'Twas the day after midnights, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, the cat caught the mouse;
The clothes were all hung on a chair,
In hopes that laundry day soon would be there;
Nestled we were, all snug in our bed,
While visions of cool breezes danced in our heads;
Me in my skivies,
but holy they weren't,
since Wal-Mart had a sale 3 pair for a five,
and Jack in his collar,
I awoke with a holler,
When out on the porch there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what the FUCK was the matter.
Away to the door I stumbled slowly,
Totally unready for the sight before me,
As I opened the door, what should appear,
But a miniature old lady with big blue hair,
With a sales pitch so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment see was looking at my "Rick",
So I said with a grin,
Mornin' Wood, you like to come in?
She said If you're sleeping, you should put up a sign.
I asked Are you blind?
It seems plain to me,
and says Private Property!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!
And don't come back in the fall,
Jehovah she witnessed,
But the wrath of God they'll see,
If they come back here at all,
I shut the door tightly,
and said DAMN I've got to pee.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
How Do You Know???
John 11:48-50 (New International Version, ©2010)
48 If we let him go on like this, everyone will believe in him, and then the Romans will come and take away both our temple and our nation.”
49 Then one of them, named Caiaphas, who was high priest that year, spoke up, “You know nothing at all! 50 You do not realize that it is better for you that one man die for the people than that the whole nation perish.”
As the left rushes to pin responsibility for yesterday’s shooting in Arizona on Sarah Palin and the Tea Party… I thought I would present another possibility… It has as much credibility as any I have read from the left… Maybe more so…
Maybe, just maybe she was picked by the Democratic Party to be the one to die lest the whole Democratic Party perish…
As Oswald was a stooge for those plotting a bigger conspiracy…
This whack job was just the useful idiot they were looking for to spin a tragedy against those trying to take away their temple (The Capital Building and the White House) and nation…
And before you condemn me for floating this theory… Let me ask you… How can you be sure it’s not the case???
48 If we let him go on like this, everyone will believe in him, and then the Romans will come and take away both our temple and our nation.”
49 Then one of them, named Caiaphas, who was high priest that year, spoke up, “You know nothing at all! 50 You do not realize that it is better for you that one man die for the people than that the whole nation perish.”
As the left rushes to pin responsibility for yesterday’s shooting in Arizona on Sarah Palin and the Tea Party… I thought I would present another possibility… It has as much credibility as any I have read from the left… Maybe more so…
Maybe, just maybe she was picked by the Democratic Party to be the one to die lest the whole Democratic Party perish…
As Oswald was a stooge for those plotting a bigger conspiracy…
This whack job was just the useful idiot they were looking for to spin a tragedy against those trying to take away their temple (The Capital Building and the White House) and nation…
And before you condemn me for floating this theory… Let me ask you… How can you be sure it’s not the case???
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Composition Scatterings...
As I sort through the notes of joke and blog ideas scattered across my studio apartment, I realize they are just as scattered across my mind this cold and snowy day in Idaho Falls and have been for a while…
Some half baked ideas never cooked all the through… Some like cold turkey are leftovers waiting to be sandwiched between two new ideas… Some are twice baked notes scribbled on scraps of paper… Looking at the mess… I THINK I SHOULD TYPE THIS IN CAPS AS A TRIBUTE TO “THE BOB”…
Some ideas have already reached the end of their decay chain… While others scattering across my mind… Fission into new ideas…
It’s a snow day at the Idaho National Laboratory… So snow bound in my Idaho Falls apartment I’ll attempt to bring my thoughts under control… It will end either with something coherently readable or my mind as well as yours for reading it… Will vaporize into mushroom gravy you can serve on Thursday…
Finishing breakfast and a cup of coffee… I received the text this morning informing me the roads to lab had been closed just as I was about to head for my morning shower…
Remember snow days as a kid… we couldn’t wait to get outside to make a snow fort or to ride our sleds off the roof of the house… I did the adult thing today and U-turned back into bed…
But being older now also prevents me from being able to play “Pup Tent” all day long… Taking a look into the “mirror that lies… That couldn’t be me… It’s a gorilla disguised”… I knew despite having no where to go today… I couldn’t put the shower off any longer…
My studio apartment is no Playboy Mansion… My sweat clothes are no silk pajamas… But since I probably won’t be wearing anything but the sweat clothes I also sleep in all weekend long… I’m feeling a little like Hugh Hefner… But alas… I’ll be playing alone… Unlike a Catholic Priest somewhere who will be Play-ing with an altar Boy…
Shakespeare wrote of a “Mid-summer Night’s Dream”… I woke from a nap the last weekend in the middle of a “Nuclear Winter Nightmare” … Being an ex-submarine sailor… My cell phone ringer is set to a sonar ping… Stupid really… I still jump every time it goes off… But I digress…
Sound asleep… I’m awakened… In a scene straight from a black & white WWII submarine movie… Hot, sweaty, in need of a shave… By the familiar “PING”… Knowing I needed to react quickly… Yet eyes barely focusing in the dim gray light… Grabbing the phone and I attempt to tap out a Morse Code S.O.S. on a keyboard only big enough for the fingers of the “e-trade” baby… before it’s too late… But I get hit again “PING”… Knowing I really need to hurry now… It’s too late… the single “PINGS” for email and text message are too quickly followed by the “PING, PING, PING, PING, PING, PING…” of an incoming phone call… I’m left thinking whether to dive back down below the bed and rig for depth charges…
Mrs. Potato Head forgetting that no one can match the speed of her fingers on the keyboard had sent an email (“PING”) quickly followed by a text (“PING”)… Since I didn’t answer the email quick enough… And since I didn’t answer the text quick enough immediately followed that with the “PING, PING, PING, PING, PING…” of the incoming phone call…
Shell shocked and shaken… If it happens again… My cell might be “Running Silent and Deep” in the Snake River… A – ugha!!! A-ugha!!! Dive!!! Dive!!!
