Steve “The Nuclear Guy” Past Present and Future… An End of the Year (World) Look Back and Ahead…

2012 has been a year of constant change personally and professionally… Nuclear-ly and comically… Whether the Mayans are right or wrong… I am ready for this year to end…

I’ve lamented here numerous times the comedy Siberia that Southeast Idaho seems to be… Not needing to do that again I purposely chose the words “seems to be”… 2013 will be a year I am committed to changing that perception…

It’s still a lot of miles from here to anywhere to perform so rather than continuing to lament that… I have been thinking outside the usual comedy box… SE Idaho may be miles from everywhere comedy is normally performed… But by the power of the internet I can bring “everywhere” to SE Idaho…

I had hoped to launch my Internet talk show “Expecting Criticality at Any Time” this past November, but a series of dramatic events (some previously discussed here and some purposely left out of the discussion) has pushed the launch into the New Year… Using the delay to my favor… It has given me more time to brainstorm additional ideas for the show…

Planning to broadcast from a bunker DEEP beneath the SE Idaho desert…  ‘Cuz just like the... Mormons... Deep down... I’m really a nice guy... I am now planning on a live studio audience as an interactive part of the show…

Occasionally even including a game show format I am developing as an idea to bring to venues on the road… It may eventually become a separate show all its own, if sufficient sponsorship can be lined up for it…

The regular show will feature live in studio guests (maybe we’ll even get the Bishop to visit), as well as call in segments from some of my favorite road comics, other than myself... Discussion of current events... Musical guests... Skits... Comedy... My social and irregardless religious commentary...

And will also feature the debut of the “Mormon Girls Gone Bad”, ‘cuz when you’re Expecting Criticality at Any Time… “Bad” be “Good!!!”

Occasional "On the Road with Steve" shows as my comedy calendar allows… ‘Cuz when you are on the road from SE Idaho… You are really on the road!!!

And of course, what will be one of my favorite parts to the show... My "Dear Nuclear Guy" relationship advice for the lovelorn...

So stay tuned… I hope to see many of my local friends, followers, stalkers and those wondering “What the fuck is he up to now???” in the studio audience…

I hope the many friends I have made across the country tune in and who knows maybe this is the road that leads everywhere to SE Idaho and gets me the hell out…

Shine on Halloween Moon...

Pultneyville, NY 2107… Sitting on Lake Road just west of the Hamlet of Pultneyville in the Town of Williamson, NY, Lakeside Cemetery is the final resting place of many interesting and colorful characters, from 18th and19th century Pultneyville Mariners, Civil War heroes, and hard working regular folks who forged a living from the land at a time when Pultneyville was still considered the western edge of the American frontier, to some of the newer residents including Steve ”The Nuclear Guy” Natarelli, a well known nationally, touring comedian. While fulfilling his life long dream of filming a live TV special for HBO, Steve’s life had been tragically ended onstage, while telling jokes about his ex-wife’s fat ass.

Shot by his ex-wife… “As she screamed, RUINED YOUR LIFE??? RUINED YOUR LIFE???? You think my fat ass is funny??? You want a blowjob??? How about if I just blow you away, Asshole!!!”

Taken away kicking and screaming she was sent to a gulag in Siberia, sentenced to becoming a vegetarian, she didn’t eat meat, but had no limit on Oreos. She was never heard from again.

The comedy world mourned the loss of Steve “The Nuclear Guy” and each year since his death they have held an Annual Ex-Wife Bash in his honor on the anniversary of his death.

The Pultneyville Historical Society Annual Halloween evening tours had grown through the years into a time when the locals could come to learn some history and visit a long gone relative or two, with many people through the years, even traveling from the nearby city of Rochester to partake of the festivities.

Guided through the cemetery by a member of the Historical Society, the visitors are met along the path by some of the Lakeside Cemetery’s more colorful inhabitants, played of course by other members of the Historical society.

