As I sort through the notes of joke and blog ideas scattered across my studio apartment, I realize they are just as scattered across my mind this cold and snowy day in Idaho Falls and have been for a while…
Some half baked ideas never cooked all the through… Some like cold turkey are leftovers waiting to be sandwiched between two new ideas… Some are twice baked notes scribbled on scraps of paper… Looking at the mess… I THINK I SHOULD TYPE THIS IN CAPS AS A TRIBUTE TO “THE BOB”…
Some ideas have already reached the end of their decay chain… While others scattering across my mind… Fission into new ideas…
It’s a snow day at the Idaho National Laboratory… So snow bound in my Idaho Falls apartment I’ll attempt to bring my thoughts under control… It will end either with something coherently readable or my mind as well as yours for reading it… Will vaporize into mushroom gravy you can serve on Thursday…
Finishing breakfast and a cup of coffee… I received the text this morning informing me the roads to lab had been closed just as I was about to head for my morning shower…
Remember snow days as a kid… we couldn’t wait to get outside to make a snow fort or to ride our sleds off the roof of the house… I did the adult thing today and U-turned back into bed…
But being older now also prevents me from being able to play “Pup Tent” all day long… Taking a look into the “mirror that lies… That couldn’t be me… It’s a gorilla disguised”… I knew despite having no where to go today… I couldn’t put the shower off any longer…
My studio apartment is no Playboy Mansion… My sweat clothes are no silk pajamas… But since I probably won’t be wearing anything but the sweat clothes I also sleep in all weekend long… I’m feeling a little like Hugh Hefner… But alas… I’ll be playing alone… Unlike a Catholic Priest somewhere who will be Play-ing with an altar Boy…
Shakespeare wrote of a “Mid-summer Night’s Dream”… I woke from a nap the last weekend in the middle of a “Nuclear Winter Nightmare” … Being an ex-submarine sailor… My cell phone ringer is set to a sonar ping… Stupid really… I still jump every time it goes off… But I digress…
Sound asleep… I’m awakened… In a scene straight from a black & white WWII submarine movie… Hot, sweaty, in need of a shave… By the familiar “PING”… Knowing I needed to react quickly… Yet eyes barely focusing in the dim gray light… Grabbing the phone and I attempt to tap out a Morse Code S.O.S. on a keyboard only big enough for the fingers of the “e-trade” baby… before it’s too late… But I get hit again “PING”… Knowing I really need to hurry now… It’s too late… the single “PINGS” for email and text message are too quickly followed by the “PING, PING, PING, PING, PING, PING…” of an incoming phone call… I’m left thinking whether to dive back down below the bed and rig for depth charges…
Mrs. Potato Head forgetting that no one can match the speed of her fingers on the keyboard had sent an email (“PING”) quickly followed by a text (“PING”)… Since I didn’t answer the email quick enough… And since I didn’t answer the text quick enough immediately followed that with the “PING, PING, PING, PING, PING…” of the incoming phone call…
Shell shocked and shaken… If it happens again… My cell might be “Running Silent and Deep” in the Snake River… A – ugha!!! A-ugha!!! Dive!!! Dive!!!
But the prospect of spending the Thanksgiving holiday alone has Mr. Potato Head missing his Sweet Potato even more… He can’t wait to get home for a piece of her sweet potato pie…
Looking forward to being his Ida-Ho Potato… He only has eyes for her… And he just loves to hear her say… “My Mr. Potato Head… What big eyes you have…”
Knowing of course the one she loves best is his “Dick Eye” … Just thinking about it gives Mr. Potato Head a “Wood-eye”…
Asked if would accept any invites to share Thanksgiving dinner somewhere… Mr. Potato Head declined… Stating the obvious… Then he’d have to social-eyes… When he’d much rather CAPITAL-EYES!!! That’s a little political humor thrown in there, just for you Ralph…
Mr. Potato Head will be returning to Rochester December 17th and he is considering all kinds of conceivable ways to make light of the new TSA security requirements… Although most of them would probably just get him mashed…
Since he has eyes on the back of his head though… He is thinking that he should be working for Homeland Security looking for terrorists… Yeah, Mohamed… I’ll be keepin’ an eye out for ya!!!
Mr. Potato Head will be home all day on Saturday December 18th, busy with travel preps… But if you are in the area… Scallop on over to say hello and get fried… Unfortunately, his new job prevents him from browning any hash…
Sunday December 19th, the Tater Tots will be visiting to celebrate an early Christmas and by Tuesday the 21st Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head and their three dogs should be in the RV and on the road back to Idaho…
A planned stopped sometime along the way in Denver to visit some of the other tots… And on to Idaho hopefully before New Years to plant some new roots…
Don’t roll your eyes at me… You liked know you liked it…
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
The 3 Phases of Matter
I know some of you might be thinking... “Oh shit… He wrote another shitty blog...” or “What’s the matter with him now” or “It really doesn’t matter”... To tell you the truth... Only one of those is one of the 3 phases of matter...
But luckily folks... It’s time for a chemistry class and an update on this Upstate New Yorker’s transition to life in Idaho Falls...
Earlier this week I mentioned that my new neighbors remarking upon my license plates could not believe I had moved from Neuva Jork to Idaho Falls... Well, no matter what they say... I still don’t believe they are “Canadian”, either...
I’ve said many times I’d be all for illegal immigration, if Juan Valdez would ride his ass over every morning to make coffee for me before I got up... Unfortunately, I’m usually left having to kick his ass for shitting on my lawn and my coffee tastes like it came from the Exxon Valdez...
That’s tough when days filled with math and chemistry classes have moved coffee to the top of the inverted food pyramid...
Up each day at 4am... Yes, I know that’s early, but I tell myself it’s really 6am Neuva Jork time... Coffee cup in hand I sit at my computer... Read some emails, check to see if World War III has started yet... And slowly let my mind and body awaken...
It’s slightly more than a two-block walk to catch the bus out to the site... Lunch cooler in one hand and backpack on my shoulder... I’m on the bus about 557am... An hour-ride on a dark bus... Unlike the school age bus rides filled with unruly and noisy children... The unwritten rule of no talking is religiously obeyed...
Taking my seat... I reach for the travel pillow stuffed into my backpack... Waking an hour later at my sagebrush desert oasis just as the sun is rising above the mountains to the east...
Sitting in math, chemistry and physics classes at my age is an interesting affair... I remember my high school classes and the age old questions, I’m sure teenagers are still asking today... “What do I need to learn this for???” and “When the hell am I ever going to need to use this information in real life???”
I sit there now astonished at how much the information in those classes explains life... Yes, maybe I should have paid better attention, way back then...
And I’m learning or relearning some new, interesting and hard to spell big words I’m going to have to try to work into my comedy routine...
Take “pyrophoric” for example... Even spell check doesn’t know what it is... The two examples it suggested instead of it were “prophetic” and “hydrophobic”... While I have already touched on the “prophetic” nature of high school chemistry class... It’s not an acceptable substitute and well... “hydrophobic” we’ll get to where that may fit into this discussion later...
You see “pyrophoric” is a word used to describe elements found in nature... Whose nature it is to spontaneously combust... Amazingly, describing the nature of my “pyrophoric” personality to... Spontaneously Combust!!!
Studying the Periodic Table of Elements... We learn that there are 92 naturally occurring elements in nature and that all things found in nature are a combination of these elements... Looking at the table of elements though we see there are 109 elements listed there...
Those above the “atomic number” of 92 are called “transuranic” elements and are man made...
I realize right about now you may be asking yourself... “Where the hell is this discussion going???”
Science is best explained in real life... So now that I’ve laid the ground work for your understanding... Let’s go back a few days for a real life example... Though many of you may say I don’t live a real life... I wish that what happened the other night was only science fiction... Unfortunately, it wasn’t... Only now though... I can explain it scientifically...
Sound asleep I was awoken from my dreams of stardom and starlits by a colon spinning like a cyclotron... Those are centrifuges, btw...
It quickly turned into a spiritual experience as I began running laps across my studio apartment from the bed to the toilet... Praying “Dear God, make it stop!!!”
Experiencing the “The Three Phases of Matter”... Solid, Liquid and Gas... First hand (Don’t worry I washed them) I happily thanked God I had never become a smoker... Any open flame then might have been deadly...
The Combined Gas Law relates the Pressure of a gas to the Volume and Temperature of the gas... Simply put there wasn’t enough Volume in my colon to hold back the Pressure... Warning: When playing with explosive gas at home... Be sure to use... Non-sparking tools... I feared for my ass and wished I had a toilet made of brass...
Like the Eveready Bunny I kept going and going... I’m not a veterinarian... But I think Eveready is wrong... I don’t think even bunnies go that much... Do they Katie???
We had learned about “fizzile material” and Pu... The “fizzile material” coming from my ass stank...
I had passed the Chemistry class, but now that wasn’t all I passed... “The Periodic Table of Elements” and the “Transuranic Elements”... I may have passed a few “Transurassic Elements” out of my ass...
Always aware of generating waste streams at work in an effort to minimize the amounts of industrial waste needing disposal... I was generating a pretty impressive waste stream...
As an ex volunteer fire fighter I had studied the four classes of fire...
Class “A” Fires – “Ash”.
Class “B” Fires – “Bottle”.
Class “C” Fires – “Current”.
Class “D” Fires – “Don’t Go Out!!!”
The current of flammable liquid flowing from my ass had left me with a fire that had no intention of going out... Far from being “hydrophobic” at that point and with no SCBA to wear while fighting the fire I jumped into the shower in an effort to put out the fire...
Almost three hours later with the fire finally out or at least reduced to a few soldering embers of ash... I now rushed to finish dressing and run for the bus...
Need exercise??? Run halfway to the bus stop... Before realizing you left your security badge and a few other necessary items sitting on your desk... Turn and run half way back... Before realizing one of the other necessary items left on your desk were the keys to your apartment...
Hunt down the apartment manager at 6am to get back into your apartment... Gather necessary items and turn to watch the bus pulling away...
Resigned to the fact the needed one hour nap on the bus had now been lost... I walked slowly to my car for the long drive in...
Industrial accidents are always analyzed for “Root Cause Analysis” to find the cause or reason for the accident... As the miles rolled away underneath me during the drive I analyzed my situation... What had been the cause???
Then I remembered... I had “Canadian” last week!!!
But luckily folks... It’s time for a chemistry class and an update on this Upstate New Yorker’s transition to life in Idaho Falls...
