As Time Goes By...

"Losers try their best.... Winners Fuck the Prom Queen!" Sean Connery-"The Rock"

16 months into a self-imposed exile to what amounts to the Comedy Siberia of Southeastern Idaho… Time for this comic having cut his comedy teeth up and down the east coast of America and across the mid-west to do some reality checks, assessments and make some course adjustments…

The comedy road work secured upon first arriving here for all intents and purposed has dried up now due to long distances between gigs, high gas prices and false hope in the promises of bookers dangling quality gigs for a willingness to take the shitty ones, too…

More than a year’s worth of additional writing and polishing of material that has yet to see the stage needs to find an outlet other than while standing in line at Wal-Mart… Thinking out loud like an asylum escapee…

A non-existent local comedy scene… Except for what is known among road comics who’ve been there as one of the shittiest places ever to perform… No love of the art form to be found or practiced there… A “Do your time… Get your check, then leave”, waste of your time venue… It’s only quality being 15minutes from my home… Last setting foot upon its stage this past September… I’ve promised myself… “Never again…”

If a real as we know it comedy scene is going to happen here… It’s going to be up to me to build it… Build it from a populace un-schooled in how to “enjoy” almost any kind of live performances from comedy to live music...

There is no concept that talking through it… Talking over it… Or shouting incoherent BS in the middle of it… Doesn’t make it easy for the few in the room trying to enjoy the performance to have a quality experience and it certainly doesn’t endear the audience to the performers working hard to practice their craft…

The search for venues willing to take a chance on a comedy night running a fowl of the language/indecency police of church people is a constant battle in a city almost devoid of nightlife… In what would be considered the Happy Hour time slot anywhere else in the country… Live music is featured most places from 7-9pm… Live music that plays later than 11pm even on the weekends can be difficult to find… After all people need to get up early for church…

Why are there so many families with 5-6kids here??? FUCK!!! There ain’t anything else to do!!!

But the battle continues and small victories are celebrated… And hopefully built upon… Saturday, January 14th @9pm Three Dog Comedy Productions will break the comedy cherry of a new venue JJs Saloon in “Historic” Downtown Idaho Falls… Just don’t ask me why Downtown Idaho Falls is “Historic”… I don’t have a clue… And I doubt many others do, either… I have some theories… But you’ll have to come to the show to hear them…

I’m happy to have finally found a venue willing to take a chance… Willing to listen and learn how to make a show successful… Quality shows don’t just happen, folks… The dynamics going into a great show are things the audience never sees… But overlooked bring failure… Sound, lighting, room set up… And numerous simple but important other things…

Promotion being an all-important facet also… I’m happy they have embraced it and I’m doing my best to assist via Facebook and email… Remembering of course one of the last shows I produced in Upstate NY to a more than half empty room…

Not a poster, sign or anything appearing on the walls, doors or rest room stalls… The venue, a marina and restaurant/bar, whose owner, shortly after his divorce for an affair with a 17yr old waitress, wanted to cut my pay due to the low turnout… No, that’s why we had a contract, dummy…

But that’s water under the marina dock as they say…

With JJs Saloon already asking about monthly and possibly weekly shows… Things are hopefully looking up… Though I may run some of them as open mics… My personal preference of instruction being a “Boot Camp” scenario… I’ll do my best to tame it down… No pushups for shitty jokes…

I think the best way to teach people how to act as an audience during a live performance just might be to give them a chance to be the performance…

Who knows it could be a small start to something big and who knows someday I just might be known as the “Godfather of Southeastern Idaho Comedy”…

The search for additional venues continues as my thirst for comedy road work remains unquenched… The search is expanding to reasonable driving distances in all directions… The hope being to build a run or two of one and two nighters back to back… Then maybe parlay a piece of that into additional road work from other bookers… Then again maybe not… I’m a GOPer… Elephants never forget…

I’m not sure I’ve said all the things I planned when I sat down to write this…. I’m sure I’ve said some things I hadn’t planned on saying… Though if I’ve said them, they were probably hidden in my not so sub-conscious, conscious and they needed to be said…

Things are looking up as we await the start of 2012 and hopefully more shows to be produced are on the horizon… It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, but I resolve now to do a better job of that as the New Year unfolds…

Hopefully you’ll all come along for the ride with me as… The 2012 Witness Protection – Comedy Breakout Tour causes Southeast Idaho and the surrounding area to soil their garments…

It’s time to “Fuck the Prom Queen!!!”