Never a frightful Halloween event, the evening tours through the cemetery had always been considered a wholesome and safe family event and though the candles used to light the path had long ago been replaced by flashlights, the tradition of the evening tours that has continued strong all these years now seems threatened to finally becoming to an end... Not an end to the Halloween tradition of visiting the cemetery... But no longer are the crowds satisfied with seeing someone in costume playing a ghost.

For some strange and unexplainable things have begun to happen as the now huge crowds have filed in. Several witnesses have reported seeing the gravestone of Steve “The Nuclear Guy” Natarelli begin to glow an eerie, radioactive green against the pitch, black darkness of the late October evening sky.

Drawn to the light, the large crowds approach eagerly, but it’s not a member of the Pultneyville Historical Society they find there. Soon they are consumed by uncontrollable laughter and an inability to breath, for it’s truly the ghost of Steve “The Nuclear Guy” Natarelli!!!

Awakened from his slumber by the gathering of people, the numbers of which he had never seen while on stage... He never could resist an audience...

Well, summer’s over... It’s kind of depressing isn’t it??? It’s not all bad, though… How many people have kids away at college??? How many of you at least THOUGHT about doing it on the kitchen table the day they left???

How many Italians do we have here tonight??? You know a lot of people ask me if doing comedy is hard... I tell 'em... Minga, my last name is Natarelli... I grew up thinking it was normal to talk loud and draw attention to myself.

I really loved my grandmother... I think I'm going to grow a moustache... So I look just like her. (She told me when I got here, she never really liked that one.)

The whole time we'd be waiting in line ...SISTER MARY MISERABLE would be marching up and down telling us, if we talked in church we'd go to hell ...I always wanted to ask her ...Then why don't you SHUT THE FUCK UP??? You haven't stopped talking since we got here!!! (She’s still talking and guess what??? SHE AIN’T UP HERE!!!)

YEAH, I GOT SOME FUCKIN’ ISSUES... But talking in church ain’t one of ‘em... I've spent my time in hell ...I was in the nuclear power business for 30 years.

Elections are coming so health care is back in the news… We better hope laughter really is the best medicine… If we expect the politicians to do anything about it… Hell, the Democrats are letting Nurse Nancy Ratchet write the healthcare bill…

Do you think the Democrats really care whether you live or die??? Hell, dead people vote for the Democrats every election!!! What’s that tell ya???

Guys, you want your wife to get up early and fix breakfast before you leave for work in the morning??? Write a will... I’ve had bacon & eggs with a side of chest pains every morning, after I wrote mine...

How many people here tonight… Are from Wayne County??? You know sometimes all I have to do is SAY Wayne County to get a laugh... I wish comedy was always that easy...

Consider the irony of building a nuclear power plant in… Wayne County… Where the only thing anybody understands about the theory of relativity is... Everybody’s a FUCKIN’ RELATIVE!!!

I wanted to diversify the gene pool... So my wife was from Long Island… Her mother didn’t appreciate it when I offered to put in-law accommodations in our barn... What, sleeping on straw with smelly animals was… Ok, for the Baby Jesus... But was NOT OK for my mother in-law???

But the Mormons have this Bigamy thing going for them, too... Talk about hell on earth... I MEAN COME ON GUYS HOW MANY WIVES DO WE REALLY NEED TO TELL US HOW TO CHANGE A FUCKIN' LIGHT BULB??? It ain’t nuclear physics, btw!!!

I'm drinkin' tonite, because my wife is driving... Drivin’ me FUCKIN’ CRAZY!!!

When I was younger I never wanted kids... But now that I’m dead I can appreciate the importance of having a house full of them... ‘Cuz ya never know when you gonna need a spare part... NO!!! Not that part!!! I mean a kidney... Or a lung... Have enough kids... You might live forever...

I was screwed... All my kids were step kids… Their organs didn’t match... My wife got the kidney, the lung AND ALL THE MONEY!!!