Earlier this week I mentioned that my new neighbors remarking upon my license plates could not believe I had moved from Neuva Jork to Idaho Falls... Well, no matter what they say... I still don’t believe they are “Canadian”, either...
I’ve said many times I’d be all for illegal immigration, if Juan Valdez would ride his ass over every morning to make coffee for me before I got up... Unfortunately, I’m usually left having to kick his ass for shitting on my lawn and my coffee tastes like it came from the Exxon Valdez...
That’s tough when days filled with math and chemistry classes have moved coffee to the top of the inverted food pyramid...
Up each day at 4am... Yes, I know that’s early, but I tell myself it’s really 6am Neuva Jork time... Coffee cup in hand I sit at my computer... Read some emails, check to see if World War III has started yet... And slowly let my mind and body awaken...
It’s slightly more than a two-block walk to catch the bus out to the site... Lunch cooler in one hand and backpack on my shoulder... I’m on the bus about 557am... An hour-ride on a dark bus... Unlike the school age bus rides filled with unruly and noisy children... The unwritten rule of no talking is religiously obeyed...
Taking my seat... I reach for the travel pillow stuffed into my backpack... Waking an hour later at my sagebrush desert oasis just as the sun is rising above the mountains to the east...
Sitting in math, chemistry and physics classes at my age is an interesting affair... I remember my high school classes and the age old questions, I’m sure teenagers are still asking today... “What do I need to learn this for???” and “When the hell am I ever going to need to use this information in real life???”
I sit there now astonished at how much the information in those classes explains life... Yes, maybe I should have paid better attention, way back then...
And I’m learning or relearning some new, interesting and hard to spell big words I’m going to have to try to work into my comedy routine...
Take “pyrophoric” for example... Even spell check doesn’t know what it is... The two examples it suggested instead of it were “prophetic” and “hydrophobic”... While I have already touched on the “prophetic” nature of high school chemistry class... It’s not an acceptable substitute and well... “hydrophobic” we’ll get to where that may fit into this discussion later...
You see “pyrophoric” is a word used to describe elements found in nature... Whose nature it is to spontaneously combust... Amazingly, describing the nature of my “pyrophoric” personality to... Spontaneously Combust!!!
Studying the Periodic Table of Elements... We learn that there are 92 naturally occurring elements in nature and that all things found in nature are a combination of these elements... Looking at the table of elements though we see there are 109 elements listed there...
Those above the “atomic number” of 92 are called “transuranic” elements and are man made...
I realize right about now you may be asking yourself... “Where the hell is this discussion going???”
Science is best explained in real life... So now that I’ve laid the ground work for your understanding... Let’s go back a few days for a real life example... Though many of you may say I don’t live a real life... I wish that what happened the other night was only science fiction... Unfortunately, it wasn’t... Only now though... I can explain it scientifically...
Sound asleep I was awoken from my dreams of stardom and starlits by a colon spinning like a cyclotron... Those are centrifuges, btw...
It quickly turned into a spiritual experience as I began running laps across my studio apartment from the bed to the toilet... Praying “Dear God, make it stop!!!”
Experiencing the “The Three Phases of Matter”... Solid, Liquid and Gas... First hand (Don’t worry I washed them) I happily thanked God I had never become a smoker... Any open flame then might have been deadly...
The Combined Gas Law relates the Pressure of a gas to the Volume and Temperature of the gas... Simply put there wasn’t enough Volume in my colon to hold back the Pressure... Warning: When playing with explosive gas at home... Be sure to use... Non-sparking tools... I feared for my ass and wished I had a toilet made of brass...
Like the Eveready Bunny I kept going and going... I’m not a veterinarian... But I think Eveready is wrong... I don’t think even bunnies go that much... Do they Katie???
We had learned about “fizzile material” and Pu... The “fizzile material” coming from my ass stank...
I had passed the Chemistry class, but now that wasn’t all I passed... “The Periodic Table of Elements” and the “Transuranic Elements”... I may have passed a few “Transurassic Elements” out of my ass...
Always aware of generating waste streams at work in an effort to minimize the amounts of industrial waste needing disposal... I was generating a pretty impressive waste stream...
As an ex volunteer fire fighter I had studied the four classes of fire...
Class “A” Fires – “Ash”.
Class “B” Fires – “Bottle”.
Class “C” Fires – “Current”.
Class “D” Fires – “Don’t Go Out!!!”
The current of flammable liquid flowing from my ass had left me with a fire that had no intention of going out... Far from being “hydrophobic” at that point and with no SCBA to wear while fighting the fire I jumped into the shower in an effort to put out the fire...
Almost three hours later with the fire finally out or at least reduced to a few soldering embers of ash... I now rushed to finish dressing and run for the bus...
Need exercise??? Run halfway to the bus stop... Before realizing you left your security badge and a few other necessary items sitting on your desk... Turn and run half way back... Before realizing one of the other necessary items left on your desk were the keys to your apartment...
Hunt down the apartment manager at 6am to get back into your apartment... Gather necessary items and turn to watch the bus pulling away...
Resigned to the fact the needed one hour nap on the bus had now been lost... I walked slowly to my car for the long drive in...
Industrial accidents are always analyzed for “Root Cause Analysis” to find the cause or reason for the accident... As the miles rolled away underneath me during the drive I analyzed my situation... What had been the cause???
Then I remembered... I had “Canadian” last week!!!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
What A long Strange Trip My Life Continues to Be...
Travel log… Saturday September 18, 2010…
Lately it’s occurred to me what a long strange trip my life continues to be…
The last two weeks have afforded me some long hours alone in my car driving through some beautiful country… Idaho, Montana, Nevada and Washington State… Snow covered mountains and sagebrush high deserts… Windy river canyons and winding mountain roads…
Big sky country and the smell of pine trees in the clean Montana mountain air…
Time to be alone with my thoughts… A new job 2000 miles from home and at 54 yrs old… I’m back doing algebra and trigonometry… Next week we’ll throw some chemistry and reactor physics in there for good measure… It’s interesting and challenging…
It’s also given me an opportunity to perform in some interesting and historic places… Elko, NV this past Thursday… It’s roots to the Gold Rush days of the old west… The town was built by prospectors looking for an opportunity to work hard and make their fortune… Not people looking for a bailout, stimulus or free government healthcare… People there still work the mines…
Sagebrush covered high desert plains turned to fertile farmland during the homesteading days… Not by government intervention, but by hard working people wanting nothing more than to be given a chance to work hard and enjoy the fruits of their labor…
Yes, the argument can be made… The Homestead Act was a government program… A stimulus program if you will… It was a stimulus of opportunity for common people looking for the opportunity to work hard and enjoy the fruits of their labor…
The government gave 160 acres to each person over 21yrs of age requiring they farm at least 10 acres of the land… It wasn’t all wonderfully fertile and well-watered land… It was a hard life farmed with a horse drawn plow and watered with the sweat of a farmer’s brow…
It wasn’t a welfare program that doesn’t even require drug tests for those watering themselves at the government thorough… They were required to carve their existence out of that land…
No one was guaranteed success because they were too big to fail… And many, many of them did fail… It wasn’t a stimulus of fat cat bailouts and crony union buddies…
They lived in homes made of sod… Common God-fearing men and women yearning to work hard and live free… To raise their families as they saw fit…
But many of them also succeeded through their hard work in turning this land into land that feeds a good portion of the world now…
The people here are still strong, hard-working, independent-minded people… I am happy to be living and working among them and I’m looking forward to more opportunities to make them laugh…
Lately it’s occurred to me what a long strange trip my life continues to be…
The last two weeks have afforded me some long hours alone in my car driving through some beautiful country… Idaho, Montana, Nevada and Washington State… Snow covered mountains and sagebrush high deserts… Windy river canyons and winding mountain roads…
Big sky country and the smell of pine trees in the clean Montana mountain air…
Time to be alone with my thoughts… A new job 2000 miles from home and at 54 yrs old… I’m back doing algebra and trigonometry… Next week we’ll throw some chemistry and reactor physics in there for good measure… It’s interesting and challenging…
It’s also given me an opportunity to perform in some interesting and historic places… Elko, NV this past Thursday… It’s roots to the Gold Rush days of the old west… The town was built by prospectors looking for an opportunity to work hard and make their fortune… Not people looking for a bailout, stimulus or free government healthcare… People there still work the mines…
Sagebrush covered high desert plains turned to fertile farmland during the homesteading days… Not by government intervention, but by hard working people wanting nothing more than to be given a chance to work hard and enjoy the fruits of their labor…
Yes, the argument can be made… The Homestead Act was a government program… A stimulus program if you will… It was a stimulus of opportunity for common people looking for the opportunity to work hard and enjoy the fruits of their labor…
The government gave 160 acres to each person over 21yrs of age requiring they farm at least 10 acres of the land… It wasn’t all wonderfully fertile and well-watered land… It was a hard life farmed with a horse drawn plow and watered with the sweat of a farmer’s brow…
It wasn’t a welfare program that doesn’t even require drug tests for those watering themselves at the government thorough… They were required to carve their existence out of that land…
No one was guaranteed success because they were too big to fail… And many, many of them did fail… It wasn’t a stimulus of fat cat bailouts and crony union buddies…
They lived in homes made of sod… Common God-fearing men and women yearning to work hard and live free… To raise their families as they saw fit…
But many of them also succeeded through their hard work in turning this land into land that feeds a good portion of the world now…
The people here are still strong, hard-working, independent-minded people… I am happy to be living and working among them and I’m looking forward to more opportunities to make them laugh…
Monday, September 6, 2010
How I Spent My Summer Vacation...
With the battle against writers block at least temporarily won… I sit at my keyboard… Fingertips hunting and pecking away… I’m pickin’ ‘em up and puttin’ ‘em down as fast as I can…
As Labor Day weekend draws to a close and American school children all across this wonderful country return to the classroom… I also have returned to the classroom… So in a show of solidarity with students everywhere and for those who fondly or not so fondly remember giving these reports… I have affectionately titled this column…
“How I Spent My Summer Vacation”
How I spent my summer vacation… On the first day of my summer vacation… I hung out… On the second day of my summer vacation… I hung out… Etc, etc, etc…
I’m not really sure what day of my summer vacation my wife finally said… “Hey, Einstein why don’t you look for a job!!!”