But the prospect of spending the Thanksgiving holiday alone has Mr. Potato Head missing his Sweet Potato even more… He can’t wait to get home for a piece of her sweet potato pie…
Looking forward to being his Ida-Ho Potato… He only has eyes for her… And he just loves to hear her say… “My Mr. Potato Head… What big eyes you have…”
Knowing of course the one she loves best is his “Dick Eye” … Just thinking about it gives Mr. Potato Head a “Wood-eye”…
Asked if would accept any invites to share Thanksgiving dinner somewhere… Mr. Potato Head declined… Stating the obvious… Then he’d have to social-eyes… When he’d much rather CAPITAL-EYES!!! That’s a little political humor thrown in there, just for you Ralph…
Mr. Potato Head will be returning to Rochester December 17th and he is considering all kinds of conceivable ways to make light of the new TSA security requirements… Although most of them would probably just get him mashed…
Since he has eyes on the back of his head though… He is thinking that he should be working for Homeland Security looking for terrorists… Yeah, Mohamed… I’ll be keepin’ an eye out for ya!!!
Mr. Potato Head will be home all day on Saturday December 18th, busy with travel preps… But if you are in the area… Scallop on over to say hello and get fried… Unfortunately, his new job prevents him from browning any hash…
Sunday December 19th, the Tater Tots will be visiting to celebrate an early Christmas and by Tuesday the 21st Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head and their three dogs should be in the RV and on the road back to Idaho…
A planned stopped sometime along the way in Denver to visit some of the other tots… And on to Idaho hopefully before New Years to plant some new roots…
Don’t roll your eyes at me… You liked know you liked it…
Some half baked ideas never cooked all the through… Some like cold turkey are leftovers waiting to be sandwiched between two new ideas… Some are twice baked notes scribbled on scraps of paper… Looking at the mess… I THINK I SHOULD TYPE THIS IN CAPS AS A TRIBUTE TO “THE BOB”…
Some ideas have already reached the end of their decay chain… While others scattering across my mind… Fission into new ideas…
It’s a snow day at the Idaho National Laboratory… So snow bound in my Idaho Falls apartment I’ll attempt to bring my thoughts under control… It will end either with something coherently readable or my mind as well as yours for reading it… Will vaporize into mushroom gravy you can serve on Thursday…
Finishing breakfast and a cup of coffee… I received the text this morning informing me the roads to lab had been closed just as I was about to head for my morning shower…
Remember snow days as a kid… we couldn’t wait to get outside to make a snow fort or to ride our sleds off the roof of the house… I did the adult thing today and U-turned back into bed…
But being older now also prevents me from being able to play “Pup Tent” all day long… Taking a look into the “mirror that lies… That couldn’t be me… It’s a gorilla disguised”… I knew despite having no where to go today… I couldn’t put the shower off any longer…
My studio apartment is no Playboy Mansion… My sweat clothes are no silk pajamas… But since I probably won’t be wearing anything but the sweat clothes I also sleep in all weekend long… I’m feeling a little like Hugh Hefner… But alas… I’ll be playing alone… Unlike a Catholic Priest somewhere who will be Play-ing with an altar Boy…
Shakespeare wrote of a “Mid-summer Night’s Dream”… I woke from a nap the last weekend in the middle of a “Nuclear Winter Nightmare” … Being an ex-submarine sailor… My cell phone ringer is set to a sonar ping… Stupid really… I still jump every time it goes off… But I digress…
Sound asleep… I’m awakened… In a scene straight from a black & white WWII submarine movie… Hot, sweaty, in need of a shave… By the familiar “PING”… Knowing I needed to react quickly… Yet eyes barely focusing in the dim gray light… Grabbing the phone and I attempt to tap out a Morse Code S.O.S. on a keyboard only big enough for the fingers of the “e-trade” baby… before it’s too late… But I get hit again “PING”… Knowing I really need to hurry now… It’s too late… the single “PINGS” for email and text message are too quickly followed by the “PING, PING, PING, PING, PING, PING…” of an incoming phone call… I’m left thinking whether to dive back down below the bed and rig for depth charges…
Mrs. Potato Head forgetting that no one can match the speed of her fingers on the keyboard had sent an email (“PING”) quickly followed by a text (“PING”)… Since I didn’t answer the email quick enough… And since I didn’t answer the text quick enough immediately followed that with the “PING, PING, PING, PING, PING…” of the incoming phone call…
Shell shocked and shaken… If it happens again… My cell might be “Running Silent and Deep” in the Snake River… A – ugha!!! A-ugha!!! Dive!!! Dive!!!