So I told him I had three dogs... He said, “Do you breed dogs???” I said not unless you count when I was doing my ex-wife... She was a bitch!!!

I remember one Saturday morning I got up... The house was a madhouse... Dog barkin’, kid screamin’... All I wanted was the milk for my cheerios... But when my ex-wife bent over to get something from the refrigerator... I said, “YOU FAT ASS, YOU RUINED MY FUCKIN' LIFE!!!”

Slaying them with jokes… He kills them with laughter from the grave, as his ghost dances with his light sabre in hand like a hologram across the evening sky.

Laughing loud enough to wake the rest of the dead, the crowd roars in approval as Steve wonders aloud, who says you can’t do a gig outside??? If you’re gonna die laughing... Ya might as well do it here!!!

As the show draws to a close Steve thanks them for coming... Never one to over play an audience, he invites them back next year...

'Cuz you know what they say... Once you've had BLACK LAB... YOU ALWAYS COME BACK!!!

Like a Note in a Bottle...

Like a Note in a Bottle… I received an email today from Joel Pace of Comedy Zone asking me if I was available for a gig on an upcoming date… No I’m 2000 miles away… But Joel I want to publicly thank you for the email… Just to know I haven’t fallen completely off the map is a wonderful feeling… I can’t find the words to say how truly good it made me feel…

 

I’m 2000 miles away… I’m stuck in a land of make believe… Make believe that things are normal and okay… Smile and drag your horde of kids to Wal-Mart to plug up the aisles… You’re only in your mid-twenties or less and you’ve dutifully cranked them out… It’s your only purpose in life… Be happy they let you finish high school…

 

Maybe it’s the nightshift… Maybe it’s more than that… It certainly feels like it… Struggling to finish preparations, packing, and planning to drive from Idaho Falls to Upstate NY… I’ll be leaving in less than two weeks… Me and my three sons… I’ve been marking pet friendly hotels along the way on the map… Maybe I shouldn’t say marking… They might not let us stay there…

 

I will need to average approximately 500miles per day to arrive in 4 days… I’ll have a day or so of rest before turning 180degrees and heading west again… Opening at Mason City Limits in Mason City, IL Nov 2 & 3 and Zanies Rising Star Showcase Nov 5 in Chicago… I need to be back in Idaho by Nov 8^th in order to go to work on the 9^th… A gig in Helena, MT falling through yesterday allows me to work the “real” job that weekend…

 

Desperately needing to escape the comedy Siberia of southeast Idaho at least a few times each month… I have been sending emails as fast as I can type them to bookers, bars, and every fuck stick maker I can think of east and west of the Rockies…

 

While trying to build a run or two… Phone calls are not returned… Emails go unanswered… Venues accustomed to getting shitty local cover bands for free see no need to pay for comedy… etc, etc, etc…

 

When I should be writing material I am busy trying to fill an empty calendar… When there is time to write I am stumped and uninspired by the sameness of my surroundings… A neighborhood resembling something like the one seen in “The Stepford Wives” … Misogyny is too big a word for eastern Idaho… Here they just call it Mormonism… I have become convinced that LDS stands for “Ladies are a Distant Second”… I’m from NY… I wouldn’t like it here even if I was Mormon!!!

 

Diversity… In Idaho Falls that means they used a different color brick to build the church this corner… Than the one on the corner you just passed… Tom Hanks ain’t got nothing on this “Castaway”… “Loneliness of the Long Distance Trucker”… I am starving for stimulation… I might as well be out to sea on a fuckin’ submarine again…

 

The saddest part of this rant is there are people here who will read it and ask, complete with their robot stare… “Why don’t you like it here???” They’ll never understand… I have a neighbor who proudly told me upon hearing I was from NY that she had NEVER BEEN MORE THAN 3HRS AWAY FROM HERE!!! AND NOW SHE IS SHARING THAT WONDERFULLY DIVERSE WORLD VIEW WITH HER SIX FUCKIN' KIDS!!!!

