As Time Goes By...

"Losers try their best.... Winners Fuck the Prom Queen!" Sean Connery-"The Rock"

16 months into a self-imposed exile to what amounts to the Comedy Siberia of Southeastern Idaho… Time for this comic having cut his comedy teeth up and down the east coast of America and across the mid-west to do some reality checks, assessments and make some course adjustments…

The comedy road work secured upon first arriving here for all intents and purposed has dried up now due to long distances between gigs, high gas prices and false hope in the promises of bookers dangling quality gigs for a willingness to take the shitty ones, too…

More than a year’s worth of additional writing and polishing of material that has yet to see the stage needs to find an outlet other than while standing in line at Wal-Mart… Thinking out loud like an asylum escapee…

A non-existent local comedy scene… Except for what is known among road comics who’ve been there as one of the shittiest places ever to perform… No love of the art form to be found or practiced there… A “Do your time… Get your check, then leave”, waste of your time venue… It’s only quality being 15minutes from my home… Last setting foot upon its stage this past September… I’ve promised myself… “Never again…”

If a real as we know it comedy scene is going to happen here… It’s going to be up to me to build it… Build it from a populace un-schooled in how to “enjoy” almost any kind of live performances from comedy to live music...

There is no concept that talking through it… Talking over it… Or shouting incoherent BS in the middle of it… Doesn’t make it easy for the few in the room trying to enjoy the performance to have a quality experience and it certainly doesn’t endear the audience to the performers working hard to practice their craft…

The search for venues willing to take a chance on a comedy night running a fowl of the language/indecency police of church people is a constant battle in a city almost devoid of nightlife… In what would be considered the Happy Hour time slot anywhere else in the country… Live music is featured most places from 7-9pm… Live music that plays later than 11pm even on the weekends can be difficult to find… After all people need to get up early for church…

Why are there so many families with 5-6kids here??? FUCK!!! There ain’t anything else to do!!!

But the battle continues and small victories are celebrated… And hopefully built upon… Saturday, January 14th @9pm Three Dog Comedy Productions will break the comedy cherry of a new venue JJs Saloon in “Historic” Downtown Idaho Falls… Just don’t ask me why Downtown Idaho Falls is “Historic”… I don’t have a clue… And I doubt many others do, either… I have some theories… But you’ll have to come to the show to hear them…

I’m happy to have finally found a venue willing to take a chance… Willing to listen and learn how to make a show successful… Quality shows don’t just happen, folks… The dynamics going into a great show are things the audience never sees… But overlooked bring failure… Sound, lighting, room set up… And numerous simple but important other things…

Promotion being an all-important facet also… I’m happy they have embraced it and I’m doing my best to assist via Facebook and email… Remembering of course one of the last shows I produced in Upstate NY to a more than half empty room…

Not a poster, sign or anything appearing on the walls, doors or rest room stalls… The venue, a marina and restaurant/bar, whose owner, shortly after his divorce for an affair with a 17yr old waitress, wanted to cut my pay due to the low turnout… No, that’s why we had a contract, dummy…

But that’s water under the marina dock as they say…

With JJs Saloon already asking about monthly and possibly weekly shows… Things are hopefully looking up… Though I may run some of them as open mics… My personal preference of instruction being a “Boot Camp” scenario… I’ll do my best to tame it down… No pushups for shitty jokes…

I think the best way to teach people how to act as an audience during a live performance just might be to give them a chance to be the performance…

Who knows it could be a small start to something big and who knows someday I just might be known as the “Godfather of Southeastern Idaho Comedy”…

The search for additional venues continues as my thirst for comedy road work remains unquenched… The search is expanding to reasonable driving distances in all directions… The hope being to build a run or two of one and two nighters back to back… Then maybe parlay a piece of that into additional road work from other bookers… Then again maybe not… I’m a GOPer… Elephants never forget…

I’m not sure I’ve said all the things I planned when I sat down to write this…. I’m sure I’ve said some things I hadn’t planned on saying… Though if I’ve said them, they were probably hidden in my not so sub-conscious, conscious and they needed to be said…

Things are looking up as we await the start of 2012 and hopefully more shows to be produced are on the horizon… It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, but I resolve now to do a better job of that as the New Year unfolds…

Hopefully you’ll all come along for the ride with me as… The 2012 Witness Protection – Comedy Breakout Tour causes Southeast Idaho and the surrounding area to soil their garments…

It’s time to “Fuck the Prom Queen!!!”