Random Thoughts of and During My Recent Hospital Stays…

Random Thoughts of and During My Recent Hospital Stays…

Written in no particular order… But guided by my own stream of unconsciousness…

Lots of old people at hospitals…

25yrs ago I was struck by the fact that all the doctors at the VA were old Korean War doctors who spoke bad English and was not impressed with the level of care…

Happy to report that it’s not your father’s VA any longer… The facilities, at least in Salt Lake City, are modern… The level of care is superb... The doctors and nurses are young…

Though that might just be ‘cuz I’m the old guy there now…

Heard the BS life story of an old, fat, hard of hearing, war hero in the room across the hall as he recounted it to the fellow sharing his room… I don’t think that guy was thrilled to having it yelled at him…

Didn’t have to share a room there or might have had to yell “SHUT the FUCK UP!!!”… Probably would have had to yell it more than once…

Shared my room only with my wife who faithfully spent long boring hours at my bedside, helping me in and out of bed and taking slow walks around the hallways with me…

I don’t know yet where this adventure ends… But when it does… I will go… Knowing that I’ve been honored with the true love of a wonderful woman… I’ll be the first to admit I may not have always appreciated it and certainly took it for granted at times… I’m sorry Sweetheart… Thank You…

Though sore and tired came home feeling pretty good for almost two weeks and looking forward to heading back to work, though with restrictions June 2…

That date is now in question as an emergency trip back to a local Idaho Falls hospital last Thursday night may not have totally resolved the problems that brought me there in the first place…

Released Friday night at midnight with explicit instructions, that upon any return of similar symptoms that I was to get my ass back there immediately… I have a strong feeling I may be back before the holiday weekend is over… Hell, maybe as soon as I finish this blog… Certainly by the time most of you read it… More on that later…

My first trip to the local hospital Thursday night…

Lots of old people at hospitals…

Looks like all private rooms… Damn near hotel stay level… WiFi… Nice…

Disappointed with the level of training the student nurses are receiving these days… Two ventured into my room and neither could explain to me the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer…

I’m not a doctor, but my guess is they don’t taste the same…

A reality check #1… Offered by a veteran nurse in the room at the time… “Think your job sucks??? Be glad you aren’t a rectal thermometer tester…”

Point taken…

Experienced the joy of alert and conscious placement of an NG Tube* to empty my stomach while in the Emergency Room Thursday night/Friday morning…

* Wikipedia…Nasogastric aspiration (suction) is the process of draining the stomach's contents via the tube. Nasogastric aspiration is mainly used to remove gastric secretions and swallowed air in patients with gastrointestinal obstructions… It can also be appended to a suction system however this method is often restricted to emergency situations…

Wear clean underwear... I can't guarantee it... With what's bothering me these last few days...

So never, never trust a fart... Especially an old one like me...

Much of my stomach contents I involuntarily emptied onto myself before suction could be applied to the tube… Not a pleasant experience…

Another veteran nurse shared that during his training they practiced placement of the tubes on each other…

Reality Check #2… Offered by yours truly… “Well, at least you weren’t practicing Prostrate Exams on each other.”

Point taken…

There are a lot of old people at hospitals…

The raisin in the next room made a naked breakout attempt… I fear I glimpsed my wife’s future…

I wonder now as I contemplate what may be another return trip to the hospital is this how it will end??? Tubes running in and out of various orifices… Just trying to be comfortable and catch some of the ballgame on mlb.com while slipping in and out of consciousness…

It doesn’t sound like the heroic and ball of flame exit I had planned to me… And I still need to record the DVD I want played on a loop on a flat screen above my casket… The keg will be in the corner and there’ll be a two drink minimum, of course… Maybe some of those attending will die laughing and come along on the journey with me…

Morbid???