 

This rant has gone on too long… Yet maybe, not long enough… It needs to be posted and I need some sleep… Any touring comics looking for a travel partner please hit me up… Please do it before my head explodes... Thanks again Joel… You might have saved my life today… And if I hang on tight that rope just might drag me back onto the sanity of the road…  

What's Happening in Vegas... Ain't Stayin' in Vegas...

This is the city… Las Vegas, NV… I’ll be working the Series here… The World Series… The World Series of Comedy… September 17-22… I’m a comic… My name’s “The Nuclear Guy”…

What happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas… Not this time… Some funny things will be happening in Vegas and I’ll be there reporting it all… I will be posting Updates, Videos and Blogs about my week in Vegas on and off the stage…

It will also give me a chance to collect material for the kickoff of my still unnamed Internet Talk Show debuting live this November from a secret underground bunker DEEP beneath the SE Idaho desert... Cuz just like the... Mormons... Deep down... Steve is really a nice guy...

Featuring live in studio guests, as well as call in segments from some of Steve's favorite road comics, other than himself... Discussion of current events... Musical guests... Skits... Comedy... Steve's social and irregardless religious commentary... Occasional "On the Road with Steve" shows as his comedy calendar allows and of course... Steve's "Dear Nuclear Guy" relationship advice for the lovelorn...

I’d like to ask those who haven’t done so already to please “Like” the https://www.facebook.com/threedogcomedyproductions page... And announce a “name that show” contest for my still unnamed Internet Talk Show debuting live this November from a secret underground bunker DEEP beneath the SE Idaho desert... Cuz just like the... Mormons... Deep down... I’m really a nice guy... I know… I said that already…

While something catchy is fine… Please try to keep the suggestions reasonable… Comedy is our business… But it’s still a business… You can post your suggestions here in a comment or send them to me in a private message… The winning name will be announced no later than mid-October when show promo and the search for show sponsors kicks into high gear…

The winning entrant will be blind folded, so not to give away the location of the secret underground bunker DEEP beneath the SE Idaho desert... And brought in for a live interview on the debut show… Though no video will be taken of them having sex with small Idaho farm animals… Some things are just meant to be kept private…

So stay tuned… I’d tell you lots of fun things are on the horizon… But I can’t see the horizon from my secret underground bunker DEEP beneath the SE Idaho desert... But just like the... Mormons... Deep down... I’m really a nice guy... I know… I said that already…

YOU BECHTEL EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOLL…

Some time ago in my quest to find passage out of the self-imposed exile to the Siberia of Idaho…

Yes, it was my mistake to move to Idaho Falls, ID… Though had I taken the time to research life here first maybe I could have avoided it… I’m here… Wasting no time looking for the road out of town…

I applied on line and sent my resume to Bechtel Marine Propulsion Corporation for a position at Knolls Atomic Power Laboratory in Upstate NY…

Herein to be known for the remainder of this discussion as BMPC… It may not be PC to refer to this company as a Bowel Movement… But those that know me… Well, yeah… You know… I will just call BM… SHIT!!!

It was so long ago I had forgotten I applied and for what job I had applied for… Approximately two weeks ago I received a phone call from the department manager connected with that position and following the phone interview he informed me the HR department would be in touch with me to arrange my travel from Idaho Falls, ID to Albany, NY for an in person interview…

Early this week I received that phone call and agreed to travel to Albany next week on May 29th for an interview May30th, returning to Idaho Falls the same day… An email was received confirming this… Instructing me to call the travel agency BMPC does “their business” with to schedule my flight…

Of course, on short notice and only a week out the flight was going to be expensive, but they said they wanted me there… Oh, but wait… Not at more than $1000.00 for a round trip ticket…  So the decision was made to reschedule the interview…

Yesterday I received a call from the BMPC HR Department… Would it be PC to now refer to them as the Head Rectal Department??? Yeah, well these people have their heads so far up their collective asses, I am happy this story ends the way it does…