Random Thoughts of and During My Recent Hospital Stays…

Random Thoughts of and During My Recent Hospital Stays…

Written in no particular order… But guided by my own stream of unconsciousness…

Lots of old people at hospitals…

25yrs ago I was struck by the fact that all the doctors at the VA were old Korean War doctors who spoke bad English and was not impressed with the level of care…

Happy to report that it’s not your father’s VA any longer… The facilities, at least in Salt Lake City, are modern… The level of care is superb... The doctors and nurses are young…

Though that might just be ‘cuz I’m the old guy there now…

Heard the BS life story of an old, fat, hard of hearing, war hero in the room across the hall as he recounted it to the fellow sharing his room… I don’t think that guy was thrilled to having it yelled at him…

Didn’t have to share a room there or might have had to yell “SHUT the FUCK UP!!!”… Probably would have had to yell it more than once…

Shared my room only with my wife who faithfully spent long boring hours at my bedside, helping me in and out of bed and taking slow walks around the hallways with me…

I don’t know yet where this adventure ends… But when it does… I will go… Knowing that I’ve been honored with the true love of a wonderful woman… I’ll be the first to admit I may not have always appreciated it and certainly took it for granted at times… I’m sorry Sweetheart… Thank You…

Though sore and tired came home feeling pretty good for almost two weeks and looking forward to heading back to work, though with restrictions June 2…

That date is now in question as an emergency trip back to a local Idaho Falls hospital last Thursday night may not have totally resolved the problems that brought me there in the first place…

Released Friday night at midnight with explicit instructions, that upon any return of similar symptoms that I was to get my ass back there immediately… I have a strong feeling I may be back before the holiday weekend is over… Hell, maybe as soon as I finish this blog… Certainly by the time most of you read it… More on that later…

My first trip to the local hospital Thursday night…

Lots of old people at hospitals…

Looks like all private rooms… Damn near hotel stay level… WiFi… Nice…

Disappointed with the level of training the student nurses are receiving these days… Two ventured into my room and neither could explain to me the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer…

I’m not a doctor, but my guess is they don’t taste the same…

A reality check #1… Offered by a veteran nurse in the room at the time… “Think your job sucks??? Be glad you aren’t a rectal thermometer tester…”

Point taken…

Experienced the joy of alert and conscious placement of an NG Tube* to empty my stomach while in the Emergency Room Thursday night/Friday morning…

* Wikipedia…Nasogastric aspiration (suction) is the process of draining the stomach's contents via the tube. Nasogastric aspiration is mainly used to remove gastric secretions and swallowed air in patients with gastrointestinal obstructions… It can also be appended to a suction system however this method is often restricted to emergency situations…

Wear clean underwear... I can't guarantee it... With what's bothering me these last few days...

So never, never trust a fart... Especially an old one like me...

Much of my stomach contents I involuntarily emptied onto myself before suction could be applied to the tube… Not a pleasant experience…

Another veteran nurse shared that during his training they practiced placement of the tubes on each other…

Reality Check #2… Offered by yours truly… “Well, at least you weren’t practicing Prostrate Exams on each other.”