I don’t think so… It’s just…

Reality Check #3… It is gonna happen to all of us… It is times like these that certainly drive the reality home… Only the real lucky ones get to pick the when and how…

We need to be ready…

I’m not sure how this current adventure of mine will end, but just in case God Bless all of you who have enjoyed the ride with me, the laughs, and the tears…

I’ve ridden submarines from both coasts to points all across the globe… And count many past shipmates as current friends… Performed standup all across the country and had a blast doing it… Performed in more than my share of po-dunks and big city “A” rooms, too… I’ve found the people in the po-dunks the most genuine and appreciative of the laughs… They are my people… I’ve made many more friends and unfortunately a few enemies also along the way… The “I only work ‘A’ rooms” attitude never sitting well with me… Those people weren't famous before, they aren't famous now... So listening to their bullshit wasn't going to make me famous any quicker...They aren’t the ones who are important now… They never were… The people in the po-dunks deserve to laugh, too…

To those I’ve pissed off… Well… Fuck Off you probably had it coming anyway… You’re not important enough now to warrant more than these few lines… Know that I will go with a part of me still laughing in derision at you and your self-importance… See you in hell…

My only thoughts now constantly returning to those I love the most… My wife, my dogs and the F-in’ cat… Yes, even the cat…

My thoughts and concerns now only on their provision and care… Getting things in order and hoping there proves to still be many more years… To make more friends and hopefully not to many more enemies… To get that DVD recorded and before I really need to worry about it playing above my casket…

Mornin' Wood, you like to come in???

'Twas the day after midnights, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, the cat caught the mouse;

The clothes were all hung on a chair,
In hopes that laundry day soon would be there;

Nestled we were, all snug in our bed,
While visions of cool breezes danced in our heads;

Me in my skivies,
but holy they weren't,
since Wal-Mart had a sale 3 pair for a five,
and Jack in his collar,
I awoke with a holler,
When out on the porch there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what the FUCK was the matter.

Away to the door I stumbled slowly,
Totally unready for the sight before me,
As I opened the door, what should appear,
But a miniature old lady with big blue hair,
With a sales pitch so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment see was looking at my "Rick",

So I said with a grin,
Mornin' Wood, you like to come in?

She said If you're sleeping, you should put up a sign.
I asked Are you blind?
It seems plain to me,
and says Private Property!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!
And don't come back in the fall,
Jehovah she witnessed,
But the wrath of God they'll see,
If they come back here at all,
I shut the door tightly,
and said DAMN I've got to pee.

How Do You Know???

John 11:48-50 (New International Version, ©2010)
48 If we let him go on like this, everyone will believe in him, and then the Romans will come and take away both our temple and our nation.”

49 Then one of them, named Caiaphas, who was high priest that year, spoke up, “You know nothing at all! 50 You do not realize that it is better for you that one man die for the people than that the whole nation perish.”

As the left rushes to pin responsibility for yesterday’s shooting in Arizona on Sarah Palin and the Tea Party… I thought I would present another possibility… It has as much credibility as any I have read from the left… Maybe more so…

Maybe, just maybe she was picked by the Democratic Party to be the one to die lest the whole Democratic Party perish…

As Oswald was a stooge for those plotting a bigger conspiracy…

This whack job was just the useful idiot they were looking for to spin a tragedy against those trying to take away their temple (The Capital Building and the White House) and nation…

And before you condemn me for floating this theory… Let me ask you… How can you be sure it’s not the case???

Composition Scatterings...