So this Beach Boy caught a wave and on August 30th of this seemingly Endless Summer found himself sitting in a classroom in Idaho Falls, ID… Not quite the top of the world, but at almost a mile above sea level, surrounded by even higher mountain ranges and fairly far north… Pretty damn close…
Not quite the Beverly Hillbillies… We had loaded up the car a week earlier and driven cross-country from Pultneyville, NY to Idaho Falls, ID… Including a stretch across Canada on the first leg of our trip… Intent, of course, to minimize our drive time through the scenic and aromatic wonder of Indiana…
Continuing west through South Dakota… And the South Dakota Badlands… Stopping for dinner the third day of our trip in Wall, SD and discovering… The right front wheel bearing shot and needing to be replaced… Necessitating a more than 2 day lay over in scenic Wall… Including missing a scheduled gig in Great Falls, MT on the way to Idaho Falls… One more day and I would have needed some Wall Drugs…
Not that our time in Wall was uneventful as we awaited repairs… Ever the city girl… My Long Island wife decided she would walk the three blocks from the hotel to the restaurant and back our last night in Wall, in high heels… Ever the fashion statement she is… They offered her little to no protection against the rattlesnake sunning himself in the afternoon sun in the middle of the sidewalk on our return to the hotel…
Grabbing her right arm and steering her across the street… We avoided a trip to Wall Drug for a snakebite kit…
After short stops for pictures at Mt. Rushmore and Devils Tower, Wyoming we put the pedal to the medal… Racing across Wyoming in time to brave the gravel pass through the Tetons in the dark and in the rain… Lest we need to spend another night short of our intended destination…
Arriving in Idaho Falls 1am Saturday morning we were up early enough to drive through town, do a drive by of the home we hope to purchase and to drop her off at the Idaho Falls Regional Airport to continue her well documented travel adventure…
Now at 54years old, I find myself sitting in a classroom for three months at the Idaho National Laboratory… Learning the basics for a new job at the Materials and fuels Complex of the INL… I am looking forward to the challenge…
An hour bus ride west from Idaho Falls… Idaho National Laboratory is a place of much nuclear energy history and my only regret is I wasn’t here more than twenty years ago to have been a part of some of it… But as they say on the history channel… “History is made everyday…”
Unfortunately, algebra and trigonometry is ancient history to me… Nutritionists have shown that if you eat Big Macs you’ll wake up one day with a McTumor… Math class at my age… Made my head feel like I was growing a mathtumor… The only equation I solved was Algebra + Trigonometry = Migraine…
And I hadn’t even figured out the calculator yet… This long weekend was a great way to end my first week back into this world… A Friday night stop for a sixpack helped heal some over worked brain cells…
Tuesday night after work I move into my studio apartment… It’ll be my home while waiting for my house in San Diego, California to sell and we purchase one here in Idaho Falls… So Eileen and my boys can join me here… Referring to herself as bi-coastal now… I’m just trying not to go bi-postal…
Until then, in a scene right out of The Jetson’s we stay in touch using “Skype” video phone… It’s pretty entertaining to watch the dogs try to figure out where I am when they hear my voice… But unfortunately, it’s against the rules to show some “ta-ta” using Skype…
My two long weekends a month I am filling with as much comedy work as possible… Especially while travel through the mountains is still snow free… We’ll see what the winter brings to this part of the country…
I will be home the last two weeks of December for Christmas and New Years and hope to secure a few shows while I'm there... Are you reading this Dan Liberto???
Next Saturday on 9/11 I’ll be doing a show at the VFW in Ft. Benton, Montana… About 6.5hrs north of Idaho Falls… I can’t wait… The Ft. Benton militia will love what I have to say…
As Labor Day weekend draws to a close and American school children all across this wonderful country return to the classroom… I also have returned to the classroom… So in a show of solidarity with students everywhere and for those who fondly or not so fondly remember giving these reports… I have affectionately titled this column…
“How I Spent My Summer Vacation”
How I spent my summer vacation… On the first day of my summer vacation… I hung out… On the second day of my summer vacation… I hung out… Etc, etc, etc…
I’m not really sure what day of my summer vacation my wife finally said… “Hey, Einstein why don’t you look for a job!!!”
So this Beach Boy caught a wave and on August 30th of this seemingly Endless Summer found himself sitting in a classroom in Idaho Falls, ID… Not quite the top of the world, but at almost a mile above sea level, surrounded by even higher mountain ranges and fairly far north… Pretty damn close…
Not quite the Beverly Hillbillies… We had loaded up the car a week earlier and driven cross-country from Pultneyville, NY to Idaho Falls, ID… Including a stretch across Canada on the first leg of our trip… Intent, of course, to minimize our drive time through the scenic and aromatic wonder of Indiana…
Continuing west through South Dakota… And the South Dakota Badlands… Stopping for dinner the third day of our trip in Wall, SD and discovering… The right front wheel bearing shot and needing to be replaced… Necessitating a more than 2 day lay over in scenic Wall… Including missing a scheduled gig in Great Falls, MT on the way to Idaho Falls… One more day and I would have needed some Wall Drugs…
Not that our time in Wall was uneventful as we awaited repairs… Ever the city girl… My Long Island wife decided she would walk the three blocks from the hotel to the restaurant and back our last night in Wall, in high heels… Ever the fashion statement she is… They offered her little to no protection against the rattlesnake sunning himself in the afternoon sun in the middle of the sidewalk on our return to the hotel…
Grabbing her right arm and steering her across the street… We avoided a trip to Wall Drug for a snakebite kit…
After short stops for pictures at Mt. Rushmore and Devils Tower, Wyoming we put the pedal to the medal… Racing across Wyoming in time to brave the gravel pass through the Tetons in the dark and in the rain… Lest we need to spend another night short of our intended destination…
Arriving in Idaho Falls 1am Saturday morning we were up early enough to drive through town, do a drive by of the home we hope to purchase and to drop her off at the Idaho Falls Regional Airport to continue her well documented travel adventure…
Now at 54years old, I find myself sitting in a classroom for three months at the Idaho National Laboratory… Learning the basics for a new job at the Materials and fuels Complex of the INL… I am looking forward to the challenge…
An hour bus ride west from Idaho Falls… Idaho National Laboratory is a place of much nuclear energy history and my only regret is I wasn’t here more than twenty years ago to have been a part of some of it… But as they say on the history channel… “History is made everyday…”
Unfortunately, algebra and trigonometry is ancient history to me… Nutritionists have shown that if you eat Big Macs you’ll wake up one day with a McTumor… Math class at my age… Made my head feel like I was growing a mathtumor… The only equation I solved was Algebra + Trigonometry = Migraine…
And I hadn’t even figured out the calculator yet… This long weekend was a great way to end my first week back into this world… A Friday night stop for a sixpack helped heal some over worked brain cells…
Tuesday night after work I move into my studio apartment… It’ll be my home while waiting for my house in San Diego, California to sell and we purchase one here in Idaho Falls… So Eileen and my boys can join me here… Referring to herself as bi-coastal now… I’m just trying not to go bi-postal…
Until then, in a scene right out of The Jetson’s we stay in touch using “Skype” video phone… It’s pretty entertaining to watch the dogs try to figure out where I am when they hear my voice… But unfortunately, it’s against the rules to show some “ta-ta” using Skype…
My two long weekends a month I am filling with as much comedy work as possible… Especially while travel through the mountains is still snow free… We’ll see what the winter brings to this part of the country…
I will be home the last two weeks of December for Christmas and New Years and hope to secure a few shows while I'm there... Are you reading this Dan Liberto???
Next Saturday on 9/11 I’ll be doing a show at the VFW in Ft. Benton, Montana… About 6.5hrs north of Idaho Falls… I can’t wait… The Ft. Benton militia will love what I have to say…
Labor Pains...
Contractions started about 2am… Finally waking me from my slumber at 230am this morning… I am proud to announce I gave birth shortly there after and after cleaning up the after birth I offered a quiet God Bless America… Someday my child will rise from the depths of the Idaho Falls sewer system, where I’m sure he is now diligently pursuing a career as a union/community organizer…
He will attend a prominent law school and spend time teaching communism in a university classroom… Thereby never spending a day of his adult life holding a real job or doing an honest day of labor… Until one day he grows up to be President of the United States of America…
Disappointed though by never realizing his dream of becoming a sewer system witch doctor he will he will re-write the health care laws to ensure everyone gets sewer system healthcare while paying even more for it…
Having never worked a real day in his life he will ensure that even more Americans lose their jobs… He doesn’t work why should they… And while he asks them to ration shit paper… He and his wife will vacation at Martha’s Vineyard… As he flaps his jaws eating shrimp…
He will criss-cross the globe apologizing to every asshole in the shit holes of the world because America has softer toilet paper than they do… But never suggesting that maybe they should use the towels on their heads instead… Lest he offend their rag head covered ass’s…
God Bless America… I’ll have a hot dog and a beer today while I watch the ballgame... Maybe mixing in some pretzels for fiber... Before giving birth later tonight to his twin... I'm a goddamn proud American papa today...
He will attend a prominent law school and spend time teaching communism in a university classroom… Thereby never spending a day of his adult life holding a real job or doing an honest day of labor… Until one day he grows up to be President of the United States of America…
Disappointed though by never realizing his dream of becoming a sewer system witch doctor he will he will re-write the health care laws to ensure everyone gets sewer system healthcare while paying even more for it…
Having never worked a real day in his life he will ensure that even more Americans lose their jobs… He doesn’t work why should they… And while he asks them to ration shit paper… He and his wife will vacation at Martha’s Vineyard… As he flaps his jaws eating shrimp…
He will criss-cross the globe apologizing to every asshole in the shit holes of the world because America has softer toilet paper than they do… But never suggesting that maybe they should use the towels on their heads instead… Lest he offend their rag head covered ass’s…
God Bless America… I’ll have a hot dog and a beer today while I watch the ballgame... Maybe mixing in some pretzels for fiber... Before giving birth later tonight to his twin... I'm a goddamn proud American papa today...
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Shit Hole Stink Indiana
In another episode of Road Comic vs The Road... I’ll be the first to admit The Road won this last round... I was tired, hot, confused and ornery most of the trip... But losing a round, isn’t the same as losing the war...
Some of you may know that I am in the process of relocating to Idaho Falls, for a nuclear job at the Idaho National Laboratory... While I have some mixed feelings about such a distant move... I realized one benefit this past weekend...
Never again will I need to drive through the shit hole I-90 corridor of northern Indiana... I cannot believe they have the balls to charge people tolls to drive through there...
Though there may be some positives about the drive... ie… You can pay tolls using a credit or debit card... The machine is so slow the traffic gets backed up when only one lane is open... While a good idea... Could it be possible that the people smart enough to make change have already gotten the hell out of northern Indiana??? Thus necessitating the need for said machine???
