Like a Note in a Bottle… I received an email today from Joel
Pace of Comedy Zone asking me if I was available for a gig on an upcoming date…
No I’m 2000 miles away… But Joel I want to publicly thank you for the email…
Just to know I haven’t fallen completely off the map is a wonderful feeling… I
can’t find the words to say how truly good it made me feel…
I’m 2000 miles away… I’m stuck in a land of make believe…
Make believe that things are normal and okay… Smile and drag your horde of kids
to Wal-Mart to plug up the aisles… You’re only in your mid-twenties or less and
you’ve dutifully cranked them out… It’s your only purpose in life… Be happy
they let you finish high school…
Maybe it’s the nightshift… Maybe it’s more than that… It
certainly feels like it… Struggling to finish preparations, packing, and
planning to drive from Idaho Falls to Upstate NY… I’ll be leaving in less than
two weeks… Me and my three sons… I’ve been marking pet friendly hotels along
the way on the map… Maybe I shouldn’t say marking… They might not let us stay
there…
I will need to average approximately 500miles per day to
arrive in 4 days… I’ll have a day or so of rest before turning 180degrees and
heading west again… Opening at Mason City Limits in Mason City, IL Nov 2 & 3
and Zanies Rising Star Showcase Nov 5 in Chicago… I need to be back in Idaho by
Nov 8th in order to go to work on the 9th… A gig in
Helena, MT falling through yesterday allows me to work the “real” job that
weekend…
Desperately needing to escape the comedy Siberia of
southeast Idaho at least a few times each month… I have been sending emails as
fast as I can type them to bookers, bars, and every fuck stick maker I can
think of east and west of the Rockies…
While trying to build a run or two… Phone calls are not
returned… Emails go unanswered… Venues accustomed to getting shitty local cover
bands for free see no need to pay for comedy… etc, etc, etc…
When I should be writing material I am busy trying to fill
an empty calendar… When there is time to write I am stumped and uninspired by
the sameness of my surroundings… A neighborhood resembling something like the
one seen in “The Stepford Wives” … Misogyny is too big a word for eastern Idaho…
Here they just call it Mormonism… I have become convinced that LDS stands for “Ladies
are a Distant Second”… I’m from NY… I wouldn’t like it here even if I was
Mormon!!!
Diversity… In Idaho Falls that means they used a different
color brick to build the church this corner… Than the one on the corner you
just passed… Tom Hanks ain’t got nothing on this “Castaway”… “Loneliness of the
Long Distance Trucker”… I am starving for stimulation… I might as well be out
to sea on a fuckin’ submarine again…
The saddest part of this rant is there are people here who
will read it and ask, complete with their robot stare… “Why don’t you like it
here???” They’ll never understand… I have a neighbor who proudly told me upon hearing I was from NY that she had NEVER BEEN MORE THAN 3HRS AWAY FROM HERE!!! AND NOW SHE IS SHARING THAT WONDERFULLY DIVERSE WORLD VIEW WITH HER SIX FUCKIN' KIDS!!!!
This rant has gone on too long… Yet maybe, not long enough… It
needs to be posted and I need some sleep… Any touring comics looking for a
travel partner please hit me up… Please do it before my head explodes... Thanks
again Joel… You might have saved my life today… And if I hang on tight that
rope just might drag me back onto the sanity of the road…