As I sort through the notes of joke and blog ideas scattered across my studio apartment, I realize they are just as scattered across my mind this cold and snowy day in Idaho Falls and have been for a while…

Some half baked ideas never cooked all the through… Some like cold turkey are leftovers waiting to be sandwiched between two new ideas… Some are twice baked notes scribbled on scraps of paper… Looking at the mess… I THINK I SHOULD TYPE THIS IN CAPS AS A TRIBUTE TO “THE BOB”…

Some ideas have already reached the end of their decay chain… While others scattering across my mind… Fission into new ideas…

It’s a snow day at the Idaho National Laboratory… So snow bound in my Idaho Falls apartment I’ll attempt to bring my thoughts under control… It will end either with something coherently readable or my mind as well as yours for reading it… Will vaporize into mushroom gravy you can serve on Thursday…

Finishing breakfast and a cup of coffee… I received the text this morning informing me the roads to lab had been closed just as I was about to head for my morning shower…

Remember snow days as a kid… we couldn’t wait to get outside to make a snow fort or to ride our sleds off the roof of the house… I did the adult thing today and U-turned back into bed…

But being older now also prevents me from being able to play “Pup Tent” all day long… Taking a look into the “mirror that lies… That couldn’t be me… It’s a gorilla disguised”… I knew despite having no where to go today… I couldn’t put the shower off any longer…

My studio apartment is no Playboy Mansion… My sweat clothes are no silk pajamas… But since I probably won’t be wearing anything but the sweat clothes I also sleep in all weekend long… I’m feeling a little like Hugh Hefner… But alas… I’ll be playing alone… Unlike a Catholic Priest somewhere who will be Play-ing with an altar Boy…

Shakespeare wrote of a “Mid-summer Night’s Dream”… I woke from a nap the last weekend in the middle of a “Nuclear Winter Nightmare” … Being an ex-submarine sailor… My cell phone ringer is set to a sonar ping… Stupid really… I still jump every time it goes off… But I digress…

Sound asleep… I’m awakened… In a scene straight from a black & white WWII submarine movie… Hot, sweaty, in need of a shave… By the familiar “PING”… Knowing I needed to react quickly… Yet eyes barely focusing in the dim gray light… Grabbing the phone and I attempt to tap out a Morse Code S.O.S. on a keyboard only big enough for the fingers of the “e-trade” baby… before it’s too late… But I get hit again “PING”… Knowing I really need to hurry now… It’s too late… the single “PINGS” for email and text message are too quickly followed by the “PING, PING, PING, PING, PING, PING…” of an incoming phone call… I’m left thinking whether to dive back down below the bed and rig for depth charges…

Mrs. Potato Head forgetting that no one can match the speed of her fingers on the keyboard had sent an email (“PING”) quickly followed by a text (“PING”)… Since I didn’t answer the email quick enough… And since I didn’t answer the text quick enough immediately followed that with the “PING, PING, PING, PING, PING…” of the incoming phone call…

Shell shocked and shaken… If it happens again… My cell might be “Running Silent and Deep” in the Snake River… A – ugha!!! A-ugha!!! Dive!!! Dive!!!

But the prospect of spending the Thanksgiving holiday alone has Mr. Potato Head missing his Sweet Potato even more… He can’t wait to get home for a piece of her sweet potato pie…

Looking forward to being his Ida-Ho Potato… He only has eyes for her… And he just loves to hear her say… “My Mr. Potato Head… What big eyes you have…”

Knowing of course the one she loves best is his “Dick Eye” … Just thinking about it gives Mr. Potato Head a “Wood-eye”…

Asked if would accept any invites to share Thanksgiving dinner somewhere… Mr. Potato Head declined… Stating the obvious… Then he’d have to social-eyes… When he’d much rather CAPITAL-EYES!!! That’s a little political humor thrown in there, just for you Ralph…

Mr. Potato Head will be returning to Rochester December 17th and he is considering all kinds of conceivable ways to make light of the new TSA security requirements… Although most of them would probably just get him mashed…

Since he has eyes on the back of his head though… He is thinking that he should be working for Homeland Security looking for terrorists… Yeah, Mohamed… I’ll be keepin’ an eye out for ya!!!