But the prospect of spending the Thanksgiving holiday alone has Mr. Potato Head missing his Sweet Potato even more… He can’t wait to get home for a piece of her sweet potato pie…
Looking forward to being his Ida-Ho Potato… He only has eyes for her… And he just loves to hear her say… “My Mr. Potato Head… What big eyes you have…”
Knowing of course the one she loves best is his “Dick Eye” … Just thinking about it gives Mr. Potato Head a “Wood-eye”…
Asked if would accept any invites to share Thanksgiving dinner somewhere… Mr. Potato Head declined… Stating the obvious… Then he’d have to social-eyes… When he’d much rather CAPITAL-EYES!!! That’s a little political humor thrown in there, just for you Ralph…
Mr. Potato Head will be returning to Rochester December 17th and he is considering all kinds of conceivable ways to make light of the new TSA security requirements… Although most of them would probably just get him mashed…
Since he has eyes on the back of his head though… He is thinking that he should be working for Homeland Security looking for terrorists… Yeah, Mohamed… I’ll be keepin’ an eye out for ya!!!
Mr. Potato Head will be home all day on Saturday December 18th, busy with travel preps… But if you are in the area… Scallop on over to say hello and get fried… Unfortunately, his new job prevents him from browning any hash…
Sunday December 19th, the Tater Tots will be visiting to celebrate an early Christmas and by Tuesday the 21st Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head and their three dogs should be in the RV and on the road back to Idaho…
A planned stopped sometime along the way in Denver to visit some of the other tots… And on to Idaho hopefully before New Years to plant some new roots…
Don’t roll your eyes at me… You liked know you liked it…
Saturday, October 2, 2010
The 3 Phases of Matter
I know some of you might be thinking... “Oh shit… He wrote another shitty blog...” or “What’s the matter with him now” or “It really doesn’t matter”... To tell you the truth... Only one of those is one of the 3 phases of matter...
But luckily folks... It’s time for a chemistry class and an update on this Upstate New Yorker’s transition to life in Idaho Falls...
Earlier this week I mentioned that my new neighbors remarking upon my license plates could not believe I had moved from Neuva Jork to Idaho Falls... Well, no matter what they say... I still don’t believe they are “Canadian”, either...
I’ve said many times I’d be all for illegal immigration, if Juan Valdez would ride his ass over every morning to make coffee for me before I got up... Unfortunately, I’m usually left having to kick his ass for shitting on my lawn and my coffee tastes like it came from the Exxon Valdez...
That’s tough when days filled with math and chemistry classes have moved coffee to the top of the inverted food pyramid...
Up each day at 4am... Yes, I know that’s early, but I tell myself it’s really 6am Neuva Jork time... Coffee cup in hand I sit at my computer... Read some emails, check to see if World War III has started yet... And slowly let my mind and body awaken...
It’s slightly more than a two-block walk to catch the bus out to the site... Lunch cooler in one hand and backpack on my shoulder... I’m on the bus about 557am... An hour-ride on a dark bus... Unlike the school age bus rides filled with unruly and noisy children... The unwritten rule of no talking is religiously obeyed...
Taking my seat... I reach for the travel pillow stuffed into my backpack... Waking an hour later at my sagebrush desert oasis just as the sun is rising above the mountains to the east...
Sitting in math, chemistry and physics classes at my age is an interesting affair... I remember my high school classes and the age old questions, I’m sure teenagers are still asking today... “What do I need to learn this for???” and “When the hell am I ever going to need to use this information in real life???”
I sit there now astonished at how much the information in those classes explains life... Yes, maybe I should have paid better attention, way back then...
And I’m learning or relearning some new, interesting and hard to spell big words I’m going to have to try to work into my comedy routine...
Take “pyrophoric” for example... Even spell check doesn’t know what it is... The two examples it suggested instead of it were “prophetic” and “hydrophobic”... While I have already touched on the “prophetic” nature of high school chemistry class... It’s not an acceptable substitute and well... “hydrophobic” we’ll get to where that may fit into this discussion later...
