nuclear power business for 30 years.

Elections are coming so health care is back in the news… We better hope laughter really is the best medicine… If we expect the politicians to do anything about it… Hell, the Democrats are letting Nurse Nancy Ratchet write the healthcare bill…

Do you think the Democrats really care whether you live or die??? Hell, dead people vote for the Democrats every election!!! What’s that tell ya???

Guys, you want your wife to get up early and fix breakfast before you leave for work in the morning??? Write a will... I’ve had bacon & eggs with a side of chest pains every morning, after I wrote mine...

How many people here tonight… Are from Wayne County??? You know sometimes all I have to do is SAY Wayne County to get a laugh... I wish comedy was always that easy...

Consider the irony of building a nuclear power plant in… Wayne County… Where the only thing anybody understands about the theory of relativity is... Everybody’s a FUCKIN’ RELATIVE!!!

I wanted to diversify the gene pool... So my wife was from Long Island… Her mother didn’t appreciate it when I offered to put in-law accommodations in our barn... What, sleeping on straw with smelly animals was… Ok, for the Baby Jesus... But was NOT OK for my mother in-law???

But the Mormons have this Bigamy thing going for them, too... Talk about hell on earth... I MEAN COME ON GUYS HOW MANY WIVES DO WE REALLY NEED TO TELL US HOW TO CHANGE A FUCKIN' LIGHT BULB??? It ain’t nuclear physics, btw!!!

I'm drinkin' tonite, because my wife is driving... Drivin’ me FUCKIN’ CRAZY!!!

When I was younger I never wanted kids... But now that I’m dead I can appreciate the importance of having a house full of them... ‘Cuz ya never know when you gonna need a spare part... NO!!! Not that part!!! I mean a kidney... Or a lung... Have enough kids... You might live forever...

I was screwed... All my kids were step kids… Their organs didn’t match... My wife got the kidney, the lung AND ALL THE MONEY!!!

So I told him I had three dogs... He said, “Do you breed dogs???” I said not unless you count when I was doing my ex-wife... She was a bitch!!!

I remember one Saturday morning I got up... The house was a madhouse... Dog barkin’, kid screamin’... All I wanted was the milk for my cheerios... But when my ex-wife bent over to get something from the refrigerator... I said, “YOU FAT ASS, YOU RUINED MY FUCKIN' LIFE!!!”

Slaying them with jokes… He kills them with laughter from the grave, as his ghost dances with his light sabre in hand like a hologram across the evening sky.

Laughing loud enough to wake the rest of the dead, the crowd roars in approval as Steve wonders aloud, who says you can’t do a gig outside??? If you’re gonna die laughing... Ya might as well do it here!!!

As the show draws to a close Steve thanks them for coming... Never one to over play an audience, he invites them back next year...

'Cuz you know what they say... Once you've had BLACK LAB... YOU ALWAYS COME BACK!!!

Like a Note in a Bottle...

Like a Note in a Bottle… I received an email today from Joel Pace of Comedy Zone asking me if I was available for a gig on an upcoming date… No I’m 2000 miles away… But Joel I want to publicly thank you for the email… Just to know I haven’t fallen completely off the map is a wonderful feeling… I can’t find the words to say how truly good it made me feel…

 

I’m 2000 miles away… I’m stuck in a land of make believe… Make believe that things are normal and okay… Smile and drag your horde of kids to Wal-Mart to plug up the aisles… You’re only in your mid-twenties or less and you’ve dutifully cranked them out… It’s your only purpose in life… Be happy they let you finish high school…

 

Maybe it’s the nightshift… Maybe it’s more than that… It certainly feels like it… Struggling to finish preparations, packing, and planning to drive from Idaho Falls to Upstate NY… I’ll be leaving in less than two weeks… Me and my three sons… I’ve been marking pet friendly hotels along the way on the map… Maybe I shouldn’t say marking… They might not let us stay there…

 

I will need to average approximately 500miles per day to arrive in 4 days… I’ll have a day or so of rest before turning 180degrees and heading west again… Opening at Mason City Limits in Mason City, IL Nov 2 & 3 and Zanies Rising Star Showcase Nov 5 in Chicago… I need to be back in Idaho by Nov 8^th in order to go to work on the 9^th… A gig in Helena, MT falling through yesterday allows me to work the “real” job that weekend…

 

Desperately needing to escape the comedy Siberia of southeast Idaho at least a few times each month… I have been sending emails as fast as I can type them to bookers, bars, and every fuck stick maker I can think of east and west of the Rockies…

 

While trying to build a run or two… Phone calls are not returned… Emails go unanswered… Venues accustomed to getting shitty local cover bands for free see no need to pay for comedy… etc, etc, etc…

 

When I should be writing material I am busy trying to fill an empty calendar… When there is time to write I am stumped and uninspired by the sameness of my surroundings… A neighborhood resembling something like the one seen in “The Stepford Wives” … Misogyny is too big a word for eastern Idaho… Here they just call it Mormonism… I have become convinced that LDS stands for “Ladies are a Distant Second”… I’m from NY… I wouldn’t like it here even if I was Mormon!!!

 

Diversity… In Idaho Falls that means they used a different color brick to build the church this corner… Than the one on the corner you just passed… Tom Hanks ain’t got nothing on this “Castaway”… “Loneliness of the Long Distance Trucker”… I am starving for stimulation… I might as well be out to sea on a fuckin’ submarine again…

 

The saddest part of this rant is there are people here who will read it and ask, complete with their robot stare… “Why don’t you like it here???” They’ll never understand… I have a neighbor who proudly told me upon hearing I was from NY that she had NEVER BEEN MORE THAN 3HRS AWAY FROM HERE!!! AND NOW SHE IS SHARING THAT WONDERFULLY DIVERSE WORLD VIEW WITH HER SIX FUCKIN' KIDS!!!!

 

This rant has gone on too long… Yet maybe, not long enough… It needs to be posted and I need some sleep… Any touring comics looking for a travel partner please hit me up… Please do it before my head explodes... Thanks again Joel… You might have saved my life today… And if I hang on tight that rope just might drag me back onto the sanity of the road…