Mr. Potato Head will be home all day on Saturday December 18th, busy with travel preps… But if you are in the area… Scallop on over to say hello and get fried… Unfortunately, his new job prevents him from browning any hash…

Sunday December 19th, the Tater Tots will be visiting to celebrate an early Christmas and by Tuesday the 21st Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head and their three dogs should be in the RV and on the road back to Idaho…

A planned stopped sometime along the way in Denver to visit some of the other tots… And on to Idaho hopefully before New Years to plant some new roots…

Don’t roll your eyes at me… You liked know you liked it…

The 3 Phases of Matter

I know some of you might be thinking... “Oh shit… He wrote another shitty blog...” or “What’s the matter with him now” or “It really doesn’t matter”... To tell you the truth... Only one of those is one of the 3 phases of matter...

But luckily folks... It’s time for a chemistry class and an update on this Upstate New Yorker’s transition to life in Idaho Falls...

Earlier this week I mentioned that my new neighbors remarking upon my license plates could not believe I had moved from Neuva Jork to Idaho Falls... Well, no matter what they say... I still don’t believe they are “Canadian”, either...

I’ve said many times I’d be all for illegal immigration, if Juan Valdez would ride his ass over every morning to make coffee for me before I got up... Unfortunately, I’m usually left having to kick his ass for shitting on my lawn and my coffee tastes like it came from the Exxon Valdez...

That’s tough when days filled with math and chemistry classes have moved coffee to the top of the inverted food pyramid...

Up each day at 4am... Yes, I know that’s early, but I tell myself it’s really 6am Neuva Jork time... Coffee cup in hand I sit at my computer... Read some emails, check to see if World War III has started yet... And slowly let my mind and body awaken...

It’s slightly more than a two-block walk to catch the bus out to the site... Lunch cooler in one hand and backpack on my shoulder... I’m on the bus about 557am... An hour-ride on a dark bus... Unlike the school age bus rides filled with unruly and noisy children... The unwritten rule of no talking is religiously obeyed...

Taking my seat... I reach for the travel pillow stuffed into my backpack... Waking an hour later at my sagebrush desert oasis just as the sun is rising above the mountains to the east...

Sitting in math, chemistry and physics classes at my age is an interesting affair... I remember my high school classes and the age old questions, I’m sure teenagers are still asking today... “What do I need to learn this for???” and “When the hell am I ever going to need to use this information in real life???”

I sit there now astonished at how much the information in those classes explains life... Yes, maybe I should have paid better attention, way back then...

And I’m learning or relearning some new, interesting and hard to spell big words I’m going to have to try to work into my comedy routine...

Take “pyrophoric” for example... Even spell check doesn’t know what it is... The two examples it suggested instead of it were “prophetic” and “hydrophobic”... While I have already touched on the “prophetic” nature of high school chemistry class... It’s not an acceptable substitute and well... “hydrophobic” we’ll get to where that may fit into this discussion later...

You see “pyrophoric” is a word used to describe elements found in nature... Whose nature it is to spontaneously combust... Amazingly, describing the nature of my “pyrophoric” personality to... Spontaneously Combust!!!

Studying the Periodic Table of Elements... We learn that there are 92 naturally occurring elements in nature and that all things found in nature are a combination of these elements... Looking at the table of elements though we see there are 109 elements listed there...

Those above the “atomic number” of 92 are called “transuranic” elements and are man made...

I realize right about now you may be asking yourself... “Where the hell is this discussion going???”

Science is best explained in real life... So now that I’ve laid the ground work for your understanding... Let’s go back a few days for a real life example... Though many of you may say I don’t live a real life... I wish that what happened the other night was only science fiction... Unfortunately, it wasn’t... Only now though... I can explain it scientifically...

Sound asleep I was awoken from my dreams of stardom and starlits by a colon spinning like a cyclotron... Those are centrifuges, btw...

It quickly turned into a spiritual experience as I began running laps across my studio apartment from the bed to the toilet... Praying “Dear God, make it stop!!!”

Experiencing the “The Three Phases of Matter”... Solid, Liquid and Gas... First hand (Don’t worry I washed them) I happily thanked God I had never become a smoker... Any open flame then might have been deadly...

The Combined Gas Law relates the Pressure of a gas to the Volume and Temperature of the gas... Simply put there wasn’t enough Volume in my colon to hold back the Pressure... Warning: When playing with explosive gas at home... Be sure to use... Non-sparking tools... I feared for my ass and wished I had a toilet made of brass...