Agreeing to reschedule the interview for Mid-June I expected today to here from the travel agency BMPC does “their business” with to schedule my flight… BUT wait…

Today I received a phone call from the Head Rectal Department informing me that travel for the interview wasn’t authorized… But since I had stated I had family in Upstate NY they would be happy to interview me when I travelled to visit family this summer…

I promptly informed the woman from the Head Rectal Department that if she could remove her head from her ass… She’d have room to stick the interview up there… Interview this, sweetheart… If you talk into this microphone I have in my pants… I’ll make you a star…    

Have a nice day… Mine sucked… But I’m better now…

Big League Dreams

Big League Dreams

A gangly adolescent with Big League Dreams, dressed in standard Catholic High School garb… Dress shoes, pants, collared dress shirt and tie and sport jacket… His shoulder length hair, that everyone else also seemed to be wearing at the time, more than ironically his only claim to individuality… Boarded a school bus on a warm October morning in the early 1970s, lost in his typical teenage thoughts…

Homework and good grades, balanced of course against being a nerd and not fitting in with the popular crowd… More than occasionally seeking the approval he didn’t always get at home in ways the authority of the day (Parents, Priests and Nuns) didn’t always appreciate… Speaking his mind, acting out against authority, usually quite loudly and social commentary on the events of the day or times… While garnering him attention, often had him in hot water with the said authorities of a typical teenager’s life…

Many years later, those same “endearing” qualities… Speaking his mind, often quite loudly… Acting out against authority and social commentary would lead him finally to the stage… Where the safety it provides him to say whatever was on his mind… While garnering the same immediate feedback and acceptance from complete strangers, that he had sought from family and friends his whole life…

But returning now, to our hero’s teenage thoughts as he finds a seat on the bus… Of course Catholic High School girls, pressing the short skirt limit as far up their thighs as the authorities of their day would let them, always had a place somewhere in his mind… Though his attempts at the social skills needed to interact with them were often met with rejection…

Sports were his refuge and warm October days in the early 1970s were a special time indeed… Weekday World Series games were still played on sunlit afternoons back then… A gangly, adolescent boy with Big League Dreams needed to take the necessary steps not to miss the action…  

And low and behold the authorities of the day help provide the means… A transistor radio with and ear piece tucked neatly in the inside breast pocket of his sport coat provided the rest…

Earpiece cord running inside the arm of his coat to the palm of his hand, he could sit head in hand during class… Feigning interest in geography and social studies class while his mind’s eye pictured the descriptions offered by the games announcers… And his teenage Big League Dreams still alive he wondered if he’d ever get the chance to perform on as big a stage…

Many years later… The realities of life having caused the Big League Dream to be long since forgotten… Much to his surprise after 9 years of military service, many years of a successful commercial nuclear power career and numerous crappy relationships… The Big League Dream was suddenly back from the dead and alive again!!!

No, he wouldn’t be hitting home runs or pitching no hitters in the seventh game of the World Series… Our hero had seen a feature story in the local paper about a comedy open mic… Where anyone could come in step on stage be handed the microphone and try their hand at being funny…

Many years later, using those same “endearing” qualities… Speaking his mind, often quite loudly… Acting out against authority and social commentary that always seemed to get him in trouble, (sometimes it still does) with a lifetime of experiences to talk about, our hero had found his home…

Of course he would have to spend his time in the minor leagues honing his skills… Eventually, his Big League Dream became a reality with opportunities to perform on Big League stages all across the country… Where the safety it provides him to say whatever was on his mind… Garnered him the same immediate feedback and acceptance from complete strangers, that he had sought from family and friends his whole life…

Life’s twists and turns weren’t done with our hero, though and last Friday night he stood at a bus stop in Idaho Falls… Listening to a ballgame, not on a transistor radio, but his cell phone… Broadcast live over the internet…  

Choosing his seat as he boarded the bus… The immortal words of “Crash Davis”, the veteran catcher in the movie “Bull Durham” echoed in his ears… “What the hell am I doing in ‘A’ ball???