You see “pyrophoric” is a word used to describe elements found in nature... Whose nature it is to spontaneously combust... Amazingly, describing the nature of my “pyrophoric” personality to... Spontaneously Combust!!!
Studying the Periodic Table of Elements... We learn that there are 92 naturally occurring elements in nature and that all things found in nature are a combination of these elements... Looking at the table of elements though we see there are 109 elements listed there...
Those above the “atomic number” of 92 are called “transuranic” elements and are man made...
I realize right about now you may be asking yourself... “Where the hell is this discussion going???”
Science is best explained in real life... So now that I’ve laid the ground work for your understanding... Let’s go back a few days for a real life example... Though many of you may say I don’t live a real life... I wish that what happened the other night was only science fiction... Unfortunately, it wasn’t... Only now though... I can explain it scientifically...
Sound asleep I was awoken from my dreams of stardom and starlits by a colon spinning like a cyclotron... Those are centrifuges, btw...
It quickly turned into a spiritual experience as I began running laps across my studio apartment from the bed to the toilet... Praying “Dear God, make it stop!!!”
Experiencing the “The Three Phases of Matter”... Solid, Liquid and Gas... First hand (Don’t worry I washed them) I happily thanked God I had never become a smoker... Any open flame then might have been deadly...
The Combined Gas Law relates the Pressure of a gas to the Volume and Temperature of the gas... Simply put there wasn’t enough Volume in my colon to hold back the Pressure... Warning: When playing with explosive gas at home... Be sure to use... Non-sparking tools... I feared for my ass and wished I had a toilet made of brass...
Like the Eveready Bunny I kept going and going... I’m not a veterinarian... But I think Eveready is wrong... I don’t think even bunnies go that much... Do they Katie???
We had learned about “fizzile material” and Pu... The “fizzile material” coming from my ass stank...
I had passed the Chemistry class, but now that wasn’t all I passed... “The Periodic Table of Elements” and the “Transuranic Elements”... I may have passed a few “Transurassic Elements” out of my ass...
Always aware of generating waste streams at work in an effort to minimize the amounts of industrial waste needing disposal... I was generating a pretty impressive waste stream...
As an ex volunteer fire fighter I had studied the four classes of fire...
Class “A” Fires – “Ash”.
Class “B” Fires – “Bottle”.
Class “C” Fires – “Current”.
Class “D” Fires – “Don’t Go Out!!!”
The current of flammable liquid flowing from my ass had left me with a fire that had no intention of going out... Far from being “hydrophobic” at that point and with no SCBA to wear while fighting the fire I jumped into the shower in an effort to put out the fire...
Almost three hours later with the fire finally out or at least reduced to a few soldering embers of ash... I now rushed to finish dressing and run for the bus...
Need exercise??? Run halfway to the bus stop... Before realizing you left your security badge and a few other necessary items sitting on your desk... Turn and run half way back... Before realizing one of the other necessary items left on your desk were the keys to your apartment...
Hunt down the apartment manager at 6am to get back into your apartment... Gather necessary items and turn to watch the bus pulling away...
Resigned to the fact the needed one hour nap on the bus had now been lost... I walked slowly to my car for the long drive in...
Industrial accidents are always analyzed for “Root Cause Analysis” to find the cause or reason for the accident... As the miles rolled away underneath me during the drive I analyzed my situation... What had been the cause???
Then I remembered... I had “Canadian” last week!!!
But luckily folks... It’s time for a chemistry class and an update on this Upstate New Yorker’s transition to life in Idaho Falls...
Earlier this week I mentioned that my new neighbors remarking upon my license plates could not believe I had moved from Neuva Jork to Idaho Falls... Well, no matter what they say... I still don’t believe they are “Canadian”, either...
I’ve said many times I’d be all for illegal immigration, if Juan Valdez would ride his ass over every morning to make coffee for me before I got up... Unfortunately, I’m usually left having to kick his ass for shitting on my lawn and my coffee tastes like it came from the Exxon Valdez...
That’s tough when days filled with math and chemistry classes have moved coffee to the top of the inverted food pyramid...
Up each day at 4am... Yes, I know that’s early, but I tell myself it’s really 6am Neuva Jork time... Coffee cup in hand I sit at my computer... Read some emails, check to see if World War III has started yet... And slowly let my mind and body awaken...
It’s slightly more than a two-block walk to catch the bus out to the site... Lunch cooler in one hand and backpack on my shoulder... I’m on the bus about 557am... An hour-ride on a dark bus... Unlike the school age bus rides filled with unruly and noisy children... The unwritten rule of no talking is religiously obeyed...
Taking my seat... I reach for the travel pillow stuffed into my backpack... Waking an hour later at my sagebrush desert oasis just as the sun is rising above the mountains to the east...