And what are the tolls being used for??? Most of the road is in shit hole condition... Yes, there are numerous rest stops not very far apart... A seeming convience... But the tolls don't seem to be used to hire anyone to empty the overflowing trash barrels outside each rest stop or to pick up the trash blowing through the parking areas...
And they certainly aren't being used to hire anyone to clean the shit hole, filthy, smelly rest rooms at each and every stop...
Instead they are staffed with oversexed hormonal teenagers who are too busy trying to convince their pimple faced teenage girlfriends to “take a load ‘cuz it's good for their complexion" than trying to do their job...
Note to the McDonald's and Hardy's workers at said rest stops... Do you think the condition of those rest rooms doesn't affect your sales???
When I stop, I like most people, use the rest room first... I certainly wasn't headed your way for food after visiting your rest rooms...
Yes, I’m not even there yet and the fresh air of the great northwest never smelled so sweet... Now that I'll never again have to visit the shit hole stink of I-90 Indiana...
Some of you may know that I am in the process of relocating to Idaho Falls, for a nuclear job at the Idaho National Laboratory... While I have some mixed feelings about such a distant move... I realized one benefit this past weekend...
Never again will I need to drive through the shit hole I-90 corridor of northern Indiana... I cannot believe they have the balls to charge people tolls to drive through there...
Though there may be some positives about the drive... ie… You can pay tolls using a credit or debit card... The machine is so slow the traffic gets backed up when only one lane is open... While a good idea... Could it be possible that the people smart enough to make change have already gotten the hell out of northern Indiana??? Thus necessitating the need for said machine???
And what are the tolls being used for??? Most of the road is in shit hole condition... Yes, there are numerous rest stops not very far apart... A seeming convience... But the tolls don't seem to be used to hire anyone to empty the overflowing trash barrels outside each rest stop or to pick up the trash blowing through the parking areas...
And they certainly aren't being used to hire anyone to clean the shit hole, filthy, smelly rest rooms at each and every stop...
Instead they are staffed with oversexed hormonal teenagers who are too busy trying to convince their pimple faced teenage girlfriends to “take a load ‘cuz it's good for their complexion" than trying to do their job...
Note to the McDonald's and Hardy's workers at said rest stops... Do you think the condition of those rest rooms doesn't affect your sales???
When I stop, I like most people, use the rest room first... I certainly wasn't headed your way for food after visiting your rest rooms...
Yes, I’m not even there yet and the fresh air of the great northwest never smelled so sweet... Now that I'll never again have to visit the shit hole stink of I-90 Indiana...
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The Anointing...
When we last left this story...
After finally attributing Eileen’s premonition of being meant to follow Route 21 north through Palmyra, NY for a reason to the “Anal Bong” jokes (If that’s what some people insisted on calling them) that we had been subjected to early that stormy night...
There in the middle of a deserted road, illuminated by a great flash of lightening Steve and Eileen now stood in the pouring rain holding strange tablets of ancient text...
A bright shaft of light like a spotlight from heaven shined upon three spirits now facing them in the road... Great torrents of rain continued to fall as the spirits of comedy gods Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison and George Carlin appeared to the weary and wet travelers...
Explaining that they held in their hands... The (Comedy) Book of (for) Moron(s)
They were to spread the “gospel” of good comedy... To comedy morons across the country... Told by the spirit of Carlin they were chosen by the anointing they had received by his High Priest of Comedy Ralph Tetta...
As graduates of the Tetta School of Comedy they had been anointed in strict Old Testament fashion... Just as the Old Testament High Priests dipped Hyssop into Holy Water to sprinkle those worshipping in the Temple...
Graduates of the Tetta School of Comedy, were anointed by the High Priest himself... As High Priest Tetta dipped Basil leaves into Holy Marinara Sauce to sprinkle upon his students the "Red Badge of Stage Courage" and pronounce them ready to follow their comedic dreams...
Next Opening The Ancient Text...
...To be continued
After finally attributing Eileen’s premonition of being meant to follow Route 21 north through Palmyra, NY for a reason to the “Anal Bong” jokes (If that’s what some people insisted on calling them) that we had been subjected to early that stormy night...
There in the middle of a deserted road, illuminated by a great flash of lightening Steve and Eileen now stood in the pouring rain holding strange tablets of ancient text...
A bright shaft of light like a spotlight from heaven shined upon three spirits now facing them in the road... Great torrents of rain continued to fall as the spirits of comedy gods Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison and George Carlin appeared to the weary and wet travelers...
Explaining that they held in their hands... The (Comedy) Book of (for) Moron(s)
They were to spread the “gospel” of good comedy... To comedy morons across the country... Told by the spirit of Carlin they were chosen by the anointing they had received by his High Priest of Comedy Ralph Tetta...
As graduates of the Tetta School of Comedy they had been anointed in strict Old Testament fashion... Just as the Old Testament High Priests dipped Hyssop into Holy Water to sprinkle those worshipping in the Temple...
Graduates of the Tetta School of Comedy, were anointed by the High Priest himself... As High Priest Tetta dipped Basil leaves into Holy Marinara Sauce to sprinkle upon his students the "Red Badge of Stage Courage" and pronounce them ready to follow their comedic dreams...
Next Opening The Ancient Text...
...To be continued
Saturday, July 24, 2010
'Twas a Dark and Stormy Night
Missing our NYS Thruway exit at Route 14 in last night’s rain storm... I angrily continued on to the Route 21 exit...
As Eileen made a seemingly inane comment about things happening for a reason and that we must be meant to take Route 21 north home to Pultneyville... I chalked it up to various reasons... The late hour... The long and harrowing drive home through the storm… The humidity... The fried bar food we had called dinner... Take your pick...
Leaving the toll booth and turning north onto Route 21 and following the signs towards Palmyra, NY... The sense of the inevitable filled the car... Rain continued to pour down, hydro-blasting the windshield of bugs and road tar as the wind buffeted the car I struggled to keep it on the dark road... Illuminated only by the great bolts of lightening crashing all around us...
Rounding a bend in perfect sequence with a lightening strike... We saw the reason we were meant to take Route 21 north home through Palmyra through the rain driven glare of our headlights...
Coming to a stop on the now dark and deserted road... Jumping from the car and we both ran ahead in the road... There in there middle of the road were several tablets...
...To be continued
As Eileen made a seemingly inane comment about things happening for a reason and that we must be meant to take Route 21 north home to Pultneyville... I chalked it up to various reasons... The late hour... The long and harrowing drive home through the storm… The humidity... The fried bar food we had called dinner... Take your pick...
Leaving the toll booth and turning north onto Route 21 and following the signs towards Palmyra, NY... The sense of the inevitable filled the car... Rain continued to pour down, hydro-blasting the windshield of bugs and road tar as the wind buffeted the car I struggled to keep it on the dark road... Illuminated only by the great bolts of lightening crashing all around us...
Rounding a bend in perfect sequence with a lightening strike... We saw the reason we were meant to take Route 21 north home through Palmyra through the rain driven glare of our headlights...
Coming to a stop on the now dark and deserted road... Jumping from the car and we both ran ahead in the road... There in there middle of the road were several tablets...
...To be continued
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Road Rash...
Leaving the house Tuesday evening for my drive west and another leg of my mid-west tour… Pulled into a rest stop on the western edge of Ohio approximately 1am intent on using the facilities and “resting my eyes” for an hour or so… Waking up in the front seat of my car 6hrs later with no clue where the fuck I was… I guess I needed to do just a little more than “rest my eyes…
I really like performing in the Midwest… It would be even better if I didn’t have to drive through Indiana to get there and back… I need to get some Sirius Radio… Locating nothing but country music on my way west…
As Alabama sang, “Play me some mountain music”… I thought sure… First tell me where the fuck, there are any mountains in INDIANA!!! Come to think of it where the fuck, are there mountains in Ala-fucking-bama… But I digress… I think the highway on and off ramps qualify as ski slopes in Indiana…
Best of all they charge you to drive through that state… What are they charging for, the scenery??? Although I will say the farms in eastern Indiana certainly looked like a safer place to be than Gary…
The license plates in Indiana say “In God We Trust”… You get off the highway in Gary… You better be prepared to trust a Colt ‘45 and I ain’t talkin’ about malt liquor…
The farms smelled a little bit better than Gary, too…
Saw a billboard in Illinois… “Report Corruption”… TO WHO??? IT’S ILLINOIS!!!!
I think they just want to know who the complainers are so they can show up to burn their fuckin’ house down… “Report Corruption”… Yeah, right…
Had a good show last night… Heading to LaCrosse, Wisconsin this morning with a stop to do a radio interview for the Friday and Saturday shows in Dubuque, Iowa…
Ok, that’s all for now folks… The Road Rash has been itched…
I really like performing in the Midwest… It would be even better if I didn’t have to drive through Indiana to get there and back… I need to get some Sirius Radio… Locating nothing but country music on my way west…
As Alabama sang, “Play me some mountain music”… I thought sure… First tell me where the fuck, there are any mountains in INDIANA!!! Come to think of it where the fuck, are there mountains in Ala-fucking-bama… But I digress… I think the highway on and off ramps qualify as ski slopes in Indiana…
Best of all they charge you to drive through that state… What are they charging for, the scenery??? Although I will say the farms in eastern Indiana certainly looked like a safer place to be than Gary…
The license plates in Indiana say “In God We Trust”… You get off the highway in Gary… You better be prepared to trust a Colt ‘45 and I ain’t talkin’ about malt liquor…
The farms smelled a little bit better than Gary, too…
Saw a billboard in Illinois… “Report Corruption”… TO WHO??? IT’S ILLINOIS!!!!
I think they just want to know who the complainers are so they can show up to burn their fuckin’ house down… “Report Corruption”… Yeah, right…
Had a good show last night… Heading to LaCrosse, Wisconsin this morning with a stop to do a radio interview for the Friday and Saturday shows in Dubuque, Iowa…
Ok, that’s all for now folks… The Road Rash has been itched…
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Summer Memories...