The twists of life having taken our hero back to the minor league cities and minor league stages… He longed for one last shot at the Big League Dream and Big League Stages… One last shot before he has to hang up his microphone and settling for a “manager’s spot in Visalia” in his attempt to get back to “The Show”…

Fates twists and turns have some good things left for our hero… A chance to perform at the St. Charles, IL Zanies in June, the Twin Cities, Joke Joint in July and Las Vegas in September as part of this year’s World Series of Comedy are as good an ending as to this story as our hero could have ever dreamed on those warm October afternoons many, many years ago…

One last chance to up step to plate and quoting Roy Hobbs in “The Natural”… “To Swing Away”…

More Than Air!!!

18 months into the self-imposed exile to comedy Siberia…

Things are slowly starting to change… Recent successes in Burley and Idaho Falls are buoying my hope that there are people here unafraid of the truth… People fed up with milk and cookies… People starved for big people entertainment and an open window of fresh air to blow away the stale church air that hangs heavy over this city and its surrounding communities…

It’s been a battle to find them… Allies… Brothers in arms… And it’s been an honor to entertain them…

Building on the successful opening night in Burley… We’ve booked a 2^nd comedy night the end of the month in the same venue… I’m currently looking for the right two comics to do the show…

Behind the scenes there have been moments of intense frustration… Unreturned phone calls, unanswered emails and worst of all… Time wasted, at least two out of the last 3-4 weekends, battling computer problems which could have been spent running down new venues or working on material… A constant challenge for every comic…

I’ve heard that the closer one is to victory the harder the battles can become… Maybe it’s the universe testing our resolve… Questioning how bad we really want to win… How bad do I want to win??? How bad do I want this comedy dream to become reality???

I ain’t wasting any more time… I want it more than I want my next breath fresh of air!!! I’ll have it or die trying…

UPDATE… UPDATE… READ ALL ABOUT IT…

Two months into the new year and 6 weeks since breaking the comedy cherry of JJs Saloon… Two additional SE Idaho venues (BJs 19^th Hole Sports Tavern in Burley, ID and Db’s Bar in Idaho Falls) have had their comedy cherries broken with sold out rockin’ shows…

It was my mistake not to get video clips of the show at BJs in Burley… But if there’s any doubt about the DB’s show… See the clips posted on my page or speak those who were there…

But as the up and coming “Godfather of Southeastern Idaho Comedy” continues his search for new venues to build comedy runs in all directions to and from Idaho Falls…

Rumors have come to our attention that a certain booker or bookers may be perusing our Facebook page for information on rooms Three Dog Comedy Productions has already done the leg work on… Then trying to steal our rooms and we'd like to not make it easy for them…

While nothing has been ascertained yet as to whom it may be or if anyone at all… Steps are being taken to protect our efforts… All people and booking agencies have been removed from our friends list and blocked from seeing our home pages… To the people/bookers not involved in unethical behavior I apologize… But ALL BASES NEED TO BE COVERED…

While unnamed now… REST ASSURED… I’LL MAKE YOU A DEAL THAT CAN’T BE REFUSED… IF AND WHEN THE IDENTITIES OF ANYONE TRYING TO UNDERMINE OUR EFFORTS COME TO LIGHT THEY WILL BE SHARED HERE AND WITH THE WHOLE OF THE COMEDY WORLD…

The comedy business is hard enough… Comics and bookers undermining the efforts of others only make this business harder…

As a good friend of my shared with me today “Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.” Consider this a bit of birth control…

And a warning… When we find out… YOU WILL BE FUCKED AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW ABOUT IT!!!

I moved to Idaho to drive a cement truck... The company I worked for back east called them shoe mobiles...

Steve "The Nuclear Guy" Natarelli

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