Sitting in math, chemistry and physics classes at my age is an interesting affair... I remember my high school classes and the age old questions, I’m sure teenagers are still asking today... “What do I need to learn this for???” and “When the hell am I ever going to need to use this information in real life???”
I sit there now astonished at how much the information in those classes explains life... Yes, maybe I should have paid better attention, way back then...
And I’m learning or relearning some new, interesting and hard to spell big words I’m going to have to try to work into my comedy routine...
Take “pyrophoric” for example... Even spell check doesn’t know what it is... The two examples it suggested instead of it were “prophetic” and “hydrophobic”... While I have already touched on the “prophetic” nature of high school chemistry class... It’s not an acceptable substitute and well... “hydrophobic” we’ll get to where that may fit into this discussion later...
You see “pyrophoric” is a word used to describe elements found in nature... Whose nature it is to spontaneously combust... Amazingly, describing the nature of my “pyrophoric” personality to... Spontaneously Combust!!!
Studying the Periodic Table of Elements... We learn that there are 92 naturally occurring elements in nature and that all things found in nature are a combination of these elements... Looking at the table of elements though we see there are 109 elements listed there...
Those above the “atomic number” of 92 are called “transuranic” elements and are man made...
I realize right about now you may be asking yourself... “Where the hell is this discussion going???”
Science is best explained in real life... So now that I’ve laid the ground work for your understanding... Let’s go back a few days for a real life example... Though many of you may say I don’t live a real life... I wish that what happened the other night was only science fiction... Unfortunately, it wasn’t... Only now though... I can explain it scientifically...
Sound asleep I was awoken from my dreams of stardom and starlits by a colon spinning like a cyclotron... Those are centrifuges, btw...
It quickly turned into a spiritual experience as I began running laps across my studio apartment from the bed to the toilet... Praying “Dear God, make it stop!!!”
Experiencing the “The Three Phases of Matter”... Solid, Liquid and Gas... First hand (Don’t worry I washed them) I happily thanked God I had never become a smoker... Any open flame then might have been deadly...
The Combined Gas Law relates the Pressure of a gas to the Volume and Temperature of the gas... Simply put there wasn’t enough Volume in my colon to hold back the Pressure... Warning: When playing with explosive gas at home... Be sure to use... Non-sparking tools... I feared for my ass and wished I had a toilet made of brass...
Like the Eveready Bunny I kept going and going... I’m not a veterinarian... But I think Eveready is wrong... I don’t think even bunnies go that much... Do they Katie???
We had learned about “fizzile material” and Pu... The “fizzile material” coming from my ass stank...
I had passed the Chemistry class, but now that wasn’t all I passed... “The Periodic Table of Elements” and the “Transuranic Elements”... I may have passed a few “Transurassic Elements” out of my ass...
Always aware of generating waste streams at work in an effort to minimize the amounts of industrial waste needing disposal... I was generating a pretty impressive waste stream...
As an ex volunteer fire fighter I had studied the four classes of fire...
Class “A” Fires – “Ash”.
Class “B” Fires – “Bottle”.
Class “C” Fires – “Current”.
Class “D” Fires – “Don’t Go Out!!!”
The current of flammable liquid flowing from my ass had left me with a fire that had no intention of going out... Far from being “hydrophobic” at that point and with no SCBA to wear while fighting the fire I jumped into the shower in an effort to put out the fire...
Almost three hours later with the fire finally out or at least reduced to a few soldering embers of ash... I now rushed to finish dressing and run for the bus...
Need exercise??? Run halfway to the bus stop... Before realizing you left your security badge and a few other necessary items sitting on your desk... Turn and run half way back... Before realizing one of the other necessary items left on your desk were the keys to your apartment...
Hunt down the apartment manager at 6am to get back into your apartment... Gather necessary items and turn to watch the bus pulling away...
Resigned to the fact the needed one hour nap on the bus had now been lost... I walked slowly to my car for the long drive in...
Industrial accidents are always analyzed for “Root Cause Analysis” to find the cause or reason for the accident... As the miles rolled away underneath me during the drive I analyzed my situation... What had been the cause???
Then I remembered... I had “Canadian” last week!!!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
What A long Strange Trip My Life Continues to Be...