I thought I’d just take a moment this afternoon to write a thank you note to the neighbor kids… For the memories they evoked from the deep recesses of my mind today…
Sitting in my Italian Patio on this beautiful Sunday afternoon, watching a baseball game… Windows open, warm breeze blowing… Dogs barking each time they sped, happily past on their bicycles down the bumpy gravel road…
Everyone enjoying a perfect summer day… Memories evoked not by watching them play, but only by sounds of their play as I sat watching the baseball game… Memories of childhood games on warm, endless, summer days…
If I had listened more closely I probably could have predicted the outcome or at least given good odds to anyone wishing to place a bet…
As speeds slowly increased each trip down the gravel hill, the limits of safety were punctuated with loud a “Wooo Hooo!!!”
…Until they are finally followed by the unmistakable sounds of a CRASH as bicycle and kid skid across the gravel… And a playmate’s laughter filled question of concern… “Are you, OK???”
Looking up from the ballgame… Filled with laughter myself, at what I had just heard… I lift my glass and say thanks for the memories, kid…
Sitting in my Italian Patio on this beautiful Sunday afternoon, watching a baseball game… Windows open, warm breeze blowing… Dogs barking each time they sped, happily past on their bicycles down the bumpy gravel road…
Everyone enjoying a perfect summer day… Memories evoked not by watching them play, but only by sounds of their play as I sat watching the baseball game… Memories of childhood games on warm, endless, summer days…
If I had listened more closely I probably could have predicted the outcome or at least given good odds to anyone wishing to place a bet…
As speeds slowly increased each trip down the gravel hill, the limits of safety were punctuated with loud a “Wooo Hooo!!!”
…Until they are finally followed by the unmistakable sounds of a CRASH as bicycle and kid skid across the gravel… And a playmate’s laughter filled question of concern… “Are you, OK???”
Looking up from the ballgame… Filled with laughter myself, at what I had just heard… I lift my glass and say thanks for the memories, kid…
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Another Episode of So You Want to be a Road Comic???
In moments designed by fate to remind me I’m old enough to be their father… I’ve found myself recently sharing relationship advice to a younger comic and answering emails from another asking for comedy advice…
Talking comedy with Headliner Kris Shaw, pre-show recently he reminded me that while we always start the show by acknowledging we’re happy to be there… We’re there to bring the audience into our world… Then to give them a glimpse of the world inside our minds…
Hopefully mine will always be a world where people spit beer and snort sandwiches out their nose…
Yes, I’ll always be happy to be there…
But you want to be a road comic???
Constantly asked by friends and former co-workers… “Hey Steve, how’s the comedy career coming along, played Vegas yet???”
I smile and say “No, not yet, but I’ve played places like… We ain’t got all our teeth, West Virginia… and Interbred, Pennsylvania… ”
Where, when a drunken Pittsburgh Steelers fan in a moment of misplaced team pride told me he bled “Black and Gold”… I told him… “So do Ben Rothlisberger’s girlfriends…”
Constantly traveling the country in fear that… Instead of hearing my GPS say… “You have arrived at your destination”… I’d hear banjo music as it asked… “Hey boy, you ever see Deliverance???”
While some people may think the road comic life is all bright lights and glamour… I’m playing places I only need to say the name of to get a laugh… Playing places where the only difference between the place and yogurt is there’s live culture in yogurt…
I've done shows in some of the few places where verizon can't hear me now...
While the government says that in the event of another terrorist attack we need to cover our windows with duck tape and plastic… I’m playing places where I’m pretty sure people don’t need to be told that… They’ve been wrapping the whole fuckin’ trailer with duck tape and plastic for years and changing the tires twice a year, too… Putting snow tires on the roof in the winter and taking them off every summer…
Sitting in a hotel room watching “UFO Hunters” on late night television… I come to one conclusion… The only people who have seen UFOs all have one thing in common… None of them have all their teeth… Are the aliens afraid we’re going to eat them???
I think some of my audiences have been breeding with aliens, but hey anything that diversifies the gene pool can’t be… All bad…
Stopping to consider the irony of it all… Steve “The Nuclear Guy” performing where the only thing anyone understands about the theory of relativity is everybody is a fuckin’ relative…
They can blame the six fingers on each of their kid’s hands or the one leg shorter than the other on radiation if they like… But maybe… Just maybe it’s because the family tree looks like a fuckin’ cell tower…
I say, if they don’t want people to know they fuck their sisters… Then they shouldn’t fuck their sisters!!!
Still doing some seasonal nuclear contract work, as if I don’t get enough of the road as it is… Recently finishing a two and a half week job at a nuclear power plant in Augusta, GA… I was issued white protective coveralls and a hood upon my arrival… Another moment of irony missed on the locals???
Of course Augusta, GA is the home of the Masters golf tournament and where no black had set foot on the golf course, except to mow the greens, until Tiger Woods broke that color barrier…
This years Masters tournament will be Tigers’ return to competitive golf following some pretty public indiscretions… Waffle House, the road comics’ home away from home, was mentioned prominently as one of Tigers hunting grounds…
Well, I visited three different Waffle Houses while in Augusta and I didn’t happen to see any waitresses that looked anything like the women Tiger was taking to his den… I think that’s a serious case of false advertising… But the food is good and they’re open 24 hours…
I’m a comic ‘cuz I didn’t want to wait until I was old to be able to say whatever came to my mind… And there’s no place I’d rather be than right there, right now on stage in a place like Moonshine, Mississippi…
Friends said, ‘Steve, the roads the place you ought to be…” So I loaded up the car and started driving across the country”
Talking comedy with Headliner Kris Shaw, pre-show recently he reminded me that while we always start the show by acknowledging we’re happy to be there… We’re there to bring the audience into our world… Then to give them a glimpse of the world inside our minds…
Hopefully mine will always be a world where people spit beer and snort sandwiches out their nose…
Yes, I’ll always be happy to be there…
But you want to be a road comic???
Constantly asked by friends and former co-workers… “Hey Steve, how’s the comedy career coming along, played Vegas yet???”
I smile and say “No, not yet, but I’ve played places like… We ain’t got all our teeth, West Virginia… and Interbred, Pennsylvania… ”
Where, when a drunken Pittsburgh Steelers fan in a moment of misplaced team pride told me he bled “Black and Gold”… I told him… “So do Ben Rothlisberger’s girlfriends…”
Constantly traveling the country in fear that… Instead of hearing my GPS say… “You have arrived at your destination”… I’d hear banjo music as it asked… “Hey boy, you ever see Deliverance???”
While some people may think the road comic life is all bright lights and glamour… I’m playing places I only need to say the name of to get a laugh… Playing places where the only difference between the place and yogurt is there’s live culture in yogurt…
I've done shows in some of the few places where verizon can't hear me now...
While the government says that in the event of another terrorist attack we need to cover our windows with duck tape and plastic… I’m playing places where I’m pretty sure people don’t need to be told that… They’ve been wrapping the whole fuckin’ trailer with duck tape and plastic for years and changing the tires twice a year, too… Putting snow tires on the roof in the winter and taking them off every summer…
Sitting in a hotel room watching “UFO Hunters” on late night television… I come to one conclusion… The only people who have seen UFOs all have one thing in common… None of them have all their teeth… Are the aliens afraid we’re going to eat them???
I think some of my audiences have been breeding with aliens, but hey anything that diversifies the gene pool can’t be… All bad…
Stopping to consider the irony of it all… Steve “The Nuclear Guy” performing where the only thing anyone understands about the theory of relativity is everybody is a fuckin’ relative…
They can blame the six fingers on each of their kid’s hands or the one leg shorter than the other on radiation if they like… But maybe… Just maybe it’s because the family tree looks like a fuckin’ cell tower…
I say, if they don’t want people to know they fuck their sisters… Then they shouldn’t fuck their sisters!!!
Still doing some seasonal nuclear contract work, as if I don’t get enough of the road as it is… Recently finishing a two and a half week job at a nuclear power plant in Augusta, GA… I was issued white protective coveralls and a hood upon my arrival… Another moment of irony missed on the locals???
Of course Augusta, GA is the home of the Masters golf tournament and where no black had set foot on the golf course, except to mow the greens, until Tiger Woods broke that color barrier…
This years Masters tournament will be Tigers’ return to competitive golf following some pretty public indiscretions… Waffle House, the road comics’ home away from home, was mentioned prominently as one of Tigers hunting grounds…
Well, I visited three different Waffle Houses while in Augusta and I didn’t happen to see any waitresses that looked anything like the women Tiger was taking to his den… I think that’s a serious case of false advertising… But the food is good and they’re open 24 hours…
I’m a comic ‘cuz I didn’t want to wait until I was old to be able to say whatever came to my mind… And there’s no place I’d rather be than right there, right now on stage in a place like Moonshine, Mississippi…
Friends said, ‘Steve, the roads the place you ought to be…” So I loaded up the car and started driving across the country”
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Space Cowboy...
Recently left wide awake, by a generous midday nap and post show adrenaline high, to channel surf the hotel TV menu late one night... Happening upon “The UFO Hunters” it seemed to me as the most entertaining choice and most likely to spur my imagination into flights of fancy...
Finally drifting off, trance like, but not yet asleep... “Do not adjust your set, we have taken control of your TV”, I heard the voice say from across the room.
Thoughts of my home in Wayne County began to fill my mind as a question floated like a dream above me... Why does it seem aliens only visit people missing teeth??? Are aliens afraid the rest of us will try to eat them???
I began to dream I heard my dogs barking at the bright lights in the distance, though being a few states away it may have only been my own snoring.
Maybe the aliens don’t realize rednecks have a recipe for every critter in their zoos... Whether they have teeth to chew ‘em or not...
But that could have just been the double order of teriyaki chicken wings washed down with numerous beers following the show, now coming back up for some late night comedy talk...
Maybe it was just the nightmare of the ass-tronaut ex-wife whose ass took up a lot of space...
I wondered... Are they coming to diversify some trailer park gene pools???
Dreaming my way back to Wayne County, where the only thing anyone understands about the theory of relativity is that everyone is a fuckin’ relative... Maybe I was just homesick...
Waking up and climbing into my VW Jetta wagon spaceship... Thinking I was George Jetson, I headed home for a reunion with “Jane” and our three “Astros”...
Only to arrive smelling like “Tarzan”, after 8 hours in the car... Swinging in on my vine to plant a big kiss onto the lips of my “Jane” as our three “Cheetas” danced like monkeys around us...
Happy not to be told to sleep in the barn... This Intrepid Space Cowboy was glad be home...
Finally drifting off, trance like, but not yet asleep... “Do not adjust your set, we have taken control of your TV”, I heard the voice say from across the room.
Thoughts of my home in Wayne County began to fill my mind as a question floated like a dream above me... Why does it seem aliens only visit people missing teeth??? Are aliens afraid the rest of us will try to eat them???