Point taken…

There are a lot of old people at hospitals…

The raisin in the next room made a naked breakout attempt… I fear I glimpsed my wife’s future…

I wonder now as I contemplate what may be another return trip to the hospital is this how it will end??? Tubes running in and out of various orifices… Just trying to be comfortable and catch some of the ballgame on mlb.com while slipping in and out of consciousness…

It doesn’t sound like the heroic and ball of flame exit I had planned to me… And I still need to record the DVD I want played on a loop on a flat screen above my casket… The keg will be in the corner and there’ll be a two drink minimum, of course… Maybe some of those attending will die laughing and come along on the journey with me…

Morbid???

I don’t think so… It’s just…

Reality Check #3… It is gonna happen to all of us… It is times like these that certainly drive the reality home… Only the real lucky ones get to pick the when and how…

We need to be ready…

I’m not sure how this current adventure of mine will end, but just in case God Bless all of you who have enjoyed the ride with me, the laughs, and the tears…

I’ve ridden submarines from both coasts to points all across the globe… And count many past shipmates as current friends… Performed standup all across the country and had a blast doing it… Performed in more than my share of po-dunks and big city “A” rooms, too… I’ve found the people in the po-dunks the most genuine and appreciative of the laughs… They are my people… I’ve made many more friends and unfortunately a few enemies also along the way… The “I only work ‘A’ rooms” attitude never sitting well with me… Those people weren't famous before, they aren't famous now... So listening to their bullshit wasn't going to make me famous any quicker...They aren’t the ones who are important now… They never were… The people in the po-dunks deserve to laugh, too…

To those I’ve pissed off… Well… Fuck Off you probably had it coming anyway… You’re not important enough now to warrant more than these few lines… Know that I will go with a part of me still laughing in derision at you and your self-importance… See you in hell…

My only thoughts now constantly returning to those I love the most… My wife, my dogs and the F-in’ cat… Yes, even the cat…

My thoughts and concerns now only on their provision and care… Getting things in order and hoping there proves to still be many more years… To make more friends and hopefully not to many more enemies… To get that DVD recorded and before I really need to worry about it playing above my casket…

Mornin' Wood, you like to come in???

'Twas the day after midnights, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, the cat caught the mouse;

The clothes were all hung on a chair,
In hopes that laundry day soon would be there;

Nestled we were, all snug in our bed,
While visions of cool breezes danced in our heads;

Me in my skivies,
but holy they weren't,
since Wal-Mart had a sale 3 pair for a five,
and Jack in his collar,
I awoke with a holler,
When out on the porch there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what the FUCK was the matter.

Away to the door I stumbled slowly,
Totally unready for the sight before me,
As I opened the door, what should appear,
But a miniature old lady with big blue hair,
With a sales pitch so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment see was looking at my "Rick",

So I said with a grin,
Mornin' Wood, you like to come in?

She said If you're sleeping, you should put up a sign.
I asked Are you blind?
It seems plain to me,
and says Private Property!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!
And don't come back in the fall,
Jehovah she witnessed,
But the wrath of God they'll see,
If they come back here at all,
I shut the door tightly,
and said DAMN I've got to pee.

How Do You Know???

John 11:48-50 (New International Version, ©2010)
48 If we let him go on like this, everyone will believe in him, and then the Romans will come and take away both our temple and our nation.”

49 Then one of them, named Caiaphas, who was high priest that year, spoke up, “You know nothing at all! 50 You do not realize that it is better for you that one man die for the people than that the whole nation perish.”

As the left rushes to pin responsibility for yesterday’s shooting in Arizona on Sarah Palin and the Tea Party… I thought I would present another possibility… It has as much credibility as any I have read from the left… Maybe more so…

Maybe, just maybe she was picked by the Democratic Party to be the one to die lest the whole Democratic Party perish…

As Oswald was a stooge for those plotting a bigger conspiracy…

This whack job was just the useful idiot they were looking for to spin a tragedy against those trying to take away their temple (The Capital Building and the White House) and nation…

And before you condemn me for floating this theory… Let me ask you… How can you be sure it’s not the case???