Like the Eveready Bunny I kept going and going... I’m not a veterinarian... But I think Eveready is wrong... I don’t think even bunnies go that much... Do they Katie???

We had learned about “fizzile material” and Pu... The “fizzile material” coming from my ass stank...

I had passed the Chemistry class, but now that wasn’t all I passed... “The Periodic Table of Elements” and the “Transuranic Elements”... I may have passed a few “Transurassic Elements” out of my ass...

Always aware of generating waste streams at work in an effort to minimize the amounts of industrial waste needing disposal... I was generating a pretty impressive waste stream...

As an ex volunteer fire fighter I had studied the four classes of fire...

Class “A” Fires – “Ash”.

Class “B” Fires – “Bottle”.

Class “C” Fires – “Current”.

Class “D” Fires – “Don’t Go Out!!!”

The current of flammable liquid flowing from my ass had left me with a fire that had no intention of going out... Far from being “hydrophobic” at that point and with no SCBA to wear while fighting the fire I jumped into the shower in an effort to put out the fire...

Almost three hours later with the fire finally out or at least reduced to a few soldering embers of ash... I now rushed to finish dressing and run for the bus...

Need exercise??? Run halfway to the bus stop... Before realizing you left your security badge and a few other necessary items sitting on your desk... Turn and run half way back... Before realizing one of the other necessary items left on your desk were the keys to your apartment...

Hunt down the apartment manager at 6am to get back into your apartment... Gather necessary items and turn to watch the bus pulling away...

Resigned to the fact the needed one hour nap on the bus had now been lost... I walked slowly to my car for the long drive in...

Industrial accidents are always analyzed for “Root Cause Analysis” to find the cause or reason for the accident... As the miles rolled away underneath me during the drive I analyzed my situation... What had been the cause???

Then I remembered... I had “Canadian” last week!!!

What A long Strange Trip My Life Continues to Be...

Travel log… Saturday September 18, 2010…

Lately it’s occurred to me what a long strange trip my life continues to be…

The last two weeks have afforded me some long hours alone in my car driving through some beautiful country… Idaho, Montana, Nevada and Washington State… Snow covered mountains and sagebrush high deserts… Windy river canyons and winding mountain roads…

Big sky country and the smell of pine trees in the clean Montana mountain air…

Time to be alone with my thoughts… A new job 2000 miles from home and at 54 yrs old… I’m back doing algebra and trigonometry… Next week we’ll throw some chemistry and reactor physics in there for good measure… It’s interesting and challenging…

It’s also given me an opportunity to perform in some interesting and historic places… Elko, NV this past Thursday… It’s roots to the Gold Rush days of the old west… The town was built by prospectors looking for an opportunity to work hard and make their fortune… Not people looking for a bailout, stimulus or free government healthcare… People there still work the mines…

Sagebrush covered high desert plains turned to fertile farmland during the homesteading days… Not by government intervention, but by hard working people wanting nothing more than to be given a chance to work hard and enjoy the fruits of their labor…

Yes, the argument can be made… The Homestead Act was a government program… A stimulus program if you will… It was a stimulus of opportunity for common people looking for the opportunity to work hard and enjoy the fruits of their labor…

The government gave 160 acres to each person over 21yrs of age requiring they farm at least 10 acres of the land… It wasn’t all wonderfully fertile and well-watered land… It was a hard life farmed with a horse drawn plow and watered with the sweat of a farmer’s brow…

It wasn’t a welfare program that doesn’t even require drug tests for those watering themselves at the government thorough… They were required to carve their existence out of that land…

No one was guaranteed success because they were too big to fail… And many, many of them did fail… It wasn’t a stimulus of fat cat bailouts and crony union buddies…

They lived in homes made of sod… Common God-fearing men and women yearning to work hard and live free… To raise their families as they saw fit…

But many of them also succeeded through their hard work in turning this land into land that feeds a good portion of the world now…

The people here are still strong, hard-working, independent-minded people… I am happy to be living and working among them and I’m looking forward to more opportunities to make them laugh…