I began to dream I heard my dogs barking at the bright lights in the distance, though being a few states away it may have only been my own snoring.
Maybe the aliens don’t realize rednecks have a recipe for every critter in their zoos... Whether they have teeth to chew ‘em or not...
But that could have just been the double order of teriyaki chicken wings washed down with numerous beers following the show, now coming back up for some late night comedy talk...
Maybe it was just the nightmare of the ass-tronaut ex-wife whose ass took up a lot of space...
I wondered... Are they coming to diversify some trailer park gene pools???
Dreaming my way back to Wayne County, where the only thing anyone understands about the theory of relativity is that everyone is a fuckin’ relative... Maybe I was just homesick...
Waking up and climbing into my VW Jetta wagon spaceship... Thinking I was George Jetson, I headed home for a reunion with “Jane” and our three “Astros”...
Only to arrive smelling like “Tarzan”, after 8 hours in the car... Swinging in on my vine to plant a big kiss onto the lips of my “Jane” as our three “Cheetas” danced like monkeys around us...
Happy not to be told to sleep in the barn... This Intrepid Space Cowboy was glad be home...
Friday, February 26, 2010
I Need A Goddamn Nap!!!
Awoke this morning at 6am, by a dog needing to go outside... I could barely push the door open against the snow drifted up against it on the COVERED porch...
Taking care of business while he and the cat were outside... I let them back in and headed back to bed... Only to be reminded that 7am is time for their breakfast...
Brewing some coffee as I measured out their food, each of us having our morning meds... Washing mine down with two cups of coffee, while checking my emails for any needing an immediate response as the dogs chewing rawhide treats lay at feet...
Having already lost my spot on the bed to Simon, the yellow lab... I crawled into the spare bed with Riley, the chocolate lab and JJ, the black lab, at 730am...
Snorted awake again at 9am, by Riley... It was time for another cup of coffee and to head outside for my date with the shovel... The porch, the walk and into the driveway... Heavy, wet and sticky... The plow guy arrives and promptly gets his four wheel drive plow truck stuck in my driveway...
Truck unstuck and driveway plowed... It’s time for a shower and lunch... There’s still snow to move... The cars need to be moved and cleaned off... Then the snow cleaned from the cars and the snow between them needs to shoveled out of the way...
Plans are to head to the Beale Street Café tonight to hear some blues and visit with some old friends...
First I need a goddamn nap... FUCK YOU, ALGORE!!! It's snowing again...
Taking care of business while he and the cat were outside... I let them back in and headed back to bed... Only to be reminded that 7am is time for their breakfast...
Brewing some coffee as I measured out their food, each of us having our morning meds... Washing mine down with two cups of coffee, while checking my emails for any needing an immediate response as the dogs chewing rawhide treats lay at feet...
Having already lost my spot on the bed to Simon, the yellow lab... I crawled into the spare bed with Riley, the chocolate lab and JJ, the black lab, at 730am...
Snorted awake again at 9am, by Riley... It was time for another cup of coffee and to head outside for my date with the shovel... The porch, the walk and into the driveway... Heavy, wet and sticky... The plow guy arrives and promptly gets his four wheel drive plow truck stuck in my driveway...
Truck unstuck and driveway plowed... It’s time for a shower and lunch... There’s still snow to move... The cars need to be moved and cleaned off... Then the snow cleaned from the cars and the snow between them needs to shoveled out of the way...
Plans are to head to the Beale Street Café tonight to hear some blues and visit with some old friends...
First I need a goddamn nap... FUCK YOU, ALGORE!!! It's snowing again...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
A Michigan Comedy Weekend
Ok, faithful readers I need to get this blog written about last weekend’s Michigan comedy adventures before I forget what happened...
Heading out from western NY, Thursday morning, planning on cutting across Ontario Canada. Never anticipating a delay due to Olympic related heightened security measures, taking the time to remind the Canadian authorities that the “fuckin’ Olympics would be over with, by the time I drove from Niagara Falls to Vancouver”...
I shared a cigarette with those same Canadian authorities a short time later...
“Doh, Canada!!!” I was singing the Canadian national anthem...
Though I still don’t smoke after sex... I do after a cavity search!!!
Crossing back into Michigan, I headed to Grand Rapids and the home of Buffalo native, Stu McCallister... The house MC at Dr. Grins Comedy Club...
Stu shares his home with another comic, 4 cats and his dog Simon... I felt right at home there... Since I share mine with Eileen, three dogs (including a Simon) and our cat...
Stu had graciously offered me a night in his guest room while in town to do a guest spot at Dr. Grins... Talking comedy before and after the show was icing on the cake...
The Thursday “college night” show featuring $5 admission and $5 pitchers of beer was virtually sold out and a lot fun... Hopefully it leads to some regular feature work with Funny-Business...
Featuring Friday night in Howell, Michigan, a few hours east of Grand Rapids, proved to be an interesting show... Complete with a time delayed response from the Howell audience... Got to love comedy... Every night is different...
Saturday afternoon was spent hanging and talking comedy with Indianapolis comedian headliner Kris Shaw prior to our show in Edmore, Michigan... The opportunity to watch and learn from performers as talented as Kris is one of the extra benefits that comes with this job... It was truly a treat...
After a post-show dinner of Mexican food and beer, I had come prepared for the Canadian authorities while crossing back into Canada... Rolling down the window to hand them my passport, there was no way they wanted any part of the “shit” I was taking across the border...
Arriving home Sunday night to the welcoming “happy dance” of our three labs and a delicious dinner of pork tenderloin, mash potatoes and gravy... I slept like a dead man, resting for the day of chores ahead of me Monday morning...
Clearing my snow covered yard of four days of dog shit... Left me with the uneasy craving for chocolate chip ice cream and wondering, if we had a chance to score a commercial for “Dogen-Haz”...
Of course, the grass will be green by the time I return from the next trip, so I guess we’d be talking mint chocolate chip by then...
Either way, I’ll probably just want to pick the chips out of it...
After a long awaited three-mile walk along the lake with the boys, Monday night was spent relaxing in front of the TV as they lay snoring at my feet...
Nothing sounds like home more than three snoring dogs lying contentedly at your feet... And reminding me of sitting in my grandparent’s living room...
The TV volume already on high while my grandfather sat in his chair snoring so loudly my grandmother would have to scream above the TV volume, “HEY!!!” to wake him up because she couldn’t hear the TV...
Good thing they weren’t watching porno, huh??? “Papa brings the sausage... Nana brings the buns.”
After spending this week at home I’ll be featuring next week at The Funny Farm in Gloversville, NY Saturday March 6th...
Sunday March 7th, I’ll be leaving for almost four months on the road... (Hence the green grass upon my return)
Lastly... Having sworn off comedy contests some time ago, I’ve begun to rethink that decision... Winning a comedy contest would insure me a lot of additional comedy work on weekends I might otherwise be home and unemployed... Taking a cue from Harry Reid... I think I’ve found the secret to actually winning... “Vote for me or my wife gets beat up!!!”
I’M KIDDING LADIES… I’M KIDDING!!!
Heading out from western NY, Thursday morning, planning on cutting across Ontario Canada. Never anticipating a delay due to Olympic related heightened security measures, taking the time to remind the Canadian authorities that the “fuckin’ Olympics would be over with, by the time I drove from Niagara Falls to Vancouver”...
I shared a cigarette with those same Canadian authorities a short time later...
“Doh, Canada!!!” I was singing the Canadian national anthem...
Though I still don’t smoke after sex... I do after a cavity search!!!
Crossing back into Michigan, I headed to Grand Rapids and the home of Buffalo native, Stu McCallister... The house MC at Dr. Grins Comedy Club...
Stu shares his home with another comic, 4 cats and his dog Simon... I felt right at home there... Since I share mine with Eileen, three dogs (including a Simon) and our cat...
Stu had graciously offered me a night in his guest room while in town to do a guest spot at Dr. Grins... Talking comedy before and after the show was icing on the cake...
The Thursday “college night” show featuring $5 admission and $5 pitchers of beer was virtually sold out and a lot fun... Hopefully it leads to some regular feature work with Funny-Business...
Featuring Friday night in Howell, Michigan, a few hours east of Grand Rapids, proved to be an interesting show... Complete with a time delayed response from the Howell audience... Got to love comedy... Every night is different...
Saturday afternoon was spent hanging and talking comedy with Indianapolis comedian headliner Kris Shaw prior to our show in Edmore, Michigan... The opportunity to watch and learn from performers as talented as Kris is one of the extra benefits that comes with this job... It was truly a treat...
After a post-show dinner of Mexican food and beer, I had come prepared for the Canadian authorities while crossing back into Canada... Rolling down the window to hand them my passport, there was no way they wanted any part of the “shit” I was taking across the border...
Arriving home Sunday night to the welcoming “happy dance” of our three labs and a delicious dinner of pork tenderloin, mash potatoes and gravy... I slept like a dead man, resting for the day of chores ahead of me Monday morning...
Clearing my snow covered yard of four days of dog shit... Left me with the uneasy craving for chocolate chip ice cream and wondering, if we had a chance to score a commercial for “Dogen-Haz”...
Of course, the grass will be green by the time I return from the next trip, so I guess we’d be talking mint chocolate chip by then...
Either way, I’ll probably just want to pick the chips out of it...
After a long awaited three-mile walk along the lake with the boys, Monday night was spent relaxing in front of the TV as they lay snoring at my feet...
Nothing sounds like home more than three snoring dogs lying contentedly at your feet... And reminding me of sitting in my grandparent’s living room...
The TV volume already on high while my grandfather sat in his chair snoring so loudly my grandmother would have to scream above the TV volume, “HEY!!!” to wake him up because she couldn’t hear the TV...
Good thing they weren’t watching porno, huh??? “Papa brings the sausage... Nana brings the buns.”
After spending this week at home I’ll be featuring next week at The Funny Farm in Gloversville, NY Saturday March 6th...
Sunday March 7th, I’ll be leaving for almost four months on the road... (Hence the green grass upon my return)
Lastly... Having sworn off comedy contests some time ago, I’ve begun to rethink that decision... Winning a comedy contest would insure me a lot of additional comedy work on weekends I might otherwise be home and unemployed... Taking a cue from Harry Reid... I think I’ve found the secret to actually winning... “Vote for me or my wife gets beat up!!!”