Travel log… Saturday September 18, 2010…
Lately it’s occurred to me what a long strange trip my life continues to be…
The last two weeks have afforded me some long hours alone in my car driving through some beautiful country… Idaho, Montana, Nevada and Washington State… Snow covered mountains and sagebrush high deserts… Windy river canyons and winding mountain roads…
Big sky country and the smell of pine trees in the clean Montana mountain air…
Time to be alone with my thoughts… A new job 2000 miles from home and at 54 yrs old… I’m back doing algebra and trigonometry… Next week we’ll throw some chemistry and reactor physics in there for good measure… It’s interesting and challenging…
It’s also given me an opportunity to perform in some interesting and historic places… Elko, NV this past Thursday… It’s roots to the Gold Rush days of the old west… The town was built by prospectors looking for an opportunity to work hard and make their fortune… Not people looking for a bailout, stimulus or free government healthcare… People there still work the mines…
Sagebrush covered high desert plains turned to fertile farmland during the homesteading days… Not by government intervention, but by hard working people wanting nothing more than to be given a chance to work hard and enjoy the fruits of their labor…
Yes, the argument can be made… The Homestead Act was a government program… A stimulus program if you will… It was a stimulus of opportunity for common people looking for the opportunity to work hard and enjoy the fruits of their labor…
The government gave 160 acres to each person over 21yrs of age requiring they farm at least 10 acres of the land… It wasn’t all wonderfully fertile and well-watered land… It was a hard life farmed with a horse drawn plow and watered with the sweat of a farmer’s brow…
It wasn’t a welfare program that doesn’t even require drug tests for those watering themselves at the government thorough… They were required to carve their existence out of that land…
No one was guaranteed success because they were too big to fail… And many, many of them did fail… It wasn’t a stimulus of fat cat bailouts and crony union buddies…
They lived in homes made of sod… Common God-fearing men and women yearning to work hard and live free… To raise their families as they saw fit…
But many of them also succeeded through their hard work in turning this land into land that feeds a good portion of the world now…
The people here are still strong, hard-working, independent-minded people… I am happy to be living and working among them and I’m looking forward to more opportunities to make them laugh…
Lately it’s occurred to me what a long strange trip my life continues to be…
The last two weeks have afforded me some long hours alone in my car driving through some beautiful country… Idaho, Montana, Nevada and Washington State… Snow covered mountains and sagebrush high deserts… Windy river canyons and winding mountain roads…
Big sky country and the smell of pine trees in the clean Montana mountain air…
Time to be alone with my thoughts… A new job 2000 miles from home and at 54 yrs old… I’m back doing algebra and trigonometry… Next week we’ll throw some chemistry and reactor physics in there for good measure… It’s interesting and challenging…
It’s also given me an opportunity to perform in some interesting and historic places… Elko, NV this past Thursday… It’s roots to the Gold Rush days of the old west… The town was built by prospectors looking for an opportunity to work hard and make their fortune… Not people looking for a bailout, stimulus or free government healthcare… People there still work the mines…
Sagebrush covered high desert plains turned to fertile farmland during the homesteading days… Not by government intervention, but by hard working people wanting nothing more than to be given a chance to work hard and enjoy the fruits of their labor…
Yes, the argument can be made… The Homestead Act was a government program… A stimulus program if you will… It was a stimulus of opportunity for common people looking for the opportunity to work hard and enjoy the fruits of their labor…
The government gave 160 acres to each person over 21yrs of age requiring they farm at least 10 acres of the land… It wasn’t all wonderfully fertile and well-watered land… It was a hard life farmed with a horse drawn plow and watered with the sweat of a farmer’s brow…
It wasn’t a welfare program that doesn’t even require drug tests for those watering themselves at the government thorough… They were required to carve their existence out of that land…
No one was guaranteed success because they were too big to fail… And many, many of them did fail… It wasn’t a stimulus of fat cat bailouts and crony union buddies…
They lived in homes made of sod… Common God-fearing men and women yearning to work hard and live free… To raise their families as they saw fit…
But many of them also succeeded through their hard work in turning this land into land that feeds a good portion of the world now…
The people here are still strong, hard-working, independent-minded people… I am happy to be living and working among them and I’m looking forward to more opportunities to make them laugh…
Monday, September 6, 2010
How I Spent My Summer Vacation...
With the battle against writers block at least temporarily won… I sit at my keyboard… Fingertips hunting and pecking away… I’m pickin’ ‘em up and puttin’ ‘em down as fast as I can…
As Labor Day weekend draws to a close and American school children all across this wonderful country return to the classroom… I also have returned to the classroom… So in a show of solidarity with students everywhere and for those who fondly or not so fondly remember giving these reports… I have affectionately titled this column…
“How I Spent My Summer Vacation”
How I spent my summer vacation… On the first day of my summer vacation… I hung out… On the second day of my summer vacation… I hung out… Etc, etc, etc…
I’m not really sure what day of my summer vacation my wife finally said… “Hey, Einstein why don’t you look for a job!!!”
