The 3 Phases of Matter

I know some of you might be thinking... “Oh shit… He wrote another shitty blog...” or “What’s the matter with him now” or “It really doesn’t matter”... To tell you the truth... Only one of those is one of the 3 phases of matter...

But luckily folks... It’s time for a chemistry class and an update on this Upstate New Yorker’s transition to life in Idaho Falls...

Earlier this week I mentioned that my new neighbors remarking upon my license plates could not believe I had moved from Neuva Jork to Idaho Falls... Well, no matter what they say... I still don’t believe they are “Canadian”, either...

I’ve said many times I’d be all for illegal immigration, if Juan Valdez would ride his ass over every morning to make coffee for me before I got up... Unfortunately, I’m usually left having to kick his ass for shitting on my lawn and my coffee tastes like it came from the Exxon Valdez...

That’s tough when days filled with math and chemistry classes have moved coffee to the top of the inverted food pyramid...

Up each day at 4am... Yes, I know that’s early, but I tell myself it’s really 6am Neuva Jork time... Coffee cup in hand I sit at my computer... Read some emails, check to see if World War III has started yet... And slowly let my mind and body awaken...

It’s slightly more than a two-block walk to catch the bus out to the site... Lunch cooler in one hand and backpack on my shoulder... I’m on the bus about 557am... An hour-ride on a dark bus... Unlike the school age bus rides filled with unruly and noisy children... The unwritten rule of no talking is religiously obeyed...

Taking my seat... I reach for the travel pillow stuffed into my backpack... Waking an hour later at my sagebrush desert oasis just as the sun is rising above the mountains to the east...

Sitting in math, chemistry and physics classes at my age is an interesting affair... I remember my high school classes and the age old questions, I’m sure teenagers are still asking today... “What do I need to learn this for???” and “When the hell am I ever going to need to use this information in real life???”

I sit there now astonished at how much the information in those classes explains life... Yes, maybe I should have paid better attention, way back then...

And I’m learning or relearning some new, interesting and hard to spell big words I’m going to have to try to work into my comedy routine...

Take “pyrophoric” for example... Even spell check doesn’t know what it is... The two examples it suggested instead of it were “prophetic” and “hydrophobic”... While I have already touched on the “prophetic” nature of high school chemistry class... It’s not an acceptable substitute and well... “hydrophobic” we’ll get to where that may fit into this discussion later...

You see “pyrophoric” is a word used to describe elements found in nature... Whose nature it is to spontaneously combust... Amazingly, describing the nature of my “pyrophoric” personality to... Spontaneously Combust!!!

Studying the Periodic Table of Elements... We learn that there are 92 naturally occurring elements in nature and that all things found in nature are a combination of these elements... Looking at the table of elements though we see there are 109 elements listed there...

Those above the “atomic number” of 92 are called “transuranic” elements and are man made...

I realize right about now you may be asking yourself... “Where the hell is this discussion going???”

Science is best explained in real life... So now that I’ve laid the ground work for your understanding... Let’s go back a few days for a real life example... Though many of you may say I don’t live a real life... I wish that what happened the other night was only science fiction... Unfortunately, it wasn’t... Only now though... I can explain it scientifically...

Sound asleep I was awoken from my dreams of stardom and starlits by a colon spinning like a cyclotron... Those are centrifuges, btw...

It quickly turned into a spiritual experience as I began running laps across my studio apartment from the bed to the toilet... Praying “Dear God, make it stop!!!”

Experiencing the “The Three Phases of Matter”... Solid, Liquid and Gas... First hand (Don’t worry I washed them) I happily thanked God I had never become a smoker... Any open flame then might have been deadly...

The Combined Gas Law relates the Pressure of a gas to the Volume and Temperature of the gas... Simply put there wasn’t enough Volume in my colon to hold back the Pressure... Warning: When playing with explosive gas at home... Be sure to use... Non-sparking tools... I feared for my ass and wished I had a toilet made of brass...

Like the Eveready Bunny I kept going and going... I’m not a veterinarian... But I think Eveready is wrong... I don’t think even bunnies go that much... Do they Katie???

We had learned about “fizzile material” and Pu... The “fizzile material” coming from my ass stank...

I had passed the Chemistry class, but now that wasn’t all I passed... “The Periodic Table of Elements” and the “Transuranic Elements”... I may have passed a few “Transurassic Elements” out of my ass...

Always aware of generating waste streams at work in an effort to minimize the amounts of industrial waste needing disposal... I was generating a pretty impressive waste stream...

As an ex volunteer fire fighter I had studied the four classes of fire...

Class “A” Fires – “Ash”.

Class “B” Fires – “Bottle”.

Class “C” Fires – “Current”.

Class “D” Fires – “Don’t Go Out!!!”

The current of flammable liquid flowing from my ass had left me with a fire that had no intention of going out... Far from being “hydrophobic” at that point and with no SCBA to wear while fighting the fire I jumped into the shower in an effort to put out the fire...

Almost three hours later with the fire finally out or at least reduced to a few soldering embers of ash... I now rushed to finish dressing and run for the bus...

Need exercise??? Run halfway to the bus stop... Before realizing you left your security badge and a few other necessary items sitting on your desk... Turn and run half way back... Before realizing one of the other necessary items left on your desk were the keys to your apartment...

Hunt down the apartment manager at 6am to get back into your apartment... Gather necessary items and turn to watch the bus pulling away...

Resigned to the fact the needed one hour nap on the bus had now been lost... I walked slowly to my car for the long drive in...

Industrial accidents are always analyzed for “Root Cause Analysis” to find the cause or reason for the accident... As the miles rolled away underneath me during the drive I analyzed my situation... What had been the cause???

Then I remembered... I had “Canadian” last week!!!