I’M KIDDING LADIES… I’M KIDDING!!!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day
Loading my car this morning for my drive south tonight, through the global snowing storms, as Fox News flashed visions of white outs at the White House with news of a government shutdown due to the weather again today… I couldn’t help thinking… “Is Mother Nature trying to tell us something?”
The government is shutdown and we’re getting along just fine without them… Unfortunately, I’m sure the White House isn’t listening to her now anymore than they’ve listened this past year…
It’ll be three years this April, since I made the decision to follow this crazy dream of being a road comic… Finally beginning to realize it now… I’ve been logging a lot of time behind the wheel lately with the acceptance that sometimes that means getting to the next show despite less than favorable driving conditions… As the show biz adage goes… “The show must go on.”
Planning a nap soon… I’ll be leaving for Louisville, KY later tonight… I plan on driving through the night and sleeping when I get there for my show at Comedy Caravan Thursday night… A good performance there will go a long way towards keeping my calendar filled with roadwork…
Friday I’ll head to Lynchburg, VA for a Comedy Zone show and Saturday I’ll be back for a show just an hour from home in Cato, NY… I hope some of my local readers will make it out for that one… Even if it means riding out on their snowmobiles to get there…
A Valentine’s weekend of shows where I’m sure to be dispensing much needed relationship advice to the un-married, happily married and those who wish they never married…
And Sunday morning as I wish my wife a Happy Valentine’s Day… I’ll offer a silent prayer… Thank God, she can take a joke…
The government is shutdown and we’re getting along just fine without them… Unfortunately, I’m sure the White House isn’t listening to her now anymore than they’ve listened this past year…
It’ll be three years this April, since I made the decision to follow this crazy dream of being a road comic… Finally beginning to realize it now… I’ve been logging a lot of time behind the wheel lately with the acceptance that sometimes that means getting to the next show despite less than favorable driving conditions… As the show biz adage goes… “The show must go on.”
Planning a nap soon… I’ll be leaving for Louisville, KY later tonight… I plan on driving through the night and sleeping when I get there for my show at Comedy Caravan Thursday night… A good performance there will go a long way towards keeping my calendar filled with roadwork…
Friday I’ll head to Lynchburg, VA for a Comedy Zone show and Saturday I’ll be back for a show just an hour from home in Cato, NY… I hope some of my local readers will make it out for that one… Even if it means riding out on their snowmobiles to get there…
A Valentine’s weekend of shows where I’m sure to be dispensing much needed relationship advice to the un-married, happily married and those who wish they never married…
And Sunday morning as I wish my wife a Happy Valentine’s Day… I’ll offer a silent prayer… Thank God, she can take a joke…
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Foggy Headed Blues
Hoping to make it to the 10pm open mic at Look ah Hookah smoke shop in Rochester last night… The snow still falling and the wind blowing off the lake were enough to persuade me not to make the hour drive…
Sleeping in ‘til 9am… Something rare in a house with three dogs and a cat… And waking up this morning to stillness not often found here on the lake this time of the year… The wind was calm and sky was clear, so despite the 0 degree temperature, dressed for the cold I headed out for a walk with my boys…
Advised by my doctor to get more exercise… And just over two weeks away from my 54th birthday… The only iron I pump these days… Comes in a vitamin bottle… So the 3.5 miles of “old man exercise”… Walking my three dogs everyday I’m home, will have to do…
Recent back problems brought on by too many hours sitting behind my steering wheel, while reminding me to move about more often, have also limited my movement… No, not those movements… The juice bars at the old folks homes I’ve been playing comp me all the Metamucil I can drink…
Watching the weather channel, I’m hoping the winter storm terrorizing the southeast right now is a thing of the past soon… Heading to an audition at the Comedy Caravan in Louisville, KY Thursday February 11th… Then featuring at the Comedy Zone in Lynchburg, VA on Friday the 12th, and back home for a show in Cato, NY Saturday the 13th… Yes, I’ll be home for Valentine’s Day!!!
The following week… I’ll be doing a guest set at Dr. Grins in Grand Rapids, MI on Thursday the 18th (My Birthday, btw) then featuring in Howell, MI Friday the 19th and Mt. Pleasant, MI Saturday the 20th… I’ve been playing Michigan so often lately I’m afraid of turning into a Lions fan, just when the Bills finally get good again…
I’m hoping to get enough video this month to piece together a DVD to help defray gas costs during my Midwest comedy run
The recent change in my “old man” medicine by the doctors at the VA has often left me feeling more than a bit foggy headed… I’m hoping to adjust to it soon… I’ve only had three beers the last month and a half… And if that’s the way I’ve got to go through life… They better be pouring tall ones!!!
There are still two February weekends I need to fill with comedy work, I’m hoping to get enough video this month to piece together a DVD to help defray gas costs… Before I head south again for a few months of nuclear contract work in Georgia and Alabama… I’m trying to tie in a few appearances in front of the “red neck cock suckers” while I’m there… I finish my spring contract work with a week in Illinois and then starting a two-month Midwest comedy run through Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, Illinois and points yet to be determined… During which I hope again to accumulate some good video footage…
I’m also hoping to spend the first week of June in Chicago taking part in the Snubfest Comedy Festival… And maybe when I return we’ll finally get the full length DVD “Expecting Criticality @ Anytime” recorded and have it available for sale…
Ok, that’s enough for now I’ve still got some calendar to get filled…
Sleeping in ‘til 9am… Something rare in a house with three dogs and a cat… And waking up this morning to stillness not often found here on the lake this time of the year… The wind was calm and sky was clear, so despite the 0 degree temperature, dressed for the cold I headed out for a walk with my boys…
Advised by my doctor to get more exercise… And just over two weeks away from my 54th birthday… The only iron I pump these days… Comes in a vitamin bottle… So the 3.5 miles of “old man exercise”… Walking my three dogs everyday I’m home, will have to do…
Recent back problems brought on by too many hours sitting behind my steering wheel, while reminding me to move about more often, have also limited my movement… No, not those movements… The juice bars at the old folks homes I’ve been playing comp me all the Metamucil I can drink…
Watching the weather channel, I’m hoping the winter storm terrorizing the southeast right now is a thing of the past soon… Heading to an audition at the Comedy Caravan in Louisville, KY Thursday February 11th… Then featuring at the Comedy Zone in Lynchburg, VA on Friday the 12th, and back home for a show in Cato, NY Saturday the 13th… Yes, I’ll be home for Valentine’s Day!!!
The following week… I’ll be doing a guest set at Dr. Grins in Grand Rapids, MI on Thursday the 18th (My Birthday, btw) then featuring in Howell, MI Friday the 19th and Mt. Pleasant, MI Saturday the 20th… I’ve been playing Michigan so often lately I’m afraid of turning into a Lions fan, just when the Bills finally get good again…
I’m hoping to get enough video this month to piece together a DVD to help defray gas costs during my Midwest comedy run
The recent change in my “old man” medicine by the doctors at the VA has often left me feeling more than a bit foggy headed… I’m hoping to adjust to it soon… I’ve only had three beers the last month and a half… And if that’s the way I’ve got to go through life… They better be pouring tall ones!!!
There are still two February weekends I need to fill with comedy work, I’m hoping to get enough video this month to piece together a DVD to help defray gas costs… Before I head south again for a few months of nuclear contract work in Georgia and Alabama… I’m trying to tie in a few appearances in front of the “red neck cock suckers” while I’m there… I finish my spring contract work with a week in Illinois and then starting a two-month Midwest comedy run through Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, Illinois and points yet to be determined… During which I hope again to accumulate some good video footage…
I’m also hoping to spend the first week of June in Chicago taking part in the Snubfest Comedy Festival… And maybe when I return we’ll finally get the full length DVD “Expecting Criticality @ Anytime” recorded and have it available for sale…
Ok, that’s enough for now I’ve still got some calendar to get filled…
Friday, January 29, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Adogalypse Now
Standing on the porch in the dark this morning, enjoying a cup of coffee, my eyes surveyed a scene straight out of a Viet Nam movie. The dogs had charged into the rice paddy of our front yard, as soon as I had opened the front door. Made that way courtesy of the torrents of global warming snowfall recently subject to our balmy melting temperatures and monsoon rainfall.
The music started softly at first as though far off in the distance, slowly becoming louder, until it thundered in all our ears.
http://www.carolinaclassical.com/articles/wagnervalkyries.html
The wind had turned in the night it was now cool and strong off of the water, huge breakers were rolling in and disintegrating in foamy spray along the shore.
Looking back towards me, with an ear still turned toward the thundering music now accompanied by the song of the waves, their eyes tell me what they are thinking, “Mommy don’t surf!!!”
“You’re right”, I say. “I can’t even get her to go swimming with me.”
As they begin their morning chase of the cat across the rice paddy, they bark out the start of their day.
“We love the smell of cat shit in the morning. It smells like… breakfast!!!”
The music started softly at first as though far off in the distance, slowly becoming louder, until it thundered in all our ears.
http://www.carolinaclassical.com/articles/wagnervalkyries.html
The wind had turned in the night it was now cool and strong off of the water, huge breakers were rolling in and disintegrating in foamy spray along the shore.
Looking back towards me, with an ear still turned toward the thundering music now accompanied by the song of the waves, their eyes tell me what they are thinking, “Mommy don’t surf!!!”
“You’re right”, I say. “I can’t even get her to go swimming with me.”
As they begin their morning chase of the cat across the rice paddy, they bark out the start of their day.
“We love the smell of cat shit in the morning. It smells like… breakfast!!!”