So this Beach Boy caught a wave and on August 30th of this seemingly Endless Summer found himself sitting in a classroom in Idaho Falls, ID… Not quite the top of the world, but at almost a mile above sea level, surrounded by even higher mountain ranges and fairly far north… Pretty damn close…
Not quite the Beverly Hillbillies… We had loaded up the car a week earlier and driven cross-country from Pultneyville, NY to Idaho Falls, ID… Including a stretch across Canada on the first leg of our trip… Intent, of course, to minimize our drive time through the scenic and aromatic wonder of Indiana…
Continuing west through South Dakota… And the South Dakota Badlands… Stopping for dinner the third day of our trip in Wall, SD and discovering… The right front wheel bearing shot and needing to be replaced… Necessitating a more than 2 day lay over in scenic Wall… Including missing a scheduled gig in Great Falls, MT on the way to Idaho Falls… One more day and I would have needed some Wall Drugs…
Not that our time in Wall was uneventful as we awaited repairs… Ever the city girl… My Long Island wife decided she would walk the three blocks from the hotel to the restaurant and back our last night in Wall, in high heels… Ever the fashion statement she is… They offered her little to no protection against the rattlesnake sunning himself in the afternoon sun in the middle of the sidewalk on our return to the hotel…
Grabbing her right arm and steering her across the street… We avoided a trip to Wall Drug for a snakebite kit…
After short stops for pictures at Mt. Rushmore and Devils Tower, Wyoming we put the pedal to the medal… Racing across Wyoming in time to brave the gravel pass through the Tetons in the dark and in the rain… Lest we need to spend another night short of our intended destination…
Arriving in Idaho Falls 1am Saturday morning we were up early enough to drive through town, do a drive by of the home we hope to purchase and to drop her off at the Idaho Falls Regional Airport to continue her well documented travel adventure…
Now at 54years old, I find myself sitting in a classroom for three months at the Idaho National Laboratory… Learning the basics for a new job at the Materials and fuels Complex of the INL… I am looking forward to the challenge…
An hour bus ride west from Idaho Falls… Idaho National Laboratory is a place of much nuclear energy history and my only regret is I wasn’t here more than twenty years ago to have been a part of some of it… But as they say on the history channel… “History is made everyday…”
Unfortunately, algebra and trigonometry is ancient history to me… Nutritionists have shown that if you eat Big Macs you’ll wake up one day with a McTumor… Math class at my age… Made my head feel like I was growing a mathtumor… The only equation I solved was Algebra + Trigonometry = Migraine…
And I hadn’t even figured out the calculator yet… This long weekend was a great way to end my first week back into this world… A Friday night stop for a sixpack helped heal some over worked brain cells…
Tuesday night after work I move into my studio apartment… It’ll be my home while waiting for my house in San Diego, California to sell and we purchase one here in Idaho Falls… So Eileen and my boys can join me here… Referring to herself as bi-coastal now… I’m just trying not to go bi-postal…
Until then, in a scene right out of The Jetson’s we stay in touch using “Skype” video phone… It’s pretty entertaining to watch the dogs try to figure out where I am when they hear my voice… But unfortunately, it’s against the rules to show some “ta-ta” using Skype…
My two long weekends a month I am filling with as much comedy work as possible… Especially while travel through the mountains is still snow free… We’ll see what the winter brings to this part of the country…
I will be home the last two weeks of December for Christmas and New Years and hope to secure a few shows while I'm there... Are you reading this Dan Liberto???
Next Saturday on 9/11 I’ll be doing a show at the VFW in Ft. Benton, Montana… About 6.5hrs north of Idaho Falls… I can’t wait… The Ft. Benton militia will love what I have to say…
As Labor Day weekend draws to a close and American school children all across this wonderful country return to the classroom… I also have returned to the classroom… So in a show of solidarity with students everywhere and for those who fondly or not so fondly remember giving these reports… I have affectionately titled this column…
“How I Spent My Summer Vacation”
How I spent my summer vacation… On the first day of my summer vacation… I hung out… On the second day of my summer vacation… I hung out… Etc, etc, etc…
I’m not really sure what day of my summer vacation my wife finally said… “Hey, Einstein why don’t you look for a job!!!”