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Shit On My Shovel
With three big dogs in yard it’s unavoidable and since two of them have recently decided shit is a delicacy… It’s imperative to clean it up quick… They eat well and have no need for a hot meal…
The where’s and when’s of our inspirations are sometimes very interesting… There’s not always a direct relation or corollary between our actions and our musings… Sometimes musings are tangential and sometimes we just think about shit…
Today is one of those days… I’ve shoveled a lot of shit in my life… Back in the days of single bars and pick up lines I could shovel shit with the best of ‘em…
Sometimes the shit we’re stuck shoveling doesn’t smell so nice… That’s usually the shit someone else dumps on us… Not to say our own shit doesn’t stink… But shoveling out from under some else’s is never pleasant…
People should remember the age-old adage… Shit unto others, as you would have them shit onto you… In other words… DON’T…
Back in my fighting days… I admit there were times I welcomed it… With the caveat… Shit on me all you want… Just be ready for twice as much in return…
Now that I’m older there are days that I can’t shit at all, so I’m a little more discreet before making so bold a statement… Especially, if I haven’t taken my Metamucil that day…
Sometimes we can’t think of any shit to write about… And sometimes we just gotta shovel shit… Today is one of those days…
The where’s and when’s of our inspirations are sometimes very interesting… There’s not always a direct relation or corollary between our actions and our musings… Sometimes musings are tangential and sometimes we just think about shit…
Today is one of those days… I’ve shoveled a lot of shit in my life… Back in the days of single bars and pick up lines I could shovel shit with the best of ‘em…
Sometimes the shit we’re stuck shoveling doesn’t smell so nice… That’s usually the shit someone else dumps on us… Not to say our own shit doesn’t stink… But shoveling out from under some else’s is never pleasant…
People should remember the age-old adage… Shit unto others, as you would have them shit onto you… In other words… DON’T…
Back in my fighting days… I admit there were times I welcomed it… With the caveat… Shit on me all you want… Just be ready for twice as much in return…
Now that I’m older there are days that I can’t shit at all, so I’m a little more discreet before making so bold a statement… Especially, if I haven’t taken my Metamucil that day…
Sometimes we can’t think of any shit to write about… And sometimes we just gotta shovel shit… Today is one of those days…
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Laxative… It’s Not Just For Constipation Anymore!!!
Sometimes it's just for unloading a ration or two of built up shit on those who need an unloading on…
So let’s let the unloading begin…
I DON’T PLAY MAFIA GAMES… I DON’T PLAY FARMVILLE GAMES… I’m already an Italian living in Farmville… All you would be wise guys need to wise up… The computer is a tool… Facebook one of the tools in the box… They are not toys… If you need a toy to play with… Dial up some internet porn and and play with yourself… I don’t have the time or intention to play with you… So I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse… Don’ta aska me to playa and I won’ta take a you offa my frienda list… Capisca???
Next… I don’t really give a fuck about anyone’s pet causes and getting requests to join your cause is becoming a pet peeve… I don’t need any more pets… I’ve got three dogs, a cat and a wife… So the same rules apply… OK, I hope we all can understand that… But I doubt it… I think I’ll need to repost this once a month at least…
I had meant to say more… But finding this on the Internet…
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpps/news/offbeat/iowa-man-spells-out-wife's-birthday-message-in-manure_5415058
Has muted some of my fury… I hope I’ve got my point across… But I still can’t wait to shit on someone’s grave!!!
Have a nice day!!!
So let’s let the unloading begin…
I DON’T PLAY MAFIA GAMES… I DON’T PLAY FARMVILLE GAMES… I’m already an Italian living in Farmville… All you would be wise guys need to wise up… The computer is a tool… Facebook one of the tools in the box… They are not toys… If you need a toy to play with… Dial up some internet porn and and play with yourself… I don’t have the time or intention to play with you… So I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse… Don’ta aska me to playa and I won’ta take a you offa my frienda list… Capisca???
Next… I don’t really give a fuck about anyone’s pet causes and getting requests to join your cause is becoming a pet peeve… I don’t need any more pets… I’ve got three dogs, a cat and a wife… So the same rules apply… OK, I hope we all can understand that… But I doubt it… I think I’ll need to repost this once a month at least…
I had meant to say more… But finding this on the Internet…
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpps/news/offbeat/iowa-man-spells-out-wife's-birthday-message-in-manure_5415058
Has muted some of my fury… I hope I’ve got my point across… But I still can’t wait to shit on someone’s grave!!!
Have a nice day!!!
Laxative, it's not just for constipation anymore!!! Finally, this is the laugh I've needed all day. But I still can't wait to shit on someone's grave!
http://ping.fm/wZ7BP's-birthday-message-in-manure_5415058
http://ping.fm/wZ7BP's-birthday-message-in-manure_5415058
Sunday, January 3, 2010
So You Want To Be A Road Comic???
After spending a cool Friday night in the Millbury, OH Super 8 Motel… Cool, because the heater in the room didn’t work so super… It felt about a super 8 degrees IN the room… I was up early and on the road heading home…
Scribbling notes onto the yellow legal pad sitting on the seat beside me yesterday during the drive… I’ll start to decipher them into today’s blog… But first I’ll start with a prayer of thanks I drove home yesterday or I’d probably be spending the day in a ditch somewhere along the way… But at least the heater in my car works, so maybe it wouldn’t have been that bad… At least until I ran out of gas… And I’ve been told I NEVER run out of gas… Ask Tetta he’s ridden in the car with me…
Been thinking about compiling my blogs into a book… But do you call a book of road comic blogs???
Charles Kuralt already used the “On The Road with…” theme…
“On Stage with…”???
Maybe, but as any road comic will tell you… Not all the good stories happen on stage… Just like an old sailor’s “Sea Stories” not all the good ones happen at sea… Hell, as an old sailor… I can tell you for certain… The “good ones” happened on land…
“Oh the romance of these harbour towns
Lights that shimmer on canals
And in the bottom of your glass
The air buzzing with foreign tongues
And the occasional cries
Of sailors, tramps and rock 'n' rollers . . .
And another taste of cheap delight
Street food sizzling outside
Washed down with the local poison
These back alleys with their pinkish lights
And the occasional cries
Of smugglers, bums and credit card holders . . .”
…Joe Jackson
Sorry, I digress… I was having a flashback…
Comedy is a “Funny Business”… There’s nothing better than being on stage and in “The Zone”… Though getting there isn’t always easy… Despite prompt response to show drops… Sometimes that’s just the “Sub (Base) Way”… I guess I’ll just go there to eat…
It’s true… It’s a “Funny Business” when they say I’m “too blue”… But I’m not there to… Entertain the “Coastal” line… I’m there to entertain the crowd and they like it just fine…
It’s “Hysterical” that as a “Charter” member they say I can’t manage my career… Call me a fool… I’m just “Bonkerz” my April is almost full…
So you want to be a road comic???
Yes…
This is the day
Of the comedy man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand
It seems like only yesterday
I gazed through the glass
At jokers
Wild crowd workers
That's all in the past
You call me a fool
You say it's a crazy scheme
This one's for real
I already bought the dream
So useless to ask me why
Throw a kiss and say goodbye
I'll make it this time
I'm ready to cross that fine line
CHORUS:
I've learned to work the microphone
I'll say just what I feel
I don’t drink Scotch whiskey all night long
But I’ll probably die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I wanted a name, too
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me The Nuclear Guy
My back to the wall
A victim of laughing chance
This is for me
The essence of true romance
Sharing the things we know and love
With those of my kind
Laughter
Scenarios
That stagger the mind
I drive like a trucker
Across this country’s streets
Make love to this material
Languid and bittersweet
I'll rise when the sun goes down
Cover every game in town
A world of my own
I'll make it my home sweet home
…Apologies to Steely Dan
It's everything they say… Being on stage is… The end of a perfect day…
I don’t know what the rest of 2010 has in store… but in a “Paranormal” moment I’ll make this prediction… 2010 won’t be the year of my “Tiger Woods Moment”… ‘Cuz there’s a para-better than-normal waiting for me at home…
Happy New Year fellow road comics and to those who laugh at us… Thanks for laughing… To those wait for us… Thanks for keeping the home fires burning… To those who book us… Thanks, you are appreciated… And to those who don’t… Well…
Scribbling notes onto the yellow legal pad sitting on the seat beside me yesterday during the drive… I’ll start to decipher them into today’s blog… But first I’ll start with a prayer of thanks I drove home yesterday or I’d probably be spending the day in a ditch somewhere along the way… But at least the heater in my car works, so maybe it wouldn’t have been that bad… At least until I ran out of gas… And I’ve been told I NEVER run out of gas… Ask Tetta he’s ridden in the car with me…
Been thinking about compiling my blogs into a book… But do you call a book of road comic blogs???
Charles Kuralt already used the “On The Road with…” theme…
“On Stage with…”???
Maybe, but as any road comic will tell you… Not all the good stories happen on stage… Just like an old sailor’s “Sea Stories” not all the good ones happen at sea… Hell, as an old sailor… I can tell you for certain… The “good ones” happened on land…
“Oh the romance of these harbour towns
Lights that shimmer on canals
And in the bottom of your glass
The air buzzing with foreign tongues
And the occasional cries
Of sailors, tramps and rock 'n' rollers . . .
And another taste of cheap delight
Street food sizzling outside
Washed down with the local poison
These back alleys with their pinkish lights
And the occasional cries
Of smugglers, bums and credit card holders . . .”
…Joe Jackson
Sorry, I digress… I was having a flashback…
Comedy is a “Funny Business”… There’s nothing better than being on stage and in “The Zone”… Though getting there isn’t always easy… Despite prompt response to show drops… Sometimes that’s just the “Sub (Base) Way”… I guess I’ll just go there to eat…
It’s true… It’s a “Funny Business” when they say I’m “too blue”… But I’m not there to… Entertain the “Coastal” line… I’m there to entertain the crowd and they like it just fine…
It’s “Hysterical” that as a “Charter” member they say I can’t manage my career… Call me a fool… I’m just “Bonkerz” my April is almost full…
So you want to be a road comic???
Yes…
This is the day
Of the comedy man
That shape is my shade
There where I used to stand
It seems like only yesterday
I gazed through the glass
At jokers
Wild crowd workers
That's all in the past
You call me a fool
You say it's a crazy scheme
This one's for real
I already bought the dream
So useless to ask me why
Throw a kiss and say goodbye
I'll make it this time
I'm ready to cross that fine line
CHORUS:
I've learned to work the microphone
I'll say just what I feel
I don’t drink Scotch whiskey all night long
But I’ll probably die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I wanted a name, too
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me The Nuclear Guy
My back to the wall
A victim of laughing chance
This is for me
The essence of true romance
Sharing the things we know and love
With those of my kind
Laughter
Scenarios
That stagger the mind
I drive like a trucker
Across this country’s streets
Make love to this material
Languid and bittersweet
I'll rise when the sun goes down
Cover every game in town
A world of my own
I'll make it my home sweet home
…Apologies to Steely Dan
It's everything they say… Being on stage is… The end of a perfect day…
I don’t know what the rest of 2010 has in store… but in a “Paranormal” moment I’ll make this prediction… 2010 won’t be the year of my “Tiger Woods Moment”… ‘Cuz there’s a para-better than-normal waiting for me at home…
Happy New Year fellow road comics and to those who laugh at us… Thanks for laughing… To those wait for us… Thanks for keeping the home fires burning… To those who book us… Thanks, you are appreciated… And to those who don’t… Well…
Saturday, January 2, 2010
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