So this Beach Boy caught a wave and on August 30th of this seemingly Endless Summer found himself sitting in a classroom in Idaho Falls, ID… Not quite the top of the world, but at almost a mile above sea level, surrounded by even higher mountain ranges and fairly far north… Pretty damn close…
Not quite the Beverly Hillbillies… We had loaded up the car a week earlier and driven cross-country from Pultneyville, NY to Idaho Falls, ID… Including a stretch across Canada on the first leg of our trip… Intent, of course, to minimize our drive time through the scenic and aromatic wonder of Indiana…
Continuing west through South Dakota… And the South Dakota Badlands… Stopping for dinner the third day of our trip in Wall, SD and discovering… The right front wheel bearing shot and needing to be replaced… Necessitating a more than 2 day lay over in scenic Wall… Including missing a scheduled gig in Great Falls, MT on the way to Idaho Falls… One more day and I would have needed some Wall Drugs…
Not that our time in Wall was uneventful as we awaited repairs… Ever the city girl… My Long Island wife decided she would walk the three blocks from the hotel to the restaurant and back our last night in Wall, in high heels… Ever the fashion statement she is… They offered her little to no protection against the rattlesnake sunning himself in the afternoon sun in the middle of the sidewalk on our return to the hotel…
Grabbing her right arm and steering her across the street… We avoided a trip to Wall Drug for a snakebite kit…
After short stops for pictures at Mt. Rushmore and Devils Tower, Wyoming we put the pedal to the medal… Racing across Wyoming in time to brave the gravel pass through the Tetons in the dark and in the rain… Lest we need to spend another night short of our intended destination…
Arriving in Idaho Falls 1am Saturday morning we were up early enough to drive through town, do a drive by of the home we hope to purchase and to drop her off at the Idaho Falls Regional Airport to continue her well documented travel adventure…
Now at 54years old, I find myself sitting in a classroom for three months at the Idaho National Laboratory… Learning the basics for a new job at the Materials and fuels Complex of the INL… I am looking forward to the challenge…
An hour bus ride west from Idaho Falls… Idaho National Laboratory is a place of much nuclear energy history and my only regret is I wasn’t here more than twenty years ago to have been a part of some of it… But as they say on the history channel… “History is made everyday…”
Unfortunately, algebra and trigonometry is ancient history to me… Nutritionists have shown that if you eat Big Macs you’ll wake up one day with a McTumor… Math class at my age… Made my head feel like I was growing a mathtumor… The only equation I solved was Algebra + Trigonometry = Migraine…
And I hadn’t even figured out the calculator yet… This long weekend was a great way to end my first week back into this world… A Friday night stop for a sixpack helped heal some over worked brain cells…
Tuesday night after work I move into my studio apartment… It’ll be my home while waiting for my house in San Diego, California to sell and we purchase one here in Idaho Falls… So Eileen and my boys can join me here… Referring to herself as bi-coastal now… I’m just trying not to go bi-postal…
Until then, in a scene right out of The Jetson’s we stay in touch using “Skype” video phone… It’s pretty entertaining to watch the dogs try to figure out where I am when they hear my voice… But unfortunately, it’s against the rules to show some “ta-ta” using Skype…
My two long weekends a month I am filling with as much comedy work as possible… Especially while travel through the mountains is still snow free… We’ll see what the winter brings to this part of the country…
I will be home the last two weeks of December for Christmas and New Years and hope to secure a few shows while I'm there... Are you reading this Dan Liberto???
Next Saturday on 9/11 I’ll be doing a show at the VFW in Ft. Benton, Montana… About 6.5hrs north of Idaho Falls… I can’t wait… The Ft. Benton militia will love what I have to say…
Labor Pains...
Contractions started about 2am… Finally waking me from my slumber at 230am this morning… I am proud to announce I gave birth shortly there after and after cleaning up the after birth I offered a quiet God Bless America… Someday my child will rise from the depths of the Idaho Falls sewer system, where I’m sure he is now diligently pursuing a career as a union/community organizer…
He will attend a prominent law school and spend time teaching communism in a university classroom… Thereby never spending a day of his adult life holding a real job or doing an honest day of labor… Until one day he grows up to be President of the United States of America…
Disappointed though by never realizing his dream of becoming a sewer system witch doctor he will he will re-write the health care laws to ensure everyone gets sewer system healthcare while paying even more for it…
Having never worked a real day in his life he will ensure that even more Americans lose their jobs… He doesn’t work why should they… And while he asks them to ration shit paper… He and his wife will vacation at Martha’s Vineyard… As he flaps his jaws eating shrimp…
He will criss-cross the globe apologizing to every asshole in the shit holes of the world because America has softer toilet paper than they do… But never suggesting that maybe they should use the towels on their heads instead… Lest he offend their rag head covered ass’s…
God Bless America… I’ll have a hot dog and a beer today while I watch the ballgame... Maybe mixing in some pretzels for fiber... Before giving birth later tonight to his twin... I'm a goddamn proud American papa today...
He will attend a prominent law school and spend time teaching communism in a university classroom… Thereby never spending a day of his adult life holding a real job or doing an honest day of labor… Until one day he grows up to be President of the United States of America…
Disappointed though by never realizing his dream of becoming a sewer system witch doctor he will he will re-write the health care laws to ensure everyone gets sewer system healthcare while paying even more for it…
Having never worked a real day in his life he will ensure that even more Americans lose their jobs… He doesn’t work why should they… And while he asks them to ration shit paper… He and his wife will vacation at Martha’s Vineyard… As he flaps his jaws eating shrimp…
He will criss-cross the globe apologizing to every asshole in the shit holes of the world because America has softer toilet paper than they do… But never suggesting that maybe they should use the towels on their heads instead… Lest he offend their rag head covered ass’s…
God Bless America… I’ll have a hot dog and a beer today while I watch the ballgame... Maybe mixing in some pretzels for fiber... Before giving birth later tonight to his twin... I'm a goddamn proud American